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Saturday, January 31, 2015

Holy Gas

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight.

"Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.

"No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.

Fat Nun

Three months later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some more weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again.

"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.

A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent.

He leaned over, looked into the carriage and said, "...Cute little fart."

Speaking of nuns......

Nice stools, ladies!

Nuns on Stools

Let's Dance!

This was written by an 83-year-old woman to her friend.

Elderley Woman
*The last line says it all. *

Dear Bertha,

I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time working.

Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.

I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom.

I wear my good blazer to the market. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it for clerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank.

"Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now.

I'm not sure what others would've done had they known they wouldn't be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner or for whatever their favorite food was. I'm guessing; I'll never know.

It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and parents often enough how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, tell myself that it is special.

Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift.

If you received this, it is because someone cares for you. If you're too busy to take the few minutes that it takes right now to forward this, would it be the first time you didn't do the little thing that would make a difference in your relationships? I can tell you it certainly won't be the last.

Take a few minutes to send this to a few people you care about, just to let them know that you're thinking of them.

"People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't need to hold hands because they know the other hand will always be there."

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.

Great Photos

Great Photo!

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Great Photo!

Great Photo!

Great Photo!

A Favourite Joke Of The Wizard's...

Ed Zachary Disease

Dr. Chang A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass...

Friday, January 30, 2015

Kids and the Sea

Children Playing A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments that were funny. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent.
(Wayne age 7)

RelaxingI think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

On Beach A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 8)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.(William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

In Pool Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

On The Beach

Helga & Ole

Ole took Helga home with him and took off his shirt.

Helga says, "Ole, dat's some chest you have dare."

Ole says, "Helga, dat's a hunnert-seventy pounds of dynamite."

Next Ole took off his pants.

Helga says, "Ole, dat's nice calves you have dare."

Ole says, "Helga, dat's a hunnert-seventy pounds of dynamite."

Ole quickly reached down and pulled off his underpants.

Helga screamed and ran out the door. Ole put his clothes back on and ran after her.

Catching her, Ole said, "Helga, viy did you run out like dat?"

Helga says, "Vith all dat dynamite around, I taught it vas going to explode ven I saw how short da fuse vas!"

The Mother ‘Hood Official Video

There’s something going down on the playground. Don’t they know that everyone has their own way of parenting? But when it comes down to it, we’re all on the same side. Help us put an end to the judgment by sharing this video with every parent you know. Join the conversation on facebook #SisterhoodUnite

Something to discuss over your morning coffee...

Well, finally. Thank you targetmap.com, a website with customized data maps, for a long overdue look at penis sizes around the world.

But before you get all excited, let me just tell you that Asia does not fare exceedingly well.

According to this interactive map, all of the world's least well-endowed countries are located there, with South Korea bringing up the rear at 3.8 inches.

India and Thailand and Cambodia go head to head (to head), each coming in at a solid 4 inches.

China's little soldiers, ranking 4.3 inches on average, are a good match for the average Japanese Capt. Winkie (also 4.3).

But the real weenies seem to be in the Congo (7.1 inches), with Ecuador not far behind (6.9 inches). Canada fares awesome, and I can vouch for that!

Click on the map below:
 Click here to view teh map

Thursday, January 29, 2015

10 Most Extreme Body Parts (body parts, longest legs, longest nose ...

From the world's smallest waist --15 inches-- to the longest female beard, some of the most bizarre bodyparts world records. (body parts, longest legs, longest nose, Vivian Wheeler, female beard)

Cathie Jung: World's Smallest Waist --15 inches
Ccathie Jung: World's Smallest Waist -- 15 inches
Honestly, no Photoshop. Cathie Jung’s tiny waist measures just 15in (38cm), making her figure distinctly hourglass. The Queen of Corsets, as she has aptly named herself, has worn tight-fitting corsets for years to get there, and appears in the body parts section of the Guinness Book of World Records 2007. Whilst she currently holds the record for the smallest waist on a living person, the record for the smallest waist ever goes to Ethel Granger who had a wasit of just 13".

More sat oddee.com

20 strange foods to try before you die

from The Telegraph.co.uk

Snake wine, South-east Asia
snake wine
Next time you're complaining about the tepid chardonnay you've been served in a pub, just be grateful that you haven't been served a nice glass of snake wine. This popular beverage is believed to have important restorative properties in countries including China and Vietnam. It can either be made by steeping a snake in rice wine, or by mixing snake bodily fluids, such as blood, with the alcohol.

