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Thursday, May 31, 2012

True... True...


Apples and Onions

Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his John Thomas into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my Willie into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

Intrauterine Surgery An amazing story !!!!!!!!!

A picture began circulating in November. It should be "The Picture of the Year," or perhaps, "Picture of the Decade." It won't be. In fact, unless you obtained a copy of the US paper which published it, you probably would never have seen it.

The picture is that of a 21-week-old unborn baby named Samuel Alexander Armas, who is being operated on by surgeon named Joseph Bruner. The baby was diagnosed with spina bifida and would not survive if removed from his mother's womb. Little Samuel's mother, Julie Armas, is an obstetrics nurse in Atlanta. She knew of Dr. Bruner's remarkable surgical procedure. Practicing at Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville, he performs these special operations while the baby is still in the womb.

During the procedure, the doctor removes the uterus via C-section and makes a small incision to operate on the baby. As Dr. Bruner completed the surgery on Samuel, the little guy reached his tiny, but fully developed hand through the incision and firmly grasped the surgeon's finger.

Dr. Bruner was reported as saying that when his finger was grasped, it was the most emotional moment of his life, and that for an instant during the procedure he was just frozen, totally immobile. The photograph captures this amazing event with perfect clarity. The editors titled the picture, "Hand of Hope."

The text explaining the picture begins, "The tiny hand of 21-week-old fetus Samuel Alexander Armas emerges from the mother's uterus to grasp the finger of Dr. Joseph Bruner as if thanking the doctor for the gift of life." Little Samuel's mother said they "wept for days" when they saw the picture. She said, "The photo reminds us pregnancy isn't about disability or an illness, it's about a little person." Samuel was born in perfect health, the operation 100 percent successful. Now see the actual picture, and it is awesome...incredible....and hey, pass the post on. The world needs to see this one!

Fetus

Reflections

Reflections

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Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Smart Guy



cop at a trial
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. & But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

3 Zingers

Teenage sex:

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"



Church:

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No shit?"



Pancakes:

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

Be Happy!


Be Happy!
Be Happy!
Be Happy!
Be Happy!
Be Happy!
Be Happy!
Be Happy!

What the parrot said to the vicar...


A parrot has been put in isolation and made to listen to Radio 4 after swearing repeatedly at distinguished visitors.

Barney, a five-year-old Macaw, turned the air blue when a civic party toured the Warwickshire Animal Sanctuary, Nuneaton.

He told the mayor to: "F*** off," before turning to a woman vicar and saying: "You can f*** off too", reports the Guardian.

Sanctuary owner, Geoff Grewcock, said: "To their credit they didn't take offence and laughed it off - and luckily so did two policemen who were told: "And you can f*** off, you w***ers."

The parrot is thought to have learnt its repertoire from its former owner - a retired truck driver - who emigrated to Spain three years ago, and by watching late night TV.

Mr Grewcock is now attempting a cultural reversal by keeping Barney alone in a special cage listening to Radio 4.

"It isn't really working yet but he is a very funny parrot, with a lot of character, and he does say thank you whenever you give him a treat."


Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Beautiful Dogs

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The Kiss

After just a few years together, a young gay couple whose relationship was filled with constant arguments, decided the only way to save their relationship was to try counseling. They had been at each others throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, the one man, a 20s something blonde, held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, his partner began talking 90 miles and hour describing all the wrongs within their relationship.

After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to him, the counselor went over to him, picked him up by his shoulders, kissed him passionately for several minutes and then sat him back down.

The councilor then looked over at the blonde who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.

The counselor said, "Your boyfriend NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The blonde scratched his head and replied, "I can have him here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."


Monday, May 28, 2012

TICK WARNING

Tick
Ticks can be dangerous

Please send this warning to everyone on your email list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up.....
DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!

They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday.. I feel so stupid.

*Thanks, DW

Wise Words

Be Wise

Be Wise!Quote: Success - Emerson

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Be Wise!Help pets handle cold weather

All though they wear their coats all year round, winter is an adjustment for cats and dogs too. Here are some tips from the American Humane Society to keep your pets healthy during the cold winter:

- Keep pets inside when the temperature reaches 30 degrees with the wind-chill. Dogs and cats can get frostbitten ears, nose and feet if left outside.

- If your dog always stays outside make sure it has a dry elevated house with clean, dry bedding and a flap over the opening to keep drafts out. It is a good idea to add dog door to the garage with a soft cushion in the warmest corner.

- Check all outside water bowls throughout the day to make sure they are not frozen.

- The chemicals used to melt snow on the streets and sidewalks can irritate your pet’s paws. Before your pet goes outside, use petroleum jelly on its paws to protect its paws from the deicing materials.

- Make sure a cat hasn’t crawled under your can seeking shelter and warmth near the engine. The cat could get caught in the fan and be seriously injured when the engine starts. Open the hood of your car or slap it noisily with you hand before starting the engine on cold days to startle any animal sleeping there.

