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Friday, September 30, 2011

I LOVE YOU" IN 10 LANGUAGES


English - I Love You

Spanish - Te Amo

French - Je T'aime

German - Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese - Ai Shite Imasu

Italian - Ti Amo

Chinese - Wo Ai Ni

Swedish - Jag Alskar Dig

Nederlands - Ik hou van jou

Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia, Saskatchewan, Alberta - Nice Tits, Get in the Truck.

Three stupid stages of life


We have 3 stupid stages in life:


Teen age:
Have Time + Energy …but No Money


Working Age:
Have Money + Energy …but No Time

Old age:
Have Time + Money …but no Energy



PERKS OF REACHING 50+



Someone

Had to remind me,
So I'm
Reminding
You, too.
Don't laugh....

It is all true!

Perks of reaching
50
Or being over
60
And heading
Towards
70!

1.
Kidnappers
Are not very
Interested in you.


2.
In a hostage situation,
You are likely to be
Released first.


3.
No one expects
You to run --
Anywhere.

4.
People call at 9 PM
And ask,
'Did I wake you?'

5.
People no longer
View you as a
Hypochondriac.

6..
There is nothing left
To learn the hard way...

7.
Things you buy now
Won't wear out.

8.
You can eat
Supper at 4 PM.

9.
You can live
'without sex
But not your glasses.

10.
You get into
Heated arguments
About pension plans.

11.
You no longer think
Of speed limits
As a challenge.

12.
You quit trying
To hold
Your stomach in
No matter who walks
Into the room.

13.
You sing along
With elevator music.

14.
Your eyes
Won't get
Much worse.

15..
Your investment
In health insurance
Is finally beginning
To pay off.

16.
Your joints are more
Accurate meteorologists
Than the national
Weather service.

17.
Your secrets are safe
With your friends
Because they can't
Remember them either.

18.
Your supply of brain cells
Is finally down to
A manageable size.


19.
And you notice
These are all
In big print
For your convenience.

*Thanks, Dwight

TROY - The Latest Strip


This a gay-themed comic

--Wizard's Note: I have updated all the TROY posts to reflect Michael Derry's new domain. Links are no longer broken--

Click Here Then choose 'Current Strip'
Click Above Then choose 'Current Strip'.

The new comic, Troy #289, Happy Days, is out and up online. The boys toast the good times.

And you can find Michael's books and ebooks for sale at TROY Tooner.


Miracle Water


These four older ladies who lived in Yugoslavia always sat outside together near the church and chatted about when they were younger.

One month ago they pooled their money together and bought a laptop.



Old ladies before miricle water


Never having been there, but having heard all about Florida , they just happened to click on St. Augustine , FL. They read about the "Fountain of Youth" claimed by the Spaniards when they arrived there.

They collected up all the money they had left and sent for four bottles of the water. As soon as it arrived, they drank as directed.


The rest of this story will make you a believer, because here they are today ...

Old ladies after miracle water


No .... This is TRUE! Really! Would We lie to you?

We have a limited supply of this water available now at an incredibly low low price of just $1,49.95 a bottle.

Seriously

HURRY BEFORE THE INVENTORY RUNS OUT!


Make checks payable to:

Dalton McGuinty-Liberal Party of Ontario


*Thanks, DW

Thursday, September 29, 2011

McGill Dances for Cancer Research Lipdub




watch it and Medical supply company Medicom sponsored the video and is making a donation to the centre for each hit the video gets.

Granny's Annual Checkup


A woman in her 30's was taking her mother, who was in her 50's to the gynocologist. After dropping her mother off, she and her daughter ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor.

While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked, "Don't we look pretty today", as he performed his examination. The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing.

When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset. The following conversation ensued:

Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, "Don't we look pretty today", while he was looking between my legs! Do you think that was appropriate?

Daughter: No! Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hairstyle or something?


Mother: Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think?

Daughter: I don't know. We're you embarassed?
Mother: I was very embarassed. I used some of your FDS this morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don't think he should have commented!

Daughter: I don't have any FDS.

Mother: Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the toilet. I used some before the appointment...

Granddaughter: Grandma! That's my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray!


Rub The Lamp


One night a guy walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and starts talking to him. As they were talking, the guy turns around and says to the bartender, "I bet you I could show you something you have never seen before in your life."

The bartender says, "That would be kind of hard because I have seen almost everything in my life." So the guy says, "No, trust me, you have never seen this before in your life."