More at The Telegraph

Dover Police DashCam Confessional (Shake it Off)


from OffGrid.com

Shipping container homes are one of the most versatile modular steel building platforms available. When combined with modern technology they can make for some very cool home designs. Their use is not limited to shipping products. Shipping containers are modular and deployable. They are perfect shelter platforms for disaster scenarios, refugee housing, temporary shelters, homeless shelters, office space, strip malls, hotels, barracks, dorms, and apartments. Maximizing the use of space is a concern considering they are only 8 feet wide and 40 feet long. With a living area of only 320 square feet designing a building which uses space efficiently becomes a priority. But what if that was not a concern? What if you could create a large home in a small space by making the building expandable.

There are many different expandable homes on the market. The idea starting with RV’s and travel trailers which expand to produce more livable space inside. Taking this idea to an extreme was only the natural progression of architectural design and simply makes sense. Here are some great ideas for expandable shipping container home designs.

Watch this video to see a few cool folding homes.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

5 Biggest Feet in the World

From BiggestStuff.com

(Born) With feet bigger than an average newborn, these guys are bound to stand their ground very firmly.

If you think that someone you know has big feet, you might want to take a look at the list below.

We present you the Top 5 biggest feet in the world along with their their respective owners.

5. Carl Griffiths – 14.5 in (36.8 cm)

Carl Griffiths big feet

An astonishing UK size 21 feet (US size 21.5, Europe size 56) made Carl Griffiths from Trimsaram in South Wales the proud owner of biggest feet in the entire UK, and one of the biggest feet in the world.

Although Griffiths is 6’5” ins tall (195.58 cm), his feet are still very disproportional when compared to the rest of the body, which can clearly be seen in the picture below.

Carl Griffiths – 14.5 in (36.8 cm)

More at biggeststuff.com

6 Horrifying Modern Cannibals

Cannibalism, as repulsive as it is, can be understood in cases where consuming the deceased is an alternative to certain starvation. Those who eat human flesh by choice, however, tend to be the kind of people who will torture and murder to satisfy their curiosity. Be warned that some of the following links are disturbing.


Dorangel Vargas
Dorangel Vargas is known as "the Hannibal Lecter of the Andes". He was confined to a mental hospital in 1995 after the remains of a missing man were found in his home, but Vargas was released two years later. In 1999, police in San Cristobal, Venezuela again found human remains in Vargas' possession. This time, at least ten skulls and fresh entrails were found. Vargas admitted eating the bodies, but denied murder charges, saying the bodies were given to him. This statement led to conjecture that Vargas was being used to cover up an organ trafficking operation. Vargas was homeless and already known to be mentally unstable. During an interview, Vargas claimed that eating people was like eating pears. Vargas is confined to a mental institution.

View the rest at MentalFloss.com

The Carpet Doesn't Match The Drapes

all I can say is "WOW!."

click here


Brian. The babe they called 'Brian',
He grew,... grew, grew, and grew--
Grew up to be-- grew up to be
A boy called 'Brian'--
A boy called 'Brian'.
He had arms... and legs... and hands... and feet,
This boy... whose name was 'Brian',
And he grew,... grew, grew, and grew--
Grew up to be--

Yes, he grew up to be
A teenager called 'Brian'--
A teenager called 'Brian',
And his face became spotty.
Yes, his face became spotty,
And his voice dropped down low
And things started to grow
On young Brian and show
He was certainly no--
No girl named 'Brian',
Not a girl named 'Brian'.

And he started to shave
And have one off the wrist
And want to see the boys
And go out and get pissed,
A man called 'Brian'--
This man called 'Brian'--
The man they called 'Brian'--
This man called 'Brian'!


Morning Coffee for Grandma...

Morning coffee for Grandma

Tuesday, January 27, 2015


Click here

Click above to see the pictures! Awesome!

Stupid Pick-Up Lines

library card pick up line
1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.

2. (Lick finger and wipe on his shirt)... Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

3. Nice ass... what time does it open?

4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

7. I may not be the best-looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Cocked Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

9. Wanna play army? I'll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.

10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

13. You might not be the best-looking guy here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

14. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

15. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

16. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

17. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Easy Bottom?

19. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

20. My name is Mark... remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

21. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

22. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

23. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.

24. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anywhere you want to.

25. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

26. If you and I were the last men on earth, I bet we could do it in public.

27. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?

