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Monday, May 29, 2017

Things that you would never hear a redneck say...

We don't keep firearms in this house.

- Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?

- You can't feed that to the dog.

- I thought Graceland was tacky.

- No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.

- Wrasslin's fake.

- Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

- We're vegetarians.

- Do you think my hair is too big?

- I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

- Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.

- Who's Richard Petty?

- Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

- Deer heads detract from the decor.

- Spitting is such a nasty habit.
- I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

- Trim the fat off that steak.

- Cappauccino tastes better than espresso.

- The tires on that truck are too big.

- I'll have the argugula and radicchio salad.

- I've got it all on a floppy disk.

- Unsweetened tea tastes better.

- Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

- My fiance Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

- I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

-Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

- Checkmate.

- She's too old to be wearing that bikini.

- Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

- Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

- I don't have a favorite college team.

- I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

- Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

- Elvis who?

Right now!

Right Now!


Life is not worth anything unless...
Have you ever watched kids
on a merry-go-round
Or listened to the rain
slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last

Do you run through each day on the fly
When you ask "How are you?"
do you hear the reply?

When the day is done,
do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
running through your head?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last

Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow
And in your haste, not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
'Cause you never had time
to call and say "Hi"?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....

Thrown away...
Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.

*Louise L. Hay

Funny Wisdom

1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I'm not a complete idiot --Some parts are missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why is the room spinning medicine.

12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

17. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

18. Procrastinate Now!

19. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

22. STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!

23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

25. A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26. HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28. The original point and click was a Smith and Wesson.

29. The enjoyment of a day, is surviving it. WELL!!!!
Never make eye contact while eating a banana

Sunday, May 28, 2017

"Oranges and Lemons..."

Lemon Sculpture

Lemon Sculpture

Lemon Sculpture

Lemon Sculpture

How many?

How may mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only 2, but how did they get in there to begin with?

Madison Tevlin

"This Astounding 12 year Old, is defying all statistics and odds associated with having Down's Syndrome and Singing. She is a true inspiration to all."

"WATCH THIS VIDEO CLOSELY. LISTEN TO THIS VIDEO CLOSELY. READ THIS VIDEO CLOSELY. BE INSPIRED. All video content and images are copyright to the artist Madison Tevlin. © MADISON TEVLIN, © 2015"

Madison's Youtube channel



Click Above.

Saturday, May 27, 2017


from TMZ.com-- the musician, singer and songwriter known for fronting The Allman Brothers Band for 45 years -- has died from complications due to liver cancer ... TMZ has learned.
Gregg Alman dead at 69
Allman's longtime manager tells us ... he died peacefully at his home Saturday in Savannah, Georgia. We're told he has been dealing with multiple health issues ever since being diagnosed with cancer 5 years ago.

The manager also tells us Gregg had finished his last record ... which will be released in September of this year.

Allman was known for his long blonde hair and being a rock n' blues pioneer along with his brother Duane. They founded their band in 1969, and Gregg rocked with them until their final show in 2014.

He became the band's frontman in 1971 after Duane was tragically killed in a motorcycle accident. He composed such hits as "Midnight Rider," "Whipping Post" and "Melissa."

He is survived by his wife, Shannon Allman, 5 children, 3 grandchildren and a large extended family.

Gregg was 69.

The Difference between Men and Women

The Difference Between Men And Women

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

The Electronic Information Age

The Pizza Order. Click here.


(Chicago)— A freighter containing 62,000 metric tons of popular impotence drug Viagra struck a reef and sank in Lake Michigan today. As a result, the once-frigid lake no longer dangles into Illinois and Indiana, but now spans majestically across northern Wisconsin.

Lake Before

Lake During

Lake after

According to eyewitnesses, roughly 30 to 60 minutes after the ship's contents dissolved, the lake slowly but firmly began to push northwest toward Minnesota. Eventually, its swollen banks managed to poke aside Lake Superior, which cartographers said will lose its standing as the largest of the Great Lakes for the next four to six hours.

Area residents were surprised by the sudden shift, but conceded Michigan was "like an entirely new lake."

"For so many years that lake just, you know, sat there," said Martha Strop of Eau Claire, Wisc. "To be honest, I never even thought about it anymore. There wasn't much of a point. But now, well, this has changed our lives forever."

Government officials, however, were more cautious.