Be Wise!Indian Proverb on attaining goals 

When you shoot an arrow for distance, aim high not on the level, for even if it does not go the distance you desired, it will go much farther than it would have if you had shot it on the level.


Be Wise!My Life


The road to success is not straight.

There is a curve called Failure,

A loop called Confusion,

Speed bumps called Friends,

Red lights called Enemies,

Caution lights called Family,

You will have flats called Jobs.

- JWD -

Be Wise!Security Tip: Check the doors

A lock on a flimsy door is about as effective as locking your car door but leaving the window down.

· All outside doors should be metal or solid wood.

· If your doors don't fit tightly in their frames, install weather stripping around them.

· Install a peephole or wide angle viewer in all entry doors so you can see who is outside without opening the door. Door chains break easily and don't keep out intruders.

Be Wise!When more isn't better

Cancer is described as cells that just continue reproducing until the destruction of the host. In this sense, humans could be looked at as a kind of cancer to the host Earth.

Giggles, Gaffaws and Groaners...

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.

Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, DeNephew.



A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."


Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said "Louieville" and the other "Louiseville." They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly." The waitress goes, "Bur-ger-King."



Q. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None. That's a hardware issue.

HYUK!

Two Musicians’ in a major symphonic orchestra were discussing who they thought the LEAST talented musician in the band was. One of them said; that’s easy. See that guy standing in the back? Well, we just put two sticks in his hands and we call him a Drummer. The other responded; well, if we take one stick away, we call him a Conductor!



Two Antartians were walking down the street. One stops and says, "Oh my god!!! A dead bird." The other looks up and says, "Were, were?"

HYUK!

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

Saturday, May 26, 2012

IMAGINE YOU ARE AT A PARTY....

IMAGINE YOU ARE AT A PARTY....

YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING.......

AND THEN YOU HAVE TO VISIT THE BATHROOM....

You open the door....

THE FLOOR IS JUST A PAINTED  FLOOR!



NOW, REMEMBER, THE FLOOR IS JUST A PAINTED FLOOR!

KINDA TAKES YOUR BREATH AWAY.....

DOESN'T IT?

The Evolution of Man

The Evolution of Man

The 411 - The Beckoning Cat

Maneki Neko - The Beckoning Cat

The Maneki Neko (literally "Beckoning Cat"; also known as Welcoming Cat, Lucky Cat, Money cat, or Fortune Cat) is a common Japanese sculpture, often made of ceramic, which is believed to bring good luck to the owner. The sculpture depicts a cat (traditionally a calico Japanese Bobtail) beckoning with an upright paw, and is usually displayed—many times at the entrance—in shops, restaurants, pachinko parlors, and other businesses. Some of the sculptures are electric or battery-powered and have a slow-moving paw beckoning. Maneki Neko come in different colors, styles, and degrees of ornateness. In addition to sculptures, Maneki Neko can be found as keychains, piggy banks, air fresheners, and miscellaneous ornaments. Due to its popular presence within Chinese communities it is frequently mistaken for being Chinese in origin rather than Japanese and is mistakenly referred to as a Chinese Lucky Cat or jīnmāo (Golden Cat). The one pictured above is the one The Wizard has...

The Gesture


To Westerners it may seem as if the Maneki Neko is waving rather than beckoning. This is due to the difference in gestures and body language recognized by Westerners and the Japanese, the Japanese beckoning gesture is made by holding up the hand, palm out, and repeatedly folding the fingers down and back up, thus the cat's appearance. Some Maneki Neko made specifically for Western markets will have the cat's paw facing backwards, in a beckoning gesture more familiar to Westerners.

Maneki Neko - The Beckoning Cat

Maneki Neko can be found with either the right or left paw raised (and sometimes both). The significance of the right and left raised paw differs with time and place. The most common belief is that the left paw raised brings in customers, while a right paw brings good luck and wealth, although some believe the opposite. Another interpretation says that a raised left paw attracts money, while a raised right paw protects it. Still others say that a left paw raised is best for drinking establishments, the right paw for other stores. (Those who hold their liquor well are called hidari-kiki in Japan, "left-handed").

It is commonly believed the higher the raised paw, the greater the luck. Consequently, over the years Maneki Neko's paw has tended to appear ever higher. Some use the paw height as a crude method of gauging the relative age of a figure. Another common belief is that the higher the paw, the greater the distance good fortune will come from.

Some Maneki Neko feature battery- or solar-powered moving arms endlessly engaged in the beckoning gesture.

Collar, bib and bell

Maneki Neko usually have some sort of decoration around their neck. This can be a neckerchief or a scarf but the most common attire is a collar, bell and
decorative bib. These items are most likely in imitation of what was common attire for cats in wealthy households during the Edo period. Red collars made from a red flower, the hichirimen, were popular and small bells were attached for decoration and to keep track of the cat's whereabouts.

The bib might also be related to the bibs often decorating statues of the divinity Jizō Bosatsu. Protective statues of Jizō can be found guarding the entrances to Japanese shrines and graveyards. Jizō is the protector of sick and dying children and grateful parents of children recovered from illness will place a bib around Jizō as a gift of thankfulness.