The bartender got curious and says, "Alright, let me see what it is." So the guy says, "Alright."

The guy takes out of his pocket a 12 inch man playing the piano.

The bartender was so amazed because he had never seen anything like that before in his life! So he asks the guy, "How the hell did you get a hold of that?" and the guy says, "Well, I've got this genie and he gives you anything that you wish for."

"Do you think I could borrow that genie for a second?" the bartender asks, and the guy says, "Sure" and gives him the magic lamp.

The bartender takes the lamp to the back room and rubs it. Next thing you know, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, "Anything you wish for is my command."

The bartender wishes for a million bucks, but the genie gave him a million ducks. So the bartender comes back out and says to the guy, "Yo buddy, I think your genie is a little hard of hearing because I wished for a million bucks and he gave me a million ducks."

The the guy goes, "Tell me about it, I originally wished for a 12 inch penis, not a 12 inch pianist."


THE GREAT CHILI COOK-OFF


NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.

For those of you who may have lived in Texas, you know how true this is! They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me, you will be howling out loud.

THE INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."


Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pissed me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!


CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!


CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress and he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Tarot - Let your inner-sun-shine!

Have you ever had days that have started gloomy, overcast and gray only to find your spirit lift as the sun breaks through the clouds shining brightly and sharing its warmth, even in the midst of Winter? ...

.. As I was waiting for a bus, enjoying the warm sun upon my face today, I thought about the joy, energy and vitality that sunshine brings.

The same vitality, joy and energy can be found with your inner sun, and knowing how to draw on this energy can help you dispel your own dark clouds caused by mixed emotions and confusion.

The Sun is one of my favorite Tarot cards as it is so positive and joyful, and whenever it appears in my reading it conjures up hope and joy in my heart.

The Sun suggests happiness through enjoying time with family, friends and loved ones, or perhaps holidays and celebrations - if you’re not enjoying yourself in such a way, this card is suggesting you should!!

The Sun generally indicates good news concerning children, and can herald the wonderful gift of the conception or birth of a much wanted child, so if you are hoping for or planning to start a family, look out for this card in your
readings.

It is a card of good health, joyful emotions and lust for life – for me it represents the very essence of life at its best.

It is our ability to let our own inner sun shine that can make such a difference; we are naturally drawn to people who are happy and positive - those with a ‘sunny disposition’. When you can transcend negative thoughts and feelings, and instead think and feel more positively, it creates a totally different energy.

You can use the Lotus Chakra members’ reading to help focus on your inner sun Chakra.

Look out for when the sun comes up in your readings, and when it does ask yourself:

‘Am I being positive and enthusiastic about my life?’
‘Do people see me as happy and joyful?’

When you have days where you cannot see through the clouds of confusion or your heart weighs heavy with dark emotions, look inwards and focus on letting your inner sun shine, and dispel those negative thoughts and emotions.

"AnkhIwiEmHotep"
Life and Peace be with You --Cinosam

Only eleven times in history

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

1. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

2. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

3. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877

4. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938

5. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

7. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566

8.. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

9. "Scattered @#$%ing showers,my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

10."Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998

and a drum roll please............!

11. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003


Human Life - Explained


ON THE FIRST DAY, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day at the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a lifespan of 20 years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me 10 years and I'll give you back the other 10." So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people. Do monkey tricks and make them laugh. I'll give you a lifespan of 20 years." The monkey said, "How boring. Monkey tricks for 20 years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back 10, so that's what I'll do, too. OK?" And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of 60 years." The cow said, "That's a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. Let me have 20, and I'll give back the other 40." And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you 20 years." Man said, "Only 20 years? Tell you what. I'll take my 20, as well as the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back and the 10 the dog gave back. That makes 80." "OK," God said. "You've got a deal."

That's why the first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family. Then, for the next 10 years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. Our last 10 years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.


S O M E T I M E S


Sometimes...
when you cry...
no one sees your tears.






Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.






Sometimes...
when you are worried...
no one sees your stress.





Sometimes...
when you are happy...
no one sees your smile.

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

But FART!! just ONE time...


And everybody knows!!

Gotcha!! You thought it was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Walking Eagle


On a recent public relations trip through Orillia, Prime Minister Harper visited the Rama Casino. He met with the elders of the Mohawk Nation and said he had a plan to improve the income of every Native Canadian by $60,000 a year.

