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Monday, May 22, 2017

Hey Buddy... I wanna help ya!


Money
Money

It can buy a house
house
But not a home
Money

It can buy a clock
Clock
But not time
Money

It can buy you a position
Money

But not respect
Money

It can buy you a bed
Bed
But not sleep
Money

It can buy you a book
Bed
But not knowledge
Money

It can buy you medicine
Medicine
But not health
Money

It can buy you blood
Blood
But not life
Money

So you see money isn't everything
Money

And it often causes pain and suffering
Money

I tell you this because I am your friend
Money

And as your friend I want to
Money

Take away your pain and suffering!!

So....
Money

Send me all your money
Money

And I will suffer for you!

Cash only please

THE "F" WORD:


Friday - My second favourite F word
When is @#$% Acceptable? There are only ten times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

10. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?"

-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

9. "What the @#$% was that?"

-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 


8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."

-- Einstein, 1938 

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"

-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"

-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want! WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"

-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"

-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"

-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"

-- Bill Clinton, 1999

and a drum roll............! ....

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."

-- Sadaam Hussein, 2003

Sunday, May 21, 2017

How to Upset People At Work...

How to upset people at work

How to upset people at work

How to upset people at work

How to upset people at work

How Many People Have YOU Been Exposed To?


The first number is the Number of Sexual Partners.
If each of your partners has had only the same number of partners as you had at the time you had sex. The second number is the Number of People You Are Exposed to:


SE Chart

Sexual Exposure Chart

Explanation of Chart

For this calculation, we assume that each time you had a new partner, they had only had as many partners as you had. So when you had your first, we assume you were his first. You now have one person who has only had you as a partner. Add to that a second partner who is in the same situation as you--only having had one prior partner. Now you are exposed to your first, your second, plus your second's first. Then bring in a third who is in the same situation as you. You are now exposed to your prior partners plus your third's first partner, your third's second partner, and now your third's second partner's first partner. See how it works? A little sex goes a long way!

MMMMMM! pi!

Click here to see pi in an UNBELIEVABLE number of decimals
Click above to see pi in an UNBELIEVABLE number of decimals

Printer Problem

A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk.

So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note. About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate. Below is what he found.

Pen is stuck

Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to.

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Wacka-Wacka!

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's.

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile.

2 Thumbs Up!

Who said this?

"I believe that to have a friend,
a man must be one.

That all men are created equal
and that everyone has within himself
the power to make this a better world.

That God put the firewood there
but that every man
must gather and light it himself.

In being prepared
physically, mentally, and morally
to fight when necessary
for that which is right.

That a man should make the most
of what equipment he has.

That 'This government,
of the people, by the people
and for the people'
shall live always.

That men should live by
the rule of what is best
for the greatest number.

That sooner or later...
somewhere...somehow...
we must settle with the world
and make payment for what we have taken.

That all things change but truth,
and that truth alone, lives on forever.

In my Creator, my country, my fellow man."

Click here to find out who said this.

They Grow 'Em Big In Texas....

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit.

He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit."

Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"

"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"

"Yes sir. What size?"

"Size 53 tall, ma'am."

"Wow, that's really big."

"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?" she asked.

He replied, "How about some shoes?"

"What size?"

"Size 15 double E."

"Wow, that's really big!.

"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big inTexas."

"What's next?"

"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."

"Yes sir. What size?"

"Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied.

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big inTexas."

"Will there be anything else?" she asked.

"Yes ma'am. I 'spect I'll need a hat."

"Yes sir. What size? and style?"

"Eight and five-eighths. Stetson."

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big inTexas."

She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."

As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a personal question?"

"Yes ma'am, I already know what it is..... And the answer is four inches."

Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied........................


From the floor ma'am................. From the floor.

Amazing!

Amazing!

Friday, May 19, 2017

Redneck Love Poem

"Hillbilly Hare"
Susie lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother.

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will,
But after telling pappy this,
He said, "there's trouble still.

You can't marry Will, my gal,
And please don't tell you' mother,
But Will and Joe, and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother.

But mama knew and said, my child,
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe.
You ain't no kin to pappy.

