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Monday, June 30, 2014

Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support


Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create an empty New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I Exit without Saving?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch documents in the middle of my work?
A: Stop shaking it.

*Author unknown

I Lost My Toot!

Help him find it!

Click here.


1. Try everything twice. On Madams tombstone (of Whelan's and Madam) she said she wanted this epitaph: Tried everything twice...loved it both times!

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
(keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches;)


3. Keep learning:

Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.


5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.


6. The tears happen:
Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love:
Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.


8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips.
Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.


10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

Dog in wagon

11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second time.

And if you don't send this post to at least 4 people - who cares?

4 children

But do share this with someone.

Inside Insides

Magnetic Resonance Imaging of Foods

Andy Ellison

The Jackfruit: This beast is the Jackfruit. Although it doesn't show in the scan, this thing is massive. 22 lbs and about a foot and a half tall, I barely could fit it in any of my coils. Therefore you'll notice that the scan isn't the entire fruit, slices at either end of the stack were victims to horrific signal loss and ugly images, so I trimmed them off.

MRI of a Jackfruit

Click here to see more Inside Insides!

Sunday, June 29, 2014


The game designers across the nation are playing is; can they design a logo and get it approved without the client realising it's a big spurting penis?

We asked our readers to send in the best Phallic logos from around the world for our team of experts to evaluate. Now we present to you the very cream of the Phallics.

Beauty salon in West London
Who: Beauty salon in West London
Pro: "I've just received a flyer through the door from them offering me a 10% discount on a facial." writes John Dinwoodie, "I do hope it's give rather than receive."
Cons: Large bollocks makes us think think of tea-bagging.
Phallic mark: 78%

some kind of German volleyball association
Who: some kind of German volleyball association
Pros: It does look like a Phallic. German sausage.
Cons: Minus points for lack of ballage. Also it looks like a an aquafresh jellyfish.
Phallic mark: 80%

80s schoolboys favourite bag
Who: 80s schoolboys favourite bag. Oooh. Head bag. You've got a head bag. You're special.
Pros: Dramatic close-up. AND it's famous. AND it's got a funny name.
Cons: Doesn't look much like a Phallic. Damn.
Phallic mark: 47%

Irish equality authority bods
Who: Irish equality authority bods
Pros: Looks like a dick with 3 nails driven into it.
Cons: Implausibly large urethra.
Phallic mark: 60%

Atherton car centre
Who: Atherton car centre
Pros: Perfect Phallicage.
Cons: Grossly swollen balls. Or is it just a tiny penis?
Phallic mark: 90%

Czech sausage company
Who: Czech sausage company
Pros: Great 1920s transvestite oral sex action.
Cons: Two meat. No veg.
Phallic mark: 46%

Stereotypical Japanese website
Who: Stereotypical Japanese website
Pros: Looks like it's having sex
Cons: But you're looking at it from the inside
Phallic mark: 23%

America steakhouse
Who: America steakhouse
Pros: Ambitious front perspective. Angry hues. Some seepage.
Cons: Doesn't make us want to eat there.
Phallic mark: 94%

Estate agents
Who: Estate agents
Pros: Full Phallic and balls. Solidly constructed.
Cons: Some subsidence.
Phallic mark: 65%

Wakefield Council
Who: Wakefield Council
Pros: 'I have just finished working for wakefield council,' spurts ayuplass,'Before I left we were issued with the new headed paper including our new logo. The logo was displayed proudly at the top as is usual for letterheads but the A4 sheets included a large water mark based on a section of the logo. The green part that looks like a spurting Phallic. Everyone spent Monday running round saying "Have you seen the new headed notepaper?" My section head sent a letter to PR saying "Do you realise it looks like a big knob?"'
Cons: It only works if you twist it.
Phallic mark: 58%

The Product Development Company
Who: The Product Development Company.
Pros: Nice and abstract. Pleasingly bulky. Proudly errect.
Cons: It's just three circles isn't it?
Phallic mark: 42%

Pontins holiday camp
Who: Pontins holiday camp.
Pros: Secret Phallic in logo of household name shame.
Cons: Unorthodox choice of letter to be so endowed.
Phallic mark: 97%

Printing specialists Doering & Brown
Who: Printing specialists Doering & Brown
Pros: Secret Phallic. Elegant, gracefully curved testes
Cons: Thin, reedy shaft
Phallic mark: 86%

Military uniform supplier
Who: Military uniform supplier
Pros: Ambitious angle - forwards flaccid with emphatic testicles
Cons: Makes the poor army man look gay
Phallic mark: 79%

