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Thursday, March 31, 2011

ENLIGHTENED PERSPECTIVE


If you will take the time to read these. I promise you'll come away with an enlightened perspective. The subjects covered affect us all on a daily basis!

Enjoy.......

I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.

I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I 've learned....That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.


*Thanks, again, Gary

Grandpa's Italian Keepsake


An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wan you lissina me.

I wan you-a to take-a-homa my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me-a."


"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.

"Whatt you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"


*Thanks, Gary

Cussing at work


Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.


Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.


Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF : No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF : Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.


Thank You,
Human Resources


*Thanks, Gary

Skittles



*Thanks, Michelle and Rayna

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Stephen Harper steals speech from Emperor Palpatine !!



The World's Shortest Song Titles


A Tie: They are "7" by Prince and "X" by Xzibit.


THE WORLD'S LONGEST SONG TITLE


Swedish group Rednex are the proud owners of the world's longest song title.

At 52 words and 305 characters, (including spaces) here it is:

The Sad But True Story Of Ray Mingus, The Lumberjack Of Bulk Rock City, And His Never Slacking Stribe In Exploiting The So Far Undiscovered Areas Of The Intention To Bodily Intercourse From The Opposite Species Of His Kind, During Intake Of All The Mental Condition That Could Be Derived From Fermentation


The Shortest Poem in the World...


Fleas.
Adam
Had 'em.

The Longest Story in the World


Do you know the story about the longest story in the world?

Once upon a time there lived a chief who liked to listen to stories. And he knew so many stories that sometimes he stopped the storyteller and finished the story himself.

One day the chief sent his servants everywhere to find a good storyteller.

"Our Chief will give many presents to the man who will tell him the longest story in the world and make him laugh," the servants shouted in the streets.

Many people came to the chief and told him very long stories. They tried to make him laugh, but nobody could do that. The chief always said, "That is not the longest story and there is nothing to laugh at."

Once a boy came to the chief and said, "Oh, my Chief, let me try to tell you the longest story in the world and make you laugh."

The chief said, "Well, sit down and begin your story!"

The boy began: "Long, long ago there lived a man, Ubanbau by name. He ate so much that no man could feed him full. The chief of that country heard about Ubanbau and said, "Bring him to me, I shall feed him full." And he ordered his people to bring hundreds of thousands of pots of soup, meat, and fruit. Hundreds of camels carried the pots on their backs. The camels stopped in front of the chief's house. Many people came to see Ubanbau's dinner. Then Ubanbau came. The drummers began to drum, the musicians began to play, and the people sang songs. Ubanbau made a bow to the chief and said to the people, "Now look at me! Look at me! Look at me! With these words Ubanbau began to eat soup. And he ate, and he ate, and he ate, and he ate, and he ate,..."

"Well, what then?" asked the chief. "He ate, and he ate, and what then?"

"Oh, my Chief," answered the boy, "this is only the first pot and there were many thousands of pots! Wait a little.
And he ate, and he ate, and he ate,..."

Evening came. The boy went on with his story; "...and he ate, and he ate, and he ate,..." At last the chief ordered him to stop until the next morning.

In the morning the chief asked the boy to go on with his story. "Now what can you tell us about your Ubanbau?" he asked.

"Oh, my Chief, he not only ate, but drank too, so he drank and then he ate, and he ate, and he ate,..."

The storyteller said louder and louder "And he ate, and he ate, and he ate,..."

The chief looked at the boy and began to laugh. "Well, my boy, your story is the longest in the world! Have a rest now! Stop!"

And the young storyteller stopped his story, got many presents from the chief, climbed up on a camel, and rode away with these words: "And he ate, and he ate, and he ate,..."