Martha vs. Maxine

Martha and Maxine

Martha's Way - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Maxine's Way - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

Martha's Way - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Maxine's Way - Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's Way - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Maxine's Way - Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's Way - If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Maxine's Way - If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"

Martha's Way - Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Maxine's Way - Celery? Never heard of it!

Martha's Way - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Maxine's Way - The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.

Martha's Way - Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Maxine's Way - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

Martha's Way - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Maxine's Way - Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

Martha's Way - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Maxine's Way - Leftover wine???? HELL-LLOOO!!!

World's Easiest Quiz

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Burning question mark
All done? To check your answers click here.

Alike

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Cool Site Of The Day

Pencilmation
Pencilmation. Click above to visit.

The 2 Adams

2 Adams In the Theory of Two Adams there were two couples in the Garden of Eden: Adam 1 and Eve, and Adam 2 and Steve. Now while Adam 1 and Steve were out pruning the Kiwi trees on the far side of the garden, Adam 2 and Eve were hanging out in the general vicinity of the Apple Tree. While giving each other pedicures and exchanging recipes for Kiwi casserole, along comes the snake and talks Eve into having a snack to go along with their smooth and well manicured-feet. However, it was in fact Adam 2 who didn’t stop Eve, after all the trimming and filing, he was famished.

Well, God was so angry with the Adams, Steve, and Eve he banished them from the Garden and sent them in separate directions. Adam 1 and Eve moved west to plow the land, form prejudices, and make babies. They blamed Adam 2 and Steve for the whole ordeal, especially for the next few thousand years without Kiwi. Adam 2 and Steve went east and eventually formed Ancient Greece where they created culture, government, and progressive thought. They too resented Adam 1 and Eve, after all what is a fag without his hag!

Of course this theory sparked ongoing debates. Was this in fact the point in history where straight people took it upon themselves to taint the fashion world by introducing fig leaves? Did Adam 2’s comment, "Girl, tell that snake to peel the apples and heat up the Godiva in the Fondue Cauldron or I’m not eating it" really constitute blame worthy of banishment from the Garden? After all, Adam 2 never ate the apple because the chocolate was not produced. But in the end the only thing everyone agreed on was that Kiwi, the yummiest fruit of all, being hidden in such a bland unfashionable brown skin, was the worst punishment dealt out by the Almighty that day.

A pointless and ridiculous debate? Of course. But no more silly than why two women who love each other can’t get married in the country they pay taxes in. Will it be our nation’s legacy to be the last country in Western Civilization to give all its citizens true equality? Will we continue to cling to the past way of life that condoned slavery, religious persecution, and wars in the name of a Christ who preached peace and love to all?

Maybe this time, for the first time, with communication and information flowing faster between people via the Internet than ever before, it won’t take three or four generations for the mindset to change. Maybe, just maybe, the Theory of Two Adams, Two Eves, and One Adam with One Eve will be viewed equally by the eyes of society. One step for gay people everywhere could very well be the next step toward a society that learns from the past, and strives to make things better for all people in the future, gay or straight.

Ever Wonder....

No belts in busses?
...why you need to wear a seatbelt in all vehicles, including airplanes, but not busses of any kind? This thought came to me while I was barreling down Highway #16 at 110KPH, in the rain and fog....

The Other Side Of The Closet

For those of you who are coming out of or currently still in a straight marriage... and those with biological children...
and the effect on and resources for the straight spouse.

He came out of the closet...Now what?

Click above for more information.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Groups: How many members to change a lightbulb?

Lightbulb

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

get the point? heehee

Lightbulb

Create Your Own Picasso

I made this one and called it The Wizard of 'OZ'
click here to make your own Picasso!

International Day Against Homophobia & Transphobia

International Day Against Homophobia & Transphobia - May 17

International Day Against Homophobia
May 17th


OUTLIVE HOMOPHOBIA. Click here for details
OUTLIVE HOMOPHOBIA. Click here for details
OUTLIVE HOMOPHOBIA. Click here for details
OUTLIVE HOMOPHOBIA. Click here for details
OUTLIVE HOMOPHOBIA. Click here for details
OUTLIVE HOMOPHOBIA. Click here for details

OUTLIVE HOMOPHOBIA. Click here for The Rainbow Health Coalition Website

Places where homosexuality can get the death penalty