In Wisconsin, Gov. Scott McCallum declared a state of emergency, while in Minnesota, Gov. Jesse Ventura declared: "Is Lake Michigan a threat, or is it just glad to see me?"

Shopping Internationally

Friday, May 26, 2017


New ones from the helpdesk!


Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my disc out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..."
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry ....

Helpdesk: Click on the 'Computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on the start button for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!

Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the Fkey 8times as you told me, but nothing's happening...

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!

Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Chrome.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver
on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!

Helpdesk: Tech. Support, may I help you?
Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you.
Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago.
Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?

Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?

Optical Illusions


4 people







The 411 - 42

411 42 (forty-two) is the natural number following 41 and preceding 43. -DUH!

In science

* The atomic number of molybdenum.

* The angle in degrees for which a rainbow appears.

* In 1965, mathematician Paul Cooper theorized that the fastest, most efficient way 42to travel across continents would be to bore a straight hollow tube directly through the Earth, connecting a set of antipodes, evacuate it (remove the air), and then just fall through. The first half of the journey consists of free-fall acceleration, while the second half consists of an exactly equal deceleration. The time for such a journey works out to be 42 minutes. Remarkably, even if the tube does not pass through the exact center of the Earth, the time for a journey powered entirely by gravity always works out to be 42 minutes, as long as the tube remains friction-free, as while gravity's force would be lessened, so would the distance traveled at an equal rate. The same idea was proposed by Lewis Carroll in Sylvie and Bruno, volume 2, chapter 7, without calculation.

In astronomy

* Messier object M42, a magnitude 5.0 diffuse nebula in the constellation Orion, also known as the Orion Nebula

* The New General Catalogue object NGC 42, a spiral galaxy in the constellation Pegasus

* In January 2005, Asteroid 2001 DA42 was given the name Asteroid Douglasadams, named for the author Douglas Adams who popularized the number 42 and died in 2001. With even his initials in the provisional designation, Brian G. Marsden, the director of the Minor Planet Center and the secretary for the naming committee, said, "This was sort of made for him, wasn't it?"

In religion

411 The number 42 appears in various contexts in Christianity. There are 42 generations (names) in the Gospel of Matthew's version of the Genealogy of Jesus; it is prophesied that for 42 months the Beast will hold dominion over the Earth (Revelation 13:5); 42 men of Beth-azmaveth were counted in the census of men of Israel upon return from exile (Ezra 2:24); God sent bears to maul 42 of the youths who mock Elisha for his baldness (2 Kings 2:23), King Saul reigned over Israel 42 years (1 Samuel 13:1); etc.

42 also occurs in other religions. There are 42 principles of Ma'at, the Ancient Egyptian personification of physical and moral law, order, and truth. In the judgement scene described in the Egyptian and the Book of the Coming/Going Forth by Day (the Book of the Dead (which evolved from the Coffin Texts and the Pyramid Texts)), there are 42 Gods and Goddesses of Egypt, personifying the principles of Ma'at, who ask questions of the departed, while Thoth records the answers, and the deceased's heart is weighed against the feather of Truth (Ma'at). These 42 correspond to the 42 Nomes (Governmental Units) of Egypt. If the departed successfully answers all 42, s/he becomes an Osiris.

In Judaism, the number (in the Babylonian Talmud, compiled 375 AD to 499 AD) of the "Forty-Two Lettered Name" ascribed to God. Rab (or Rabhs), a 3rd century source in the Talmud stated "The Forty-Two Lettered Name is entrusted only to him who is pious, meek, middle-aged, free from bad temper, sober, and not insistent on his rights". [Source: Talmud Kidduschin 71a, Translated by Rabbi Dr. I. Epstein]. Maimonides felt that the original Talmudic Forty-Two Lettered Name was perhaps composed of several combined divine names [Maimonides "Moreh"]. The apparently unpronouncable Tetragrammaton provides the backdrop from the Twelve-Lettered Name and the Forty-Two Lettered Name of the Talmud.