Details of the plan were not presented despite frequent requests to do so. Harper also informed the elders that he favored every Native Canadian issue proposed or sent to him for his signature.

Harper was adopted as a member of the Mohawk Nation and given the name Walking Eagle. After the Prime Minister left, one of the elders was asked the significance of the name Walking Eagle. His response---

" Bird so full of shit it can't fly "


Nice Little Poem

ITALIAN PASTA DIET


IT REALLY WORKS !!

1) You walka pasta da bakery.

2) You walka pasta da candy store.

3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.

Also:

CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


Monday, September 26, 2011

The Woman Shopper


A middle aged woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'. Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!

"PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager goes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explained the problem with the toaster, and HE tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,

'PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!"

And doing so draws an even more HUGE crowd! In shock, the Store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that? In a huff,

the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!


You know you're from rural Saskatchewan when . . .


1. You never meet any celebrities except maybe "Theresa Sokyrka or The Cottonpickers " or the Johner Bros !
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
3. "Vacation" means going to Moose Jaw Spa.
4. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.
5. You measure distance in hours.
6. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
7. Your classes were cancelled because of cold.
8. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
9. You use (or need) a down comforter in the summer.
10. Your grandparents drive at 100/km per hour through 13 feet of snow and raging blizzard - without flinching.
11. You plan your financial future around bingo.
12. You see people wear hunting clothes at social events.
13. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
14. You think of the major four food groups as deer meat, beer,fish and saskatoons.
15. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
16. There are always 4 empty cars running in the parking lot at the beer store at any given time.
17. You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
18. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
19. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow
20. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
21. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pyjamas.
22. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
23 You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter and Construction.
24. It takes 3 hours to go to the mall for one item even when you're in a rush because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.
25. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends from Saskatchewan.


Disney Trivia


Are you up to it?? Kiddies... get out your pencils and papers...

Q1. What singer performed classic Disney love song duets with Celine Dion and Regina Belle?

Q2. "Bella Notte (This Is the Night)" was the love song from what classic Disney animated film?

Q3. What love song from a Disney film won the Academy Award® for Best Original Song for 1999?

Q4. One man wrote the music for two classic, Academy Award-winning love songs for Disney films in the 1990s. Can you name him and the two songs that won?

Q5. The Academy Award-nominated love song "Candle on the Water" was performed by what artist in what film?

Q6. The song "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" was used twice in the film "The Lion King," in two different versions. Who sang the song each time?

Q7. Mickey expressed his affection for Minnie in the song "Minnie’s Yoo Hoo," which was used as a theme song for the original "Mickey Mouse Club." In what animated short did the song first appear?

Q8. The Academy Award-nominated song "When She Loved Me" is from what Disney film?

Q9. A song simply titled "Love" is from what classic Disney animated film?

Q10. Which animated feature had its key love song, "If I Never Knew You," cut after preview screenings?

Q11. What love song from a Disney film captured the Grammy award in 1994 for Best Pop Male Performance?

Q12. The history of honors for love songs from Disney films goes way back. The song "Lavender Blue" from the film "So Dear to My Heart" was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Song for what year?

Q13. The song "Beauty and the Beast" from "Beauty and the Beast" won two Grammy Awards in 1992. Can you name the categories in which it won?

Q14. What love song from a Disney film won the coveted Song of the Year Grammy in 1993?

Click on the mouse ears for the answers...

Click here for the answers

The Complete Guide To Troubleshooting Beer

Click here for the guide

Click above for the Beer Trouble-Shooting Guide

Sunday, September 25, 2011

First World Problems


Dear Friends,

Sometimes the world just seems to be a horrible place. Terrorists, dictators, tyrants, disease, famine and pestilence! The list goes on. I know that once we identify a problem, analyze it, and look for solutions, we can make great strides in reaching a better world for all.

We have recently discovered a new set of problems in the First World. If you will peruse the following chart, I’m sure you will see the massive scale of discontent and ennui!

I am greatly involved at the very heart of these terrible woes. When you see what devastation has been wrought, I know you will want to help. I can assure you that every dollar you send will go directly to the easing of First World Problems.


First World Problems
*Thanks, Gary

Great LOST FILM - Honolulu, August 14, 1945


Turn sound up ...Hope you enjoy this bit of history - my, how the world has changed since those times.