28. Dude, I'm an American Express lover... you shouldn't go home without me.

29. Do you sleep on your stomach? No...? Can I ???

30. Do you wash your jeans in Windex? ...because I can see myself in them.

New Album - Jeffery Straker

 Click here to read more and find out more about this inspiring artist!
Click above to visit Jeffery's site and find out more
From Jeffery: "Happy new year to you! I hope it’s started with gusto. I’m excited to be releasing new music in 2015 and my album ‘North Star Falling” is set to launch March 10. In advance of that, the first single will be released January 27. I’m looking forward to getting this music out to your ears. Stay tuned for more details, a list of national tour dates, and info on how to pre-order the album. Excited!"
Jeffery Straker
Jeffery Straker
The Wizard couldn't wait to lend an ear to Jeffery's latest single, "Like it's the Last One", from his upcoming album, North Star Falling. I immediately pre-ordered it. I can tell you, as far as I am concerned, this guy can do no wrong musically. Singer, songwriter, pianist, The trifecta of entertaining with unparalleled originality. I have been following Jeff for many years now, this guy has so much energy and imparts excitement into each and every 'story' told thru his music.

Pre-Order North Star Falling

Check him out. It will totally be worth it!

Stupid Is As Stupid Says...



I think the whole thing, memorizing lines and trying to, like, say 'em and still, like, do movement, all that. That was hard.

Olympic swimmer/reality TV star Ryan Lochte on the difficulties of making his acting debut playing himself on the TV show 90210



Have you, like this case, been in hospital, denied a drink of water, and subsequently died? Let us know.

radio host Jeremy Vine



Family Feud host: Something a woman on a date would hate to find on her face.

Contestant:A booger.



There were a few mistakes to the copy of the meditation article in as much as it read "By isn't I mean everything that you can see and hear, touch, or smell, isn't means everything that is," and it should have read "By isn't I mean everything that you can see and hear, touch, or smell, means everything that is." Hopefully this will now be clear.

correction, New Age magazine



• Accomplishments: sister once won a strawberry eating contest.
• Work well nude.
• Personal accomplishments: getting back together with my boyfriend upon his release from prison.

items on actual résumés

Scary Stories That Will Keep You Awake at Night

click here, if you dare!
Click above. If you dare...

Monday, January 26, 2015

8 Stories

8 ball

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.

"You don't?" I replied.

"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"

"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.


The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Safeway with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.

I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"

I said to her "I've changed my mind I don't think I'll buy that today."

She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.


A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."


I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

"Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."


Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.

What do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.


I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage.

The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister."

I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.


My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers.

One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:

"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"


Police in Radnor , Pennsylvania , interrogated a suspect by placing a metal collander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.

The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.

Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

Hoax Busters - very informative


This is a fairly good site to check out those "send this to everyone you know" email scares that seem to arrive so frequently. The index gives a list of the old, and some of the new letters that are cirulating. I noticed that some of the outside links to info do not work, though. You can always check out these warnings before sending them on, as scaring your friends unnecessarily just isn't a good idea, because they all know where you live! HAHA!! Keep this handy for your own reference.


Longevity Test

This is pretty interesting. Watch the age prediction on the top left of the screen change as you answer the various questions.

How long do you think that you will live? I am gone at 71. (My death clock says otherwise!)

Click below:

The Longevity Test

Youth Tell It Like It Is In New True Views Video Series

Do You Give a damn?
We know that lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender youth experiencing homelessness are the experts of their own experiences – so shouldn't we hear what they have to say?
Give a damn!

That's exactly why our parent organization, the True Colors Fund, launched a new video series that offers young people the opportunity to share their stories. The videos feature young people from the True Colors Fund's recently released 40 of the Forty list, which honors the voices of the 40% of homeless youth who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender. New videos will be released each month!

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Things That Make You Say... "HOLY SH*T!"

Beer Lady
Beer Lady
Big Snake!
Big Snake!
Fish in the sink
Fish in the sink
Engine trouble
Engine trouble
Joint and a half!
Joint and a half!
Big Cat!
Big Cat!
Can't hear ya!
Can't hear ya!
Just plain gross!
Just plain gross!

All The News That's Fit??? To Print...

(1)Recent news item:

"Two Maine teenagers are in hot water after one was arrested on suspicion of skateboarding nude through the center of town while his friend videotaped the stunt. The boy allegedly skateboarded through a parking lot wearing only a strategically placed sock puppet last week. Police said the 18-year-old skated around for about 15 minutes. Police don't think any of it was very funny."