42 is the number with which God creates the Universe in Kabalistic tradition. In Kabbalah, the most significant name is that of the En Sof (also known as "Ein Sof", "Infinite" or "Endless"), who is above the Sefirot (sometimes spelled "Sephirot"). The Forty-Two-Lettered Name contains four combined names which are spelled in Hebrew letters (spelled in letters = 42 letters), which is the name of Azilut (or "Atziluth" "Animation"). While there are obvious links between the Forty-Two Lettered Name of the Babylonian Talmud (see further up this page) and the Kabbalah's Forty-Two Lettered Name, they are probably not identical due to the Kabbalah's emphasis on numbers. The Kabbalah also contains a Forty-Five Lettered Name and a Seventy-Two Lettered Name.

In popular culture

In The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

411 Many occurrences of the number 42 in pop culture can be attributed as an homage to Douglas Adams' book The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, in which the number 42 is The Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything, as calculated by an enormous supercomputer over a period of 7.5 million years. According to the fifth Hitchhiker volume, Mostly Harmless, 42 is the location of Stavromula Beta. Thus, 42 may be the world's longest written riddle, since the riddle of the question to the answer was raised in the first volume, and not answered until the final page of the fifth, and then passes unnoticed by the story's ever-bumbling characters. Adams later (1994) created the 42 Puzzle, a game based on the number 42.

In other literature

411 Since Adams' book, people have looked for and found 42 in older literature, such as Shakespeare's plays and Carroll's Alice, which has 42 illustrations. In Chapter XII, the king explains "the oldest rule in the book": "Rule Forty-two. All persons more than a mile high [are] to leave the court". Carroll also uses the number in a line in The Hunting of the Snark : "He had forty-two boxes, all carefully packed..."

The first book to be printed with movable type, the Gutenberg Bible, is also known as the '42-line Bible', after the number of lines of print on each page.

In The Property of a Lady from Octopussy (the earlier editions of the three-part short story book included this story), James Bond (a character created by Ian Fleming) attended an auction to identify a top KGB spy. This spy was to raise the value of a Fabergé egg so that his female double agent working in MI5 (The British Secret Service) would get more money (as a way to monetarily pay her back for many years of service) from the sale of her (previously sent from Russia) Fabergé egg. The lot number of the Fabergé egg was 42.

In Rudyard Kipling's "The Travels of Captain Ryalls", 42 is the age at which Michael Ryalls first enters the jungle from his comfortable home in London. He travels with a 42 inch tall bull named Regis.

411 In music

* Level 42 is an English pop/rock band.

* "42" is one of the tracks on Coldplay's 2008 album Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends.

* Strigaskór nr. 42 is an Icelandic band

* 42 is the title of a song by Philadelphia based jam/electronica band The Disco Biscuits

* "Forty-Two" is the title of a song from The Afters 'Never Going Back To OK' album, released February 26, 2008.

411 In television and film

* 42 is the number called by Agent Simmons in the deli scene of Transformers II.

* The Kumars at No. 42 television series. In 2003, Sanjeev Bhaskar hosted a BBC show nominating The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy as Britain's Best Loved Book.

* 42 is one of The Numbers - 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, and 42 - featured in Lost.

* A made for TV movie 42: Forty Two Up - an installment in a series of documentaries wherein the director revisits the same group of British-born individuals every 7 years.

* 42 is an episode of Doctor Who, set in real time lasting approximately 42 minutes.

* In the television series and movie The X-Files, lead character Fox Mulder lives in apartment number 42

* In the television series Star Trek: The Next Generation the starship USS Enterprise (NCC-1701-D) has 42 decks.

* 42 is the name of Buzz Lightyear's space ship from Pixar's animated science fiction series Buzz Lightyear of Star Command.

* In an episode of "House M.D" Dr. House claims that his favorite number is 42.

* In A Clockwork Orange Alex browses through records in a record store and we see a record of the, at this time fictional, band Level 42.

* In Notting Hill, the parking space in front of the bookstore is numbered 42.

411 In video games

* 42 Entertainment is the company responsible for several alternate reality games, including I Love Bees and Year Zero.

* In the PC game, Spore, reaching the center of the galaxy yields a powerful item known as the "Staff of Life" which has a limited 42 uses. It also grants the player an achievement titled "42".

* In the 2008 game Fable II, the last in a series of ancient artifacts the player can find says "Now just think of the number 42."

* 101010 (42 in Binary) is an open-source Java game.

411 In sports

* The jersey number of Jackie Robinson, which is the only number retired by all Major League Baseball teams. Although the number was retired in 1997, the last professional baseball player to wear number 42, Mariano Rivera of the New York Yankees, is currently still using it.