Tuesday, March 29, 2011

The Philosophy of Charles Schulz***


*** Interesting (as most legends go...), that this was not written by Charles Schulz, just this part, "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." (Charles Schultz), is by him...***

The Philosophy Of Charles Schultz - Click here

Click above

Use your Back button to return to 'OZ'

BANK ROBBERY


Gay Banter

I don't know if it's true or not but it's good for a laugh! This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2,1999:

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING


"Scuse me while I kiss this guy"....


Madonna and ex-Goodie and TV bird expert Bill Oddie Madonna and ex-Goodie and TV bird expert Bill Oddie may be an strange partnership but they are united by song.

Some people in a survey thought a line in her song Erotica ("Erotic, erotic, put your hands all over my body") was "Bill Oddie, Bill Oddie, put your hands all over my body".

Jimi Hendrix's "kiss the sky" in Purple Haze becomes "kiss this guy".

You have responded magnificently to our request for your own favourites - and most have produced plenty of amusement in the Sky News office.

Here are your best oops:

Instead of the line "I want to sex you up" in the Colour Me Bad song, an old school friend of mine used to sing "I'm homosexual". Also once heard somebody sing Cool & The Gang's Celebration but changed "What's your pleasure" to "What's the weather". Also finally a close friend if mine used to change R Kelly's "You've got that vibe" to "You've got those thighs"
--Louise, Berks

When Meatloaf sang "I'm gonna hit the highway like a battering ram, on a silver black phantom bike", I thought he was singing "I'm gonna hit the highway like a battering ram, I'm a Cilla Black fan on a bike".
--Nick Pettigrew, Macclesfield

I thought that Simon and Garfunkel's The Boxer had the lyric "Asking only workman's wages I come looking for a job, but I get no offers, just a come-on from the horse on Seventh Avenue."
--Geoff, Lincoln

I thought Macy Gray's song 'I Try' says "I wore goggles when you are not near" when really its "my world crumbles when you are not near".
--Gila Rabinowitz, Jerusalem

"My world crumbles when you are not here" becomes "I wore bubbles when you are not here"
--Maria, Dublin - mailed at exactly the same time as the previous one!

The great Police track Message In A Bottle contains the lyric "the years have passed since I wrote my note" which seems to be sung as "the years have passed since I broke my nose"
--Phil, London

My mum used to genuinely think that Come On Eileen by the excellent Dexi's Midnight Runners was Come On Ali after the great boxer. I still sing it that way.
--Andrew, Swansea

For years my sister Trisha sang "the lift goes up" instead of the correct words "love lifts up" from the theme tune to An Officer And A Gentleman.
--Marie, Slough

My wife thought that Hey Mr Tambourine Man by The Byrds was Hamish The Tambourine Man.
--Michael Peel, Blyth

Marc Almond - Say Hello, Wave Goodbye (also covered by David Gray) the line "You're used to wearing less" my friend always thought it was "You used to wear Ellesse" (as in the trainers)
--Sonia, Cork

Musical Note I once worked with a girl in Wicklow who honestly thought that the lyrics to a certain tune were: At the Coca, Coca Banana. She used to go around the office singing it (which is pretty bad regardless of what lyrics you use). She actually tried to convince me there was no such thing as a 'Copacabana' and that I was making up my lyrics!
--Brian, Dublin

Howard Jones sung "I don't want to be hip and cool" (I think) in his 1984 hit What Is Love?. I thought he was saying, "I don't want to be Hit Van Doon". I was never sure who Hit Van Doon was but he sounded pretty cool to me.
--George, London

I always thought that Abba were singing "When the bus had to go" instead of "One of us had to go".
--Kaye Freestone, Preston

I also recently thought Christina Aguilera was incredibly vulgar, when I misheard a line from her Genie In A Bottle as "come on baby lick me out". A friend told me a while later that it was actually "come on baby let me out".
--Harriet, London

I have a friend who thought that 'strike a pose' in Madonna's Vogue was 'strike the post'. She knows all the words to the rap bit in the middle, though.
--Laura Wood, Essex

