When I went to church last week, I heard a sweet elderly lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so innocent and sincere that I just have to share it with you:
"Dear Lord, This sure has been a tough four to five years. You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze, my favourite musician Michael Jackson, my favourite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse, my favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor, my favourite singer Whitney Houston, my favourite author Tom Clancy, and now my favourite comedian Robin Williams!
I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are Mike Duffy, Pamela Wallin, Rob Ford, and that Trudeau kid."
On average, an American or Canadian man will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.
This is upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.
THE YOUNG PRIEST
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, ''You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats.
It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.''
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, ''And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir.
Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.''
''Thank you, Father,'' answered the young priest. ''I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.''
''All of these ideas have been well and good,'' said the elderly priest, ''But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.''
''But, Father,'' protested the young priest, ''my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!''
''Yes,'' replied the elderly priest, ''and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof..
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.
He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is an opportunity for questions.
Little Sasha puts her hand up and says, "I have two questions sir, Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to Ukraine?”
Putin says, "Good questions."
But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes off, and the kids go to lunch.
When they return to class, the kids sit back down and there is an opportunity for some more questions.
Another young girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says, "I have Four questions. My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell for lunch go off 20 minutes early? And where is Sasha?"
Female Logic is an oxymoron of the greatest magnitude.
Male logic (or just plain logic) follows a direct path, clearly tying the consequences of action to the actor.
Female logic doesn’t follow a direct path. Female logic always contains a patsie, something to blame her her actions on just in case something goes wrong. This is why whenever a girl screws up, it's never her fault – she’s used female logic to cover her ass.
Male Logic: Critical Thinking At Its Best!
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3.
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose.
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put into a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a new Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Man: Where's your Ferrari?
Sex with a ghost*
A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience , the lecturer asks , "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start . Out of those who believe in ghosts , do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously . Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic . Now let me ask you one question further ... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Steve raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost . You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Antartian student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks , "So, Steve, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Steve replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
*Altered slightly from original form