Engineering consultancy
Who: Engineering consultancy
Pros: A nasty, shrivelled full set of Phallic and balls
Cons: A bit too arty
Phallic mark: 85%

Fitted window company
Who: Fitted window company
Pros: "I actually bought a window from these people. It was very reasonably priced."
Cons: Looks like an action painting of some horrible penis mutilation.
Phallic mark: 94%

Brazilian Institute for Oriental Studies
Who: Brazilian Institute for Oriental Studies
Pros: Oh, just look at it.
Phallic mark: 100%

Congestion charge website
Who: Congestion charge website
Pros: Just look at the top button. Are you that excited about 'logging in'?
Cons: Unrealistic, stringy semen

Pride in Oldham award scheme
Who: Pride in Oldham award scheme
Pros: Tiny, tiny dwarf man going down on a lady in a peephole bikini.
Cons: He's starting with her bellybutton.


Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Image hosted by Photobucket.comFEAR OF FRYING!Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Why ARE Men Happier ?

Men Are Just Happier People - Click here for a cartoon

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25minutes.
No wonder men are happier!!

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder: What does it feel like to have ADHD?

From Quora.com, by Adam Mordecai, Dad, Upworthy Editor-at-Large, Writer, Movie & TV

It's awesome and it's awful.

What does ADD/HDD  feel like

Growing up, I would get remarks like, "oh, you are just lazy," or "are you sure you aren't just bored?" I would constantly feel inadequate, as though my brain were broken, that I was somehow inferior to everyone else. I would miss assignments, I would forget things I was told 10 minutes earlier, I would fall asleep in class without provocation, I would set things down for 5 seconds and have no idea where I put them. I'd lose time, sitting down to do something for an hour and realize 4 hours had passed. I would fall asleep at professional sporting events. I've heard, "It's all in your head" and "you just need to get more organized" and "it's a made up thing for lazy people". I've let people down, over promised and under delivered, lost track of things that were important to my long term health, and disappointed friends and family over and over again. It's really fun to reach a point in your life where your compatriots expect you not to do the things you promise to do. Especially when they know you really mean to do it, and just forget. How my wife has tolerated me this many years is mind boggling. That's the awful part.

Growing up, I would come up with things no one else had the wherewithal to think about. I would ace creative projects. I would create things that people loved and were entertained by. I could bring a level of showmanship to dates that other dudes would envy. I could make people laugh. I could invent massively complex fun hotness on projects no one else considered to make exciting. I could help other people harness their creative energy. I could make other people's work better. I could have no edit button and say things with confidence that get me places other people would be afraid to say. My lack of shame and my creative confidence allows me to think way outside the box. That has allowed me to accomplish great and silly things a normal life would not have afforded me. That's the awesome part.

For every great disappointment, I have a greater triumph. For every friend I've let down, I've gotten their back in a more creative and helpful way down the road. For every distraction, I've gotten a-

Hold on, playing just one more level of Angry Birds, I'll get back to you.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Things You Didn't Know You Didn't Know...

Did you know...

15 things you didn't know about the human body

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.

A shrimp's heart is in its head.

In a study of 200,000 ostriches
over a period of 80 years,
no one reported a single case where
an ostrich buried its head in the sand.

It is physically impossible
for pigs to look up into the sky.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

More than 50% of the people in the world
have never made or received a telephone call.

Horses can't vomit.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick"
is said to be the toughest tongue twister
in the English language.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib.
If you try to suppress a sneeze,
you can rupture a blood vessel
in your head or neck and die.
If you keep your eyes open by force,
they can pop out.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months,
two rats could have over a million descendants.

Wearing headphones for just an hour
will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

If the government has no knowledge of aliens,
then why does Title 14, Section 1211
of the Code of Federal Regulations,
implemented on July 16, 1969,
make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact
with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

In every episode of Seinfeld
there is a Superman somewhere.

A duck's quack doesn't echo,
and no one knows why.

23% of all photocopier faults worldwide
are caused by people sitting on them
and photocopying their butts.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Like fingerprints,
everyone's tongue print is different.

Over 75% of people who read this
will try to lick their elbow.


Old Man On A Moped A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: A brand new Ferrari GTO. It is the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money", says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour" states the young man proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem", replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around, Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped.

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph! Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, suddenly...

Woooooosssshhhhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

What on Earth could be going faster than my Ferrari the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph.

Whoooooosssshhhhh! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the old man and says, "Oh my God! Are you OK? Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers..." Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your...side... view... mirror."

Truth in Advertising?

Huge Dick For Entertaining!

Now hiring Mclosers!

Very Catholic!