My girlfriend sang "I wanna be your dog" instead of "I wanna be adored" by the Stone Roses. She sang it wrong for about 10 years.
--Phil Hancocks, Croydon

I thought for years that Adam Ant Stand And Deliver was "stand in your dinner". God knows how I worked that one out.
--Thomas Castle, Dunfermline

I wondered why Robbie Williams was singing about waiting for a dozen angels until my wife told me the lyrics were "I sit and wait, does an angel."
--Graham Meadows, Lowestoft

You have missed two of the best. Both are by the Police: "Massage in a brothel" and "Sue Lawley".
--Steve, Basingstoke - and many others with the second.

An ex-girlfriend used to think that the chorus to Ultavox's classic Vienna was "old piano".
--Terry, Oxford

My best friend at school thought Madonna's 'Papa don't preach' was 'Puppet on a bridge'
--Cat, Earlsfield

I always thought the first line of Desmond Dekker's Israelites was "Wake up in the morning, baked beans for breakfast"
--Louise, Chelmsford

I used to think the 60s soul record take Me To The River said "Take me to the river and watch me drown" rather than "wash me down".
--Graeme, Alva

I always thought that the 80s hit 'King Of Rock 'N' Roll' by Prefab Sprout, went 'Hot dog, jumping frog, 'Alpen Cookie' rather than 'Albuquerque'.
--Bethan, London

A few weeks ago Bohemian Rhapsody came on in our local pub and my friend was singing along to it. However her lyrics to "beelzebub has a devil put aside for me" became Musical Note "beelzebub has a devil on the sideboard". On another occasion I caught my husband singing "oh we are sailing" instead of the traditional "all we are saying" to the song Give Peace a Chance.
--HG, Doncaster

My aunt sang "I've got a rickshaw and i want to paint it black" ("I've got a red door and I want to paint it black") Rolling Stones
--Darren Lovatt, Sweden

My girlfriend Lisa sang: "Guns don't kill people rabbits do" by Goldie Lookin Chain. Obviously it was "rappers". At first I thought she knew and was joking but into the second week I had to say something and she wasn't.
--Dave, Pontefract

The White Stripes' "I think I smell a rat". The first time I heard it I thought he was singing 'I think I smell alright'
--Lindsay Cockcroft

Oasis' Champagne Super Nova: I used to sing "Champagne to Pinochio" I really can't figure out now how I ever heard those words in it. But I sang it for ages before a friend told me the real lyrics.
--Kerry Byrne, Wicklow

My work colleague yesterday was singing M People's One Night In Heaven - "one night, one night, ooohhooo one night in Devon".
--Anna, Lincoln

In Michael Jackson's Smooth Criminal, I always thought he was singing "Eddie are you ok?" instead of "Annie are you ok". I still sing my lyrics when I hear the song which drives my boyfriend mad.
--Debbie, London

Desmond Dekker's Israelites becomes "me ears are alight".
--Lindy, Suffolk

Abba's One Of Us. There is a line in there somewhere stating: 'one of us had to go' I have heard people singing along to the song turning that into: 'when the bus had to go'
--Paul Goes, Luxembourg

I have two friends who used to sing Bob Marley's No Woman, No Cry but they thought the chorus was "No Woman, No Pride".
--Damian, Kildare

UB40's "I am a one in ten was interpreted by my brother as " I have a one inch head" Love it!
--Nic Graham, London

At school I had a friend who thought the line 'Guilty, guilty as a girl can be' from the Bananarama song 'Love In The First Degree' was 'Guilty, guilty as a dunken flea'.
--Sam, Leeds

How Deep Is Your Love by the Bee Gees: "and you come to me on a submarine" - is supposed to be "and you come to me on a summer breeze" - I have always thought those were the words.
--Shelley Cross, London

In Bonnie Tyler's It's A Heartache, my wife always sings "she's got 400 children and a crop in the field" instead of "she's got four hungry children."
--Steve Baldock, West Sussex

