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Thursday, November 16, 2017

WARPED NEWZ

- weird people make weird news!

And you thought you were mentally deranged

CROWN POINT, INDIANA -- police have reopened a case of a man who died from 32 hammer blows to his head. The cause of death had been ruled a suicide. The County coroner's opinion stated that a man simply could not remain conscious long enough to hit himself in the head 32 times. (Editor's note - gee ya think?)

PALM SPRINGS, CALIFORNIA - When Jesus returns he'll have more than enough mad money for a new Ferrari or nice place to call home. That's because Ernest Digweed, who died sixteen years ago, left his entire estate to Jesus Christ, the Jesus Christ. The State Trustee Office was instructed to invest his money in government bonds, guaranteeing Jesus a total yield of $615,820 by the end of the century. Digweed's heirs are contesting the will, and have offered an unusual solution: an insurance policy in the same amount payable to Jesus upon his return. Since then, another problem has cropped up. Two individuals, each claiming to be Jesus have filed claims for the money...

UTICA, NY - Dayle Nisi was hospitalized after going skinny dipping at a nearby lake. In a fresh water version of Jaws, a giant snapping turtle used part of Nisi's anatomy as a meal. Nasi later stated, "I felt this excruciating pain in my groin and when I got my bearings, I realized a turtle had bitten my testicles and swam away with them. It's not a nice feeling, I'll tell you that." (future Darwin award hopeful)

*Warped NEWZ

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