WHAT A WONDERFUL TIME THAT MUST HAVE BEEN

Great video of a Spontaneous Victory Parade in Honolulu in 1945. Take a look at this video-absolutely fabulous! Notice the cars and jeeps, youth. The guys in khaki or gray shirts and black ties are Navy officers or chiefs. The rest are Army or Marine. How young they all were to do what they did. This guy really captured a moment in history! (You can listen to Jimmy Durante singing "I'll be Seeing You" in the background, too) This is a super video of a time past – we need to remember and be THANKFUL. Check out the color fidelity. It's not bad for 1945. Nothing will ever compare with Kodachrome film.


*Thanks, Erwin

The Welfare Check

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said:

"Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said: "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and body guard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."


*Thanks, Bright Eyes

Health & Safety Test


I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"Fuckin' large ones" was apparently the wrong answer.


*Thanks, Bright Eyes

Saturday, September 24, 2011

ALCOHOL TEST


This is an alcohol test: If you pass it, you can keep drinking, if not, it's time to stop. Follow the simple instructions below:

1. Click on the mans nose
2. A new window will open - click on the man's nose again
3. For each time you click on his nose, you can drink another glass of wine!!!

Ckick here

*Thanks, Bright Eyes

The gay bar


This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really Satisfies."

The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job 1.' " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"

The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"


Mr. Bean (as a baby)


Mr Bean as a baby. Scary, right?

Giggles, Gaffaws and Groaners...


Jeb and Jethro live in the hills, about 5 miles outside of town. Jeb asks Jethro to go in to town to pick up some lumber. Jethro walks the 5 miles to town to the local lumberyard.

"Jeb says we're gonna need some 4 x 2's" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Do you mean 2 x 4's?" asks the yardman.

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

"Jeb says we're gonna need 2 x 4's" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Now, how many 2 x 4's will you need?" asks the yardman.

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb." says Jethro, and again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

"Jeb says were gonna need about 40 of 'em" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Now, how long will you need them?" asks the yardman.

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and yet again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

Upon returning Jethro says to the yardman, "Jeb says you better give 'em to us for a while . . . we're gonna build a barn."



Q. Why do University of Michigan graduates hang their diplomas from their rear view mirror?

A. So they can use handicapped parking.



A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles."

She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere. " The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"



Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”

“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”

“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”

HYUK!

Married couples, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one a wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof -- the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me." So the fairy picked up her wand and poof -- the husband was 90.



Two drunken men were driving home. The first started screaming: - Jim, watch out for the wall, watch out for the waaaaall! Baaaaam! They hit the wall. The next day in the hospital the first man asked his friend: - You good for nothing, I've been screaming for you to watch out, why didn't you? Jim answered him: - IT WAS YOU DRIVING!!!

HYUK!

The results of statistics
1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed
2. All polar bears are left-handed
3. If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear

1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles
2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles
3. Work stuffs up your eyesight

1. All dogs are animals
2. All cats are animals
3. Therefore, all dogs are cats

1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second
2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second
3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant



Friday, September 23, 2011

"THOSE DARN TEXANS"


Gabriel went to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here who are causing some real problems... They’re swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, and they are wearing T-shirts instead of their robes; there's barbecue sauce and picante sauce all over everything, especially their T-shirts; their dogs are riding in the chariots and chasing the sheep.”

“They’re wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos.”

“They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean, and their boots are marking and scuffing up the Halls of Wisdom. There are watermelon seeds and tortilla chip crumbs all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing; and they insist on bringing their darn horses with them."

The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all of my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil."

So Gabriel calls the Devil who answers the phone and says, "Hello --hold on a minute...”

When he returns to the phone the Devil says, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?"

Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kinds of problems you are having down there with the Texans."

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."

After about 5 minutes, the Devil returned to the phone and said. "I’m back. Now what was the question?"

Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there with the Texans?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this...hold on!!!!"

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes and when he returns he says, “I’m sorry Gabriel -- I can't talk right now!! Red Adair has put out the fire here and now Brown & Root is installing air conditioning!!!!"

Always remember ... TEXANS SURVIVE ... despite the odds against us!!!


*Thanks, Gary

And so God made a farmer...



*Thanks, Erwin

First-Ever Gay 'Dear John' Letters Begin Reaching U.S. Troops Overseas


One of the many historic letters U.S. service members across the world are beginning to receive.BAGRAM, AFGHANISTAN—Hailed as a monumental step toward equality by gay rights activists, hundreds of Dear John letters reportedly began reaching newly outed troops overseas this week, notifying soldiers for the first time ever that their same-sex partners back home were leaving them and starting a new life with someone else.