(2)As appearing in the Daily News Tribune (Boston?):

"WILLIAMSTOWN -- Professor Eva Grudin was about to lead her students into a discussion of whether an abstract painting was meant to invoke a certain part of the male anatomy when her class was interrupted by the real thing.

With no warning, two naked students barged into her Williams College lecture hall, struck a quick pose for the 150 students there, and ran out.

Nothing abstract here. Grudin and her students had just been streaked.

But this was no one-time prank by some drunken college students. It was yet another performance by two members of the Springstreakers, the latest unofficial student activity club at this elite liberal arts college.

"It's hard to get your bearings back and continue with your lecture after that," said Grudin, who let out a shriek that was followed by her students' laughter, then applause when the streakers stole everyone's attention from a slide projection of Robert Motherwell's vaguely phallic depiction of a bull.

With two weeks before the end of final exams, Grudin and many of the students on the prim 2,000-student campus in the Berkshires say the Springstreakers are offering just the kind of stress relief that so many need right now.

"It's amazing that they do this," said Mon Thach, a freshman who was streaked in Grudin's art history class late last week. "It was so funny, and everyone needs a good laugh like that at the end of the semester."

Springstreakers -- the name is a riff on Spring Street, which cuts through campus -- is the brainchild of Morgan Goodwin and Andy "Tex" Whinery, two skinny freshmen who say there's no bigger rush than dropping one's drawers and getting maximum exposure by running through a crowd.

"I haven't tried any hard drugs, but I have a feeling this is probably better," said Goodwin, a 20-year-old who claims he never did anything to attract so much attention to himself while growing up in Lake Placid, N.Y.

Since he and the 18-year-old Whinery -- who cut his streaking teeth in his hometown of Amarillo, Texas -- did their first nude dash through a freshman dormitory in December, they've staged about a dozen surprise streaks on the Williams campus.

Grudin's lecture was their first classroom appearance. They've also hit the library, several parties and an a cappella concert. And they're not without coconspirators.

The Springstreakers boast nine active members, all men except for one, and they're always looking to recruit new ones.

Before bombing through Grudin's art history class, Goodwin tried coaxing a few buddies into joining him and Whinery. There was plenty of interest, but no takers.

Membership requires a willingness to shed clothing and an ability to run quickly.

"A big part of our protocol is streaking while sober," Whinery said. "Being naked is nothing to be embarrassed about, and if you can only do it when you're drunk, then you can't do it with us. That's something we pride ourselves on."

So far, the Springstreakers haven't raised the ire of campus administrators.

"It hasn't impinged on our lives at all," Williams spokesman Jim Kolesar said. "I don't know that they've had any effect at all."

Streaking on college campuses, of course, is nothing new. As Grudin is quick to point out, she's seen plenty of streakers at Williams since she started teaching there in 1971.

"Their fathers were doing this in the old days," she said. "If they wanted to do something really funny, they'd get their fathers to do it with them now."

Goodwin doesn't pretend there's anything high-minded about running around in the buff, but if there is a social message he's trying to send, it's that the human body is nothing to be ashamed of.

"I feel the people we streak get something out of it," Goodwin said. "The most obvious thing is that they see something that's funny and blows their minds and will give them something to talk about at reunion in 10 years. But it gets to deeper things like people's ideas of sex and nudity and body image; things you might discuss in a classroom but now have a reason to talk about in a different setting."

So what does their audience think of the Springstreakers' body images?

"I was saddened to see only their backsides," Grudin said. "But they were nice backsides."

Rose Coloured Glasses

So, you say I see the world through Rose coloured glasses?
Perhaps, I should look at it through Green.....
green for all the jealousy that occurs when people are envious of another's accomplishments.
Or maybe red.....yeah! Red.....
to see all the anger people have and express and hurt others with.
Or maybe Black.....
black so I can hide behind this colour and choose not to see at all.
No I think I'd like Yellow.....
yellow to amplify the sun's rays on the beauty that nature provides.
Or just maybe rose. I think rose is a nice colour.
like a child with rosey cheeks from the cool breath of winter,
or a baby with rosey cheeks who's just awakened from a long nap.
rose is a nice colour, it's simple.
And a rose is a most beautiful thing on this earth to see.
So why do you not look
through Rose Coloured Glasses?
Could it be you're afraid to see the
beauty of your world.

--Tina Thurston 1998.

Optical Illusions