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Thursday, May 28, 2015

From the "Shann Man"

Catholic Horses

A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses. The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next. He bet big on it, and it won.

As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.

The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "You are not Catholic are you my son?"

"No, I'm Jewish"

"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites".
Batman Joker animated laughing mouth
True Comments

It's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.


You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.


We have enough "youth".
How about a fountain of "smart"?


The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.


A Fool and his money
can throw one heck of a party


When blondes have more fun, do they know it?


Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.


LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL


Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.


Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.


If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you


Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.


We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.


Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.


Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name.


Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.


New Mexico state motto:
At least we're not Mississippi


ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.



The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population


"You know why a banana is like a politician?"

"He comes in and first he is green, then he turns yellow and then he's rotten."

"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms, you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors."

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
Batman Joker animated laughing mouth
Confucius Say....

Confucuis Say.
Kiss is merely shopping upstairs,
For merchandise downstairs.

Confucius Say.
Better to lose a lover
Than love a loser.

Confucius Say.
Man with broken condom
Often called Daddy

Confucius Say.
Sex is same as bank account.
You put it in, you take it out....you lose interest.

Confucius Say.
Viagra just like Disneyland ...
One hour wait for 5 minute ride.

Confucius Say.
Much better to want the mate you do not have
Than to have the mate you do not want.

Confucius Say.
Joke is like sex.
Neither any good if you don't get it.
Batman Joker animated laughing mouth
Home Depot

Ken was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife Carole if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.
Carole agreed to go.

While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

When the manager was finished, Carole asked him, “How much is that faucet?”
The manager replied, “That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.”
Carole exclaimed, “My goodness, that's an expensive faucet and certainly out of my price range!”

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Ken had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled, “Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?
Carole shouted back, “No, but I will for the faucet.”
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.
Batman Joker animated laughing mouth
Frozen Carburettor Incident:

Canadians often complain about the RCMP, but you rarely hear about the positive things that they do.

Frozen Carburetor Incident:

In the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs are in the courtroom. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place.

For example, on a bitterly cold winter's day several weeks ago in Northern British Columbia, an RCMP Constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.

"What's the matter?" asked the Policeman.
"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply. "Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."
"I Can't." "OK, Watch me closely and I will show you. "The constable thawed the carburetor as promised.

The bike started and the rider drove off, waving. A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.

It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill....."
Batman Joker animated laughing mouth
Cardiologist's Funeral

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral.

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry. I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist!'

The minister fainted!
Batman Joker animated laughing mouth
Definitions

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.

ADULT:

A person who has stopped growing at both ends And is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:

A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:

The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:

Cold Storage.

INFLATION:

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:

An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:

A grape with a sunburn

SECRET:

Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:

One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:

An honest opinion openly expressed.

And MY Personal Favorite!

WRINKLES:

Something other people have, Similar to my character lines.
Batman Joker animated laughing mouth

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