According to Pentagon observers, the torrent of brusque, callous letters—which followed Tuesday's repeal of the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy—has left romantically betrayed homosexuals in every branch of the service grappling with feelings of rejection and despair, a momentous milestone in U.S. military history.

"For too long, gays and lesbians in the armed forces were barred from receiving such letters, leaving them woefully unaware that the person they once called their soul mate had been cheating on them throughout their deployment," said Clarence Navarro of the Human Rights Campaign, an LGBT advocacy group. "But now all troops, regardless of their sexual orientation, are free to have their entire lives ripped out from underneath them in a single short note."

"This is a great day for homosexuals," Navarro added. "Even those who now have nothing to return home to."

Navarro told reporters the Defense Department's willingness to embrace gay soldiers, including those suddenly plunged into gut- wrenching heartache in an unforgiving war zone 8,000 miles from home, was a sign the American military had finally moved into the 21st century.

--more at TheOnion.com-


No Matter How Bad Your Day Is Going....


Keep Smiling!
*Thanks, Michelle

Thursday, September 22, 2011

From The Emerald City

The Emerald City



Hey! Do you have good short stories, interesting anecdotes, jokes, riddles, funny pix (yeah even lolcats!)?????

Want them featured on OZ? Simply click on the picture of The Wizard of OZ in the top right hand of my blog and email it to me for consideration. No XXX stuff, please and thank you. Original Author should be included if known. Unfortunately, the Wizard of 'OZ' is unable to pay for these things, but if you have a webpage that you want referred to in the post, include that as well and I will link it.

Looking forward to hearing from you!

Yours,

--The Wizard


ODE TO TEXAS


The devil wanted a place on earth
Sort of a summer home
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam.

So he picked out Texas
A place both wretched and rough
Where the climate was to his liking
And the cowboys hardened and tough.

He dried up the streams in the canyons
And ordered no rain to fall
He dried up the lakes in the valleys
Then baked and scorched it all.

Then over his barren country
He transplanted shrubs from hell.
The cactus, thistle and prickly pear
The climate suited them well.

Now the home was much to his liking
But animal life, he had none.
So he created crawling creatures
That all mankind would shun.

First he made the rattlesnake
With it's forked poisonous tongue.
Taught it to strike and rattle
And how to swallow it's young.

Then he made scorpions and lizards
And the ugly old horned toad.
He placed spiders of every description
Under rocks by the side of the road.

Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter,
Hotter and hotter still.
Until even the cactus wilted
And the old horned lizard took ill.

Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom
As any creator would
He chuckled a little up his sleeve
And admitted that it was good.

'Twas summer now and Satan lay
By a prickly pear to rest.
The sweat rolled off his swarthy brow
So he took off his coat and vest.

"By Golly," he finally panted,
"I did my job too well,
I'm going back to where I came from,
Texas is hotter than Hell

*Thanks, Gary!

Interesting

>A fabrication, it never happened, just a story!
http://www.snopes.com/glurge/fleming.asp

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.

There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.


'I want to repay you,' said the nobleman. 'You saved my son's life.'


'No, I can't accept payment for what I did,' the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.


'Is that your son?' the nobleman asked.


'Yes,' the farmer replied proudly.


'I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.' And that he did.

Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.


Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.

What saved his life this time? Penicillin.


The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill .. His son's name?


Sir Winston Churchill.


Someone once said: What goes around comes around..


*Thanks, Jim

DADT Officially toast


So DADT is dead. Finally! So now our LGB troops can serve openly. Welcome to the 21st century! This is great news and a milestone for LGB folks. But what about the "T" as in Transgendered? Can they serve openly? Or will it remain Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual folks? Your opinion? Make a comment!


FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

September 20, 2011

Statement by the President on the Repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

Today, the discriminatory law known as ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ is finally and formally repealed. As of today, patriotic Americans in uniform will no longer have to lie about who they are in order to serve the country they love. As of today, our armed forces will no longer lose the extraordinary skills and combat experience of so many gay and lesbian service members. And today, as Commander in Chief, I want those who were discharged under this law to know that your country deeply values your service.

