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Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Special pictures of life

Pictures of life

Pictures of life

Pictures of life

Pictures of life

Pictures of life

Pictures of life

Pictures of life

Pictures of life

Pictures of life

Pictures of life

Pictures of life

Pictures of life

Pictures of life

Pictures of life

Pictures of life

Pictures of life

Pictures of life

Pictures of life

Pictures of life

Pictures of life

Pictures of life

Pictures of life

Pictures of life

Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

Be careful! CAREFUL!
A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in. Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"

The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.

"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!"

The wife runs to the fri-

"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!"

At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.

She gasps, "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs."

The husband simply smiles and replies, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car," and leaves.
HYUK!
What comes after three?
A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his "1 to 10" well.

"Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10"

"Good. What comes after three?”

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten?"

"A jack!"
HYUK!
If you don't stop sucking your thumb...
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.

Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."

Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench.

The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."
HYUK!
Your Brother Already Named Them
A woman was rushed into the hospital in an ambulance as she was just about to give birth to twins.

At the hospital the lady was in such pain she had to be sedated.

A couple of hours after the babies had been delivered, she woke up and asked to see her children.

"Doctor, could you bring my babies to me so I can name them?"

The doctor replied, "You don't need to worry about names, your brother has already named them."

"Why did you let him name them, he has no sense! What did he call the little girl then?"

"Denise." replied the doctor.

"Oh that’s not too bad, I thought u were going to tell me he'd named her something awful! So what did he call the little boy?"

"De-nephew, of course!"

HYUK!
What does that tell you?
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.

Watson pondered for a minute:

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.

"Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"
HYUK!
We have a case here, Sarge
Two policemen call the station on their radio.

"Hello. ..... Is this the Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here, Sarge. A woman has shot her husband dead for stepping on the floor she had mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet."

HYUK!
I'm Overworked (based on USA data)
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

HYUK!
Labour Pain Machine
A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labour the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labour pains away from the mother and gives it to the father."

So the married couple decided that they would try this. The doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more."

So the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "Why don't you just put it all on me cause I'm not feeling a thing."

The doctor warned them, "This much could kill you if your not prepared," and the husband replied "I'm ready."

So the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn't feel a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labour.

When they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch!
HYUK!
Sleeping Carraige of a Train
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
HYUK!
Killer Jigsaw Puzzle
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says:

"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says:

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ...

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
HYUK!
DOES THIS HOMEWORK LOOK FAMILIAR?
Did you know that "verb" is a noun?
If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?
Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?
There were three tomatoes: a mum, a dad and a son. The son lagged behind and
fell splat on the floor. His dad yelled to him, "Ketchup, son."
HYUK!
The Bum
The bum approached the well-dressed man. “Say, pal, could you spare ten bucks for a soft drink?”
“Ten dollars!” the man exclaimed. “Listen my dear fellow, not even in this city will you find
a place that charges so much for a soda.”
I know, said the panhandler, “but it’s my girlfriend’s birthday and I wanted to knock off early.”

HYUK!
Say What???
- From the interviewee: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Greg Norman)

- "There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." (Alan Minter)

- "Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers." (Murray Walker)

- "A brain scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin." (Jo Sheldon)

- "That's inches away from being millimetre perfect." (Ted Lowe)

- "I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right." (Marlon Starling)

- "I can't tell who's leading. It's either Oxford or Cambridge." (John Snagge - Boat Race between only Oxford and Cambridge)

- "The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is absolutely round." (Tony Crozier)
clapping

Indiana Governor Stunned By How Many People Seem to Have Gay Friends

BY ANDY BOROWITZ, NewYorker.com

CREDIT PHOTOGRAPH BY BILL CLARK/GETTY
INDIANAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—Indiana Governor Mike Pence is “stunned and amazed” that so many people appear to have gay friends, Pence has confirmed.

Speaking to reporters in his office in Indianapolis, Pence said that he made the astonishing discovery about gay friends late last week.

“A lot of everyday people have gay friends, and they’re not afraid to call and/or e-mail you to tell you that,” Pence said. “To be honest, I’m still trying to process it all.”

Pence said that from what he has been able to gather thus far, the phenomenon of “ordinary folks” having gay friends “has been going on for years.”

“You could be walking down the street, and without you knowing it, this person is friends with gays and that person is, too,” he said. “It really seems to be pretty widespread.”

“It’s the darnedest thing,” he added.
(satire!)

--more at NewYorker.com

Monday, March 30, 2015

Happy World Bipolar Day!

Bi-Polar Bear

A few "Truisms"

Truism

Love is grand;
divorce is a hundred grand .

I'm in shape.
Round is a shape.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark,
professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Even if you are on the right track,
you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly and
for the same reason.

An optimist thinks this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears this is true.

There will always be death and taxes;
however, death doesn't get worse every year.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say
the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing
at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go,
but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes it comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty,
it also begins to show.

Big Mud Puddles and Sunny Yellow Dandelions

When I look at a patch of dandelions, I see a bunch of weeds that are going to take over my yard.

My kids see flowers for Mom and blowing white fluff you can wish on.

dandelions


When I look at an old drunk and he smiles at me, I see a smelly, dirty person who probably wants money and I look away.

My kids see someone smiling at them and they smile back.

drunk


When I hear music I love, I know I can't carry a tune and don't have much rhythm so I sit self-consciously and listen.

My kids feel the beat and move to it. They sing out the words. If they don't know them, they make up their own.

Kids Singing


When I feel wind on my face, I brace myself against it. I feel it messing up my hair and pulling me back when I walk.

My kids close their eyes, spread their arms and fly with it, until they fall to the ground laughing.

Wind


When I pray, I say thee and thou and grant me this, give me that.

My kids say, "Hi God! Thanks for my toys and my friends. Please keep the bad dreams away tonight. Sorry, I don't want to go to Heaven yet. I would miss my Mommy and Daddy."

Kids Praying


When I see a mud puddle I step around it. I see muddy shoes and dirty carpets.

My kids sit in it. They see dams to build, rivers to cross, and worms to play with.

Kids and Mud Puddles


I wonder if we are given kids to teach or to learn from? No wonder God loves the little children!

Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.


I wish you Big Mud Puddles and Sunny Yellow Dandelions!!!

That's one hungry rat!

Hungry Rat

Earth Hour 2015 Highlights

Sunday, March 29, 2015

The Awful Truth - REVEALED!

The Awful Truth - REVEALED!

Dr. Joe

Doctor Joe had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him:

"Joe, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go. "

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:

"Joe, you're a vet."
Dog and Vet

Their Sons

These 4 pals go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son BIll," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "George is so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son, Albert, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Frank's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

The Strangest Wal Mart Customer

Strange Wal*Mart customer
Dear Mrs. Denner,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Denner are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House-wares to go off at 5-minute intervals

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in House-wares. Get on it right away."

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fatal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Once again we cannot tolerate this behaviour in our store.

Regards, Wal-Mart

You KNOW this is a joke, right?