The Coin

Maneki Neko are sometimes depicted holding a coin; usually a gold coin called a koban (小判), used during the Edo period in Japan. A koban was worth one ryō, another early Japanese monetary unit, though the koban most Maneki Neko hold is indicated to be worth ten million ryō, an extraordinary sum of money. A ryō can be imagined as worth a thousand dollars, although the value of the coin, like the value of the dollar, varied considerably. In Japanese, the idiom "koban to cats" (neko ni koban) is the traditional equivalent of pearls before swine.

The coin ties into the cat's part in bringing good fortune and wealth. It is not surprising then that one can often find Maneki Neko used as banks, a practice which goes back at least to the 1890s, much like the Western piggy bank.

Sometimes, pennies and other small coin denominations are left on the Maneki Neko as offerings. This is a practice somewhat related to that of leaving coins in a fountain or wishing well.

Composition

Maneki Neko are typically made of ceramic. However, cheaper Maneki Neko can be made of other materials ranging from plastic to wood to papier-mâché to clay, while expensive Maneki Neko may be made of jade or gold. The moving Maneki Neko are usually made of plastic.

History

While it is believed that Maneki Neko first appeared during the later part of the Edo period (1603–1867) in Japan the earliest documentary evidence comes from the 1870s, during Japan's Meiji Era. It is mentioned in a newspaper article in 1876 and there is evidence kimono-clad Maneki Neko were distributed at a shrine in Osaka during this time. An ad from 1902 advertising Maneki Neko indicates that by the turn of the century they were popular.

Beyond that, the exact origins of Maneki Neko are uncertain, but there is a folk tale involving a wooden cat shaped this way:
A young woman had a cat, which she valued above all else. One day, she had her friend, a swordsman over. The cat suddenly went frantic, clawing at the woman's kimono. Thinking the cat was attacking her, the swordsman severed the head of the cat, which flew through the air, then lodged its teeth into a highly poisonous snake on the support boards above. After the incident, the woman would neither eat nor sleep. The swordsman felt guilty for what he had done and sad for the woman. He went to a woodcarver, who was called "the best in the land", who made him a carving of the cat, a paw raised in greeting. When he gave the carving to her, she was overjoyed and lived her life again instead of suffering.

A frequent attribution to several Japanese emperors, as well as to Oda Nobunaga and samurai Ii Naotaka, is that one day the luminary passed by a cat, which seemed to wave to him. Taking the cat's motion as a sign, the unknown nobleman paused and went to it. Diverted from his journey, he realized that he had avoided a trap that had been laid for him just ahead. Since that time, cats have been considered wise and lucky spirits. Many Japanese shrines and homes include the figurine of a cat with one paw upraised as if waving—hence the origin of Maneki Neko, often referred to as Kami Neko in reference to the cat's kami or spirit.

Others have noted the similarities between the Maneki Neko's gesture and that of a cat washing its face. There is a Japanese belief that a cat washing its face means a visitor will soon arrive. This belief may in turn be related to an even older Chinese proverb that states that if a cat washes its face, it will rain. Thus it is possible a belief arose that a figure of a cat washing its face would bring in customers.

In modern cultures, Maneki Neko can be frequently found in rooms on the third floors of buildings, due to the auspicious qualities associated with the number three. Japanese folklore suggests that keeping a talisman of good fortune, such as the Maneki Neko, in bedrooms and places of study will bring about favorable results and life successes.

Legends and stories

The Temple Cat: This story goes that a wealthy feudal lord was taking shelter under a tree near Gotoku-ji temple (in Western Tokyo) during a thunderstorm. The lord saw the temple priest's cat beckoning to him and followed; a moment later the tree was struck by lightning. The wealthy man became friends with the poor priest and the temple became prosperous. When the cat died, supposedly the first Maneki Neko was made in his honor.

The Courtesan: A geisha named Usugumo, living in Yoshiwara, in eastern Tokyo, kept a cat, much beloved by her. One night, the cat began tugging at her kimono. No matter what she did, the cat persisted. The owner of the brothel saw this, and believing the cat bewitched, cut its head off. The cat's head then flew to the ceiling where it killed a snake, ready at any moment to strike. Usugumo was devastated by the death of her companion. To cheer her up, one of her customers made her a wooden likeness of her cat as a gift. This cat image then became popular as the Maneki Neko.

The Old Woman: An old woman living in Imado (eastern Tokyo) was forced to sell her cat due to extreme poverty. Soon afterwards the cat appeared to her in a dream. The cat told her to make its image in clay. She did as instructed, and soon afterward sold the statue. She then made more, and people bought them as well. They were so popular she soon became prosperous and wealthy. Maneki Neko is the subject of a number of legends.

*From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

The Chinese Restaurant

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid drops back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it drops back down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

( You're going to love this..). . . . . . .





"Ah. So sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!