I was proud to sign the Repeal Act into law last December because I knew that it would enhance our national security, increase our military readiness, and bring us closer to the principles of equality and fairness that define us as Americans. Today’s achievement is a tribute to all the patriots who fought and marched for change; to Members of Congress, from both parties, who voted for repeal; to our civilian and military leaders who ensured a smooth transition; and to the professionalism of our men and women in uniform who showed that they were ready to move forward together, as one team, to meet the missions we ask of them.

For more than two centuries, we have worked to extend America’s promise to all our citizens. Our armed forces have been both a mirror and a catalyst of that progress, and our troops, including gays and lesbians, have given their lives to defend the freedoms and liberties that we cherish as Americans. Today, every American can be proud that we have taken another great step toward keeping our military the finest in the world and toward fulfilling our nation’s founding ideals.



Navy lieutenant marries partner after DADT repeal

by Andrew Davis, Windy City Times

Navy Lt. Gary Ross married his partner In Vermont Navy Lt. Gary Ross married his partner just as the repeal on "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" took effect, according to a Boston.com item. The couple recited their vows at the stroke of midnight on Sept. 20—the first moment the ban ended. Ross, 33, and Dan Swezy, a 49-year-old civilian, traveled from their home in Tucson, Ariz., to wed in Vermont, the first state to allow same-sex civil unions and one of six that has legalized same-sex marriage.


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Mass Confusion!

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." "Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon sign, Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' can't stay on the church roof."


100 Reasons To be Gay...


In celebration of the mirth it caused I thought I’d share it with you all. Aren’t I kind ? If you’re on a random joke list then you might have seen it before, but the oldies are always the best (unless you’re lucky enough to pull some young chicken) and we say share and share alike (unless its an STD).

So, here are 100 reasons to be gay. How many can you own up to ?
Click here.


The Writings on the Stall!


If you're like me, you just can't spend enough time reading in public restrooms. And there's always some guy standing in front of the next chapter on the wall by the urinal. And he seldom wants to be a dear and jot down the phone number. I kid. Comic relief.

Unisex


But it is nice the computer age brings funny restroom graffiti direct to our screens, the modern bathroom monitors. Of course, we must do without the ambient flushes and floating cigarette butts.

Unisex


This site is clogged with hundreds of actual messages noted in the Mens and Ladies, Guys and Dolls, Buoys and Gulls. We're told "They serve as (informal) forums for politics, pop culture, humor, and so forth." Please note: Explicit content and they're out of paper towels.

Unisex


My personal favourite:

University of Colorado
Engineering Building
Boulder, Colorado USA 80023
Men's restroom, ground floor

E=MC2
(And underneath it)
Very nice Albert, next time show your work
Written on the side of a stall, Albert Einstein's famous equation.

The Writings on the Stall!
Entries posted on this site don't necessarily reflect the beliefs of its The Wizard.

Unisex

J.R Martinez of Dancing With The Stars


from OMG from Yahoo!

J.R. Martinez's Dramatic & Inspirational Journey To 'Dancing With The Stars'

J.R MartinezLOS ANGELES, Calif. -- Military veteran and "All My Children" star J.R. Martinez got off to a stellar "Dancing with the Stars" start on Monday night - scoring 22 points on his first dance - but his road to the ballroom might be unlike any other star before him.

"I'm proud of these scars, I'm proud of my journey, and I'm proud of it because it led me to be right here with you," J.R. told his professional partner Karina Smirnoff on the season premiere of the hit ABC series.

J.R. joined the military at 19 and while deployed in Iraq in 2003 as United States Army infantryman, he ran over a land mine while driving a truck. He suffered burns to 40 percent of his body, lost most of the hair on his head and one of his ears.

"J.R. is a real-life hero. He's such an inspiration and his outlook on life is so positive," partner Karina said of J.R. on Monday's show.

Following his harrowing accident in Iraq, he underwent 33 surgeries, including numerous painful skin grafts and tissue expansion to repair the damage to his body.

The 28-year-old, who originally hails from Shreveport, Louisiana, went on to become a motivational speaker and an actor on ABC's "All My Children" - and through it all, never lost his sense of humor.

"I only have one ear, so I only catch one half of the sentence," he said, joking with partner Karina in footage of a rehearsal shown during the premiere.

His perseverance and hard work rehearsing appear to have paid off. J.R. tied for first place with Chynna Phillips - both stars earning 22/30 - and received heaps of praise from judge Len Goodman, who said, "J.R. stands for just right."