* The jersey number of football Hall of Famer, Ronnie Lott, safety for the San Francisco 49ers who retired his jersey number in 2003.

* The jersey number of Pat Tillman, which was retired on November 13, 2004 by Arizona State University.

* The number of laws of cricket.

* The number on Lee Petty's racing car when he raced in NASCAR.

* The number of hockey player, Kyle Wellwood who presently plays for the Vancouver Canucks. (NHL)

* The number of Juan Pablo Montoya's race car in the Nascar Sprint Cup Series.

In technology

42 is a common magic number used by programmers:

* In the TIFF image file format, the second 16-bit word of every file is 42, which is used together with the first word to indicate byte order.

* In the reiser4 file system, 42 is the inode number of the root directory.

* In the ASCII character code and other codes based on it (ISO/IEC 8859-x, Unicode), 42 represents the asterisk character (*).

* The GNU C Library, a set of standard routines available for use in computer programming, contains a function—memfrob()—which performs an XOR combination of a given variable and the binary pattern 00101010 (42) as an XOR cipher.

* 42 is the result given by the web search engines Google and Wolfram Alpha when the query "the answer to life the universe and everything" is entered as a search.

411 In other fields

* Tower 42 is a skyscraper in the City of London, formerly known as the NatWest Tower.

* The name of a Texan trick-taking game played with dominoes (see 42 (dominoes)).

* In Japanese, 4 (shi) and 2 (ni) are together pronounced like "going to death" (死に). In Cantonese, 42 sounds like "easy death".

* In New York City, 42nd Street is a main and very popular two-way thoroughfare. Landmarks on it include the Chrysler Building, Grand Central Station, the main branch of the New York Public Library, and Times Square. The New York City street is also the setting for a movie by the same name (which also gave fame to its eponymous title song), and which later inspired a musical adaptation, 42nd Street.

* The UK government's controversial proposal to extend the time a suspect could be held without charge to 42 days was passed in the House of Commons with a majority of nine.

* 42 is the number of the French department Loire

* 10! (10 factorial) seconds is exactly 42 days.

* Spinoza's "Ethics" finishes with VPXLII, that is, part 5, proposition 42, "Blessedness is not the reward of virtue".

*From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Still my favourite! The Star Trek Apartment

You know, we all say we'd like to have our own transporter rooms, but so few of us ever bother to make one. Interior design genius Tony Alleyne (www.24thcid.com) owes a tremendous debt to "Star Trek: The Next Generation," not only for inspiring his insanely wonderful apartment, but also for generating enough mainstream acceptance of the franchise to entice non Betazoid women through the door.

Alleyne used Vellman digital audio playback modules to provide authentic ST sound effects, plus Vossystems voice-activation gear and loads of AEI Security Systems remote controls. No word on whether he hires a flunky in a red shirt to stage spark-showered deaths at parties. Located in the neutral zone of Hincley, Leicestershire in the UK, Alleyne recently posted a stellar $1 million USD asking price for his unearthly domicile on eBay. Say, wasn't money supposed to disappear by the 24th century?

To view his apartment, click below:

click here

Thursday, May 25, 2017

A Couple of funnies!

Men are like...

-Laxatives - They irritate the shit out of you
-Bananas - The older they get, the less firm they are
-Vacations - They never seem to be long enough
-Weather - Nothing can be done to change them
-Blenders - You need One, but you're not quite sure why
-Chocolate Bars - Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips
-Commercials - You can't believe a word they say
-Department Stores - Their clothes are always 1/2 off
-Government Bonds - They take soooooooo long to mature
-Mascara - They usually run at the first sign of emotion
-Popcorn - They satisfy you, but only for a little while
-Snowstorms - You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last
-Lava Lamps - Fun to look at, but not very bright
-Parking Spots - All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped

Woo! Hoo!

Ode To The Southern Family

Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
for she was my father's wife.

To complicate the maters worse,
although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
a brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
then that also made him brother
to the widow's grown-up daughter
who, of course, was my stepmother.

Father's wife then had a son,
who kept them on the run.
And he became grandson,
for he was my daughter's son

My wife is now my mother's mother
and it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
she's my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
then I am her grandchild.
And every time I thank of it,
it simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
the strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

Woo! Hoo!