I know...these are Macaws...* A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed:

"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

*I know...these are Macaws...

Friday, June 27, 2014

The Cowboy

Cowboy A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three pints of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin and I'm in Texas. When we all left Wyoming, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we were together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders only two pints!

All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains...

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and obviously I had to quit drinking.

Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Dolphins, Cheese and Ghandi --Oh, my!


A Marine Biologist discovered that he could prolong the life of dolphins almost indefinitely if they were fed on certain rare species of sea-gull. Naturally he decided to feed his own dolphins on this diet.

Unfortunately, he began to run out of supplies from the coast and had to start obtaining his seagulls from an inland lake. This necessitated crossing a national park filled with sleeping lions.

He carefully moved around the lions on tip-toe so as not to wake them ... However a park ranger came along and arrested him for transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.


The King's Pizza

One day (just before Christmas, probably), Good King Wenceslas decided that he was fed up with the food at the palace, so he phoned up his local Italian restaurant for a takeaway pizza.

"Certainly, your Majesty" says the Manager, "Would you like your usual"?
"Yes please," replied the King, "same as always - deep pan, crisp and even"


The Poor Shepherd

There once was a poor shepherd named Yorgi. The only food he had to sustain himself on was the milk he got from the sheep, and it tasted so bad that he could barely drink it. As a result, Yorgi became thin and sickly.

One day, he met his friend Vladimir. Vladimir was a poor shepherd like himself, but he was hearty and healthy. Vladimir told him that he had to live on sheep's milk too, but he let him on a secret: a witch in a nearby village taught him a magic spell that makes sheep's milk taste as sweet as the richest cream. Yorgi begged Vladimir to teach him the spell, which his friend did willingly.

Sure enough, Yorgi's sheep produced the most delicious milk he ever tasted. Yorgi loved it so much, that he drank it by the liter. He milked his sheep so much that they cried out in pain. Yorgi realized that he couldn't make his sheep suffer like that, so he reversed the spell and resigned himself to drinking normal sheep's milk.

Now, there's no ewes crying over spelled milk.


Revenge of the Kangaroos

There are reports of a new problem in Australia. Some of the kangaroos have developed a thirst for revenge against the traffic that keeps knocking them down. Drivers have reported that they'll pass a herd of roos that are hopping along peacefully, but as soon as they've passed them, the roos suddenly change direction, and veer right towards the vehicle. The driver then has to drive as quickly as possible to escape the rampaging marsupials.

Drivers are being urged to keep an eye on their veer-roo mirror at all times.


Sherlock Holmes and the Mysterious Painting

Shelock Holmes and Doctor Watson were doing their usual investigative business one day, when the uncovered an amazing painting. At first glance, it looked like a picture of normal oak tree, in the middle of a wilderness, but if you looked closer, you could see that it was a very surreal painting: The tree's trunk was actually made of fire, and it's branches were made of ice, clouds and earth.

"What is it?" asked Watson in awe.

"It's an element tree, my dear Watson," said Holmes.


Cheese on the Moon

A group of astronaughts are on the moon. They've been mining the surface, and have discovered that it really is made of cheese.

One particular area of cheese that they're quite interested in is a large vein of brie, and they've already been there twice, and collected samples to be returned to mission control.

All of a sudden, the radio crackles into life: "Mission control to cheese-base-one - we need you to get a third load of that brie!"

But the astronaughts are unhappy with the idea. They try to come up with all sorts of excuses why they shouldn't dig any more...

"It'll spoil the environment if we take too much. We don't want to leave this place looking bad.

"After all - have you ever seen such a site in your life as brie mined thrice?"


And now 10 Short ones:

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him -- oh, man, this is so bad, it's good --

a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


Lessons from an Oyster


"There once was an oyster
Whose story I tell,
Who found that some sand
Had got into his shell.
It was only a grain,
but it gave him great pain.
For oysters have feelings
Although they're so plain.
Now, did he berate
the harsh workings of fate
That had brought him
To such a deplorable state?
Did he curse at the government,
Cry for election,
And claim that the sea should
Have given him protection?
'No,' he said to himself
As he lay on a shell,
Since I cannot remove it,
I shall try to improve it.
Now the years have rolled around,
As the years always do,
And he came to his ultimate
Destiny ­ stew.
And the small grain of sand
That had bothered him so
Was a beautiful pearl
All richly aglow.
Now the tale has a moral,
for isn't it grand
What an oyster can do
With a morsel of sand?
What couldn't we do
If we'd only begin
With some of the things
That get under our skin.
These things I command you, that ye may
LOVE one another...
Owe no man anything, save to LOVE one another