Judge Carrie Ann Inaba continued the accolades, saying, "I was absolutely touched by your performance. You're able to bring an emotional quality to your dance on day one, that's mind blowing."

Access Hollywood's Shaun Robinson caught up with J.R. and Karina after their big night, where he spoke about being an inspiration to others.

"My war was in the military over in Iraq, but a lot of people face a different kind of war in everyday life and it's not easy. But you just have to remember that there's a goal at the end. There's light at the end. You just gotta keep fighting through every single day," he said. "You gotta push through and not give up and know at the end of the day you're going to be the top of the leader board."

Earlier during the show, the veteran-turned-actor raved about working with Karina and getting to know his fellow contestants and their pro partners.

"I have an amazing, amazing partner and she's so talented to teach me all things she's taught me, it's been an absolute pleasure," he said. "It's a pleasure to be here with all these dancers and just go on this journey."

As his "DWTS" journey begins, another chapter in his life, "All My Children," where he's played former combat veteran and policeman Brot Monroe since 2008, is coming to an end this week as the ABC soap ends its run.

"If it wasn't for 'All My Children' I wouldn't even be considered to be here, to be a part of this amazing cast. I'm so grateful for what 'All My Children' did for me, and the fans, the loyal fans," he told Shaun. "It is sad that it is going to end this week. It's been kind of an emotional rollercoaster, but at the same time, I understand new opportunities and new goals and you gotta just go out there and do it."

Assuming his high scores are enough to push him through to next week, J.R. revealed to Shaun that he and Karina will be doing the jive next week.

"It's fun... It's something we're looking forward to doing," he added.


Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Cool Pictures

Blind Man's Adventure


A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - given that you are blind -that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 180-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah. not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Some Sobering Questions


Do you have an alcohol problem? situations may provide a clue?.


You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor...

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger...who needs dinner?

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

I'm as jober as a sudge.


Penis Requests a Raise


Penis


Penis Requests a Raise

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases


Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not
all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,

The Management

Monday, September 19, 2011

Feeling Stupid??


If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you’ll begin to think you’re a genius..
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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama’s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”
–Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
–Mariah Carey
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“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,”
— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
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“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”
–Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,”
–Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
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“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,”
–A congressional candidate in Texas ……
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“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”
–Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it..”
–Al Gore, Vice President
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“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
— Dan Quayle
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“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”
–Lee Iacocca
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“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
–Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”
— Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”
–Department of Social Services,Greenville , South Carolina
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“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.”
–Keppel Enderbery
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“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”
– Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman


*Thanks, Gary

Painting the Church


There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.........

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"


And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..










"Repaint! Repaint!


And thin no more!"


*Thanks, Gary

The Dog


How do you know when it is time to
"hang up the car keys"?
I say when your dog has this look on his face!
A picture is worth a thousand words!


scared dog!
*Thanks, Pam

10 Worst Changes Made to Star Wars


Maybe in a galaxy far, far away, fans are celebrating like Wookies on Life Day the changes George Lucas has made to his Star Wars saga, but not in this one.

Click here to jump to 10 Worst Changes Made to Star Wars - PC Magazine

Click above to read the PC Magazine article

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Jack and Bob


Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

Now keep that smile for the rest of the day!!


GIGGLES & GUFFAWS*


Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister . . . . and now wish to withdraw that statement.
~Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. ~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
~Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
~Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
~Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
~Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid you.
~Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~Phyllis Diller

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good... spit it out.
~Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~Billy Crystal

*GUFFAW: gə-fô' - n.
A hearty, boisterous burst of laughter.


The Pill


Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet.

He asked the son about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive"

"How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this bill. The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow.

The son said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00." "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."


Dr. Visit



I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room
and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.


After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
While waiting I observed that there were three items
on a stand next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly; a rubber glove; and a beer.


When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for,
and I know what the glove is for,
but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged
and stormed over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.....

ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT"


Saturday, September 17, 2011

Solve the Puzzle!!

Click here to solve the puzzle

A NEW WAY TO SPEND TIME WITH YOUR LOVED ONE

TROY - The Latest Strip


This a gay-themed comic

--Wizard's Note: I have updated all the TROY posts to reflect Michael Derry's new domain. Links are no longer broken--

Click Here Then choose 'Current Strip'
Click Above Then choose 'Current Strip'.

The new comic, Troy #288, Feats of the Day, is out and up online. Nick demonstrates what heroes are made of.

And you can find Michael's books and ebooks for sale at TROYTooner.