Steve has his own problems if he thinks Bonnie Tyler included those lyrics in It's A Heartache. They are actually from Kenny Rogers' song Lucille.
--Christy Murphy, Dublin

Ataris - The Boys Of Summer: "Your brown skin shinin' in the sun" actually sounds like "Your bra strap is shinin' in the sun"
--Andy H, Warrington

In the theme tune for Ghostbusters, when they sing "Ghostbusters" it sounds like "those b******s"
--Lee B, Herts

In Shanice "I Love Your Smile" the line "Sitting in my class, just drifting away" always goes into my head as "Sitting in my class, just stripped to the waist". It certainly makes an innocent song seem rather saucy!
--Gina-Luisa Hilborne, Woolacombe, Devon

Musical Note A friend of mine, when she was in Primary School, used to sing "if you're happy and you know it clap your hands, if you're happy and you know it clap your hands, if you're happy and you know it, Tangerines want to know it. We still laugh about it now.
--Louise Knott, Cardiff

I once heard a guy ask for a copy of Liver Pate by Bad Manners in my local record shop - he meant Lip Up Fatty. The poor bloke nearly died of embarrassment when his mistake was pointed out, much to everybody's amusement.
--Dominic, Clevedon

Angie by the Rolling Stones became - wait for it - Andy
--Ian Wilson, Spain

Losing my religion - REM. Always wondered what the correct lyrics are but it sounds like they are singing "Calling Cheryl Baker, calling Cheryl Baker".
--Nanda Braithwaite, Farnborough

Nanda - that REM song was The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight (actual lyric No Need To Wake Her Up). Madonna's La Isla Bonita - "young girl with eyes like potatoes" instead of "like the desert".
--Geoff Banks, Warrington

Geoff and Nanda, according to the printed lyrics for the Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight, it's Call Me When You Try To Wake Her UP
--Clare, Dublin

My brother-in-law used to sing "home, home on the range, where the deer and the cantalope roam". And I'm sure John Denver's fella never "talked to the fish in the trees" - my husband only recently put me straight on that one.
--Anna, Birmingham


*SKYNEWS.com

WindowsXPee


WindowsXPee

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Don't give up too early! Explore the icons, programs, and more!

Monday, March 28, 2011

Martha vs. Maxine

Martha and Maxine

Martha's Way - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Maxine's Way - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

Martha's Way - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Maxine's Way - Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's Way - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Maxine's Way - Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's Way - If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Maxine's Way - If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"

Martha's Way - Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Maxine's Way - Celery? Never heard of it!

Martha's Way - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Maxine's Way - The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.

Martha's Way - Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Maxine's Way - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

Martha's Way - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Maxine's Way - Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

Martha's Way - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Maxine's Way - Leftover wine???? HELL-LLOOO!!!,/p>

These are Beautiful!


BE CALM
BE CALM
OR HAVE A BLOOM
HAVE A BLOOM
HANG OUT WITH THE FAMILY
HANG OUT WITH THE FAMILY
OR SIMPLY WALK TOGETHER
SIMPLY WALK TOGETHER
WATCH THE WAVES
WATCH THE WAVES
OR WATCH THE MOON RISE
WATCH THE MOON RISE
BE IN ACTION
BE IN ACTION
OR STAY IDLE
STAY IDLE
Do what pleases you and have a great day.

Quotable Quotes


animated quotation mark My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
~Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness ... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires........but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
~Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was'shut up'.
~Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
~Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation ... As you grow older, it will avoid you. ~Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.....everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~Phyllis Diller

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.
~Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~Billy Crystal

animated quotation mark


Tear that ear up !!!!! Whose your spidey?


Tear that ear up !!!!! Whose your spidey?

Saturday, March 26, 2011

From The Emerald City

The Emerald City



The Wizard is going to confer, converse, and otherwise hob-nob with my brother wizards...

Posting will resume Monday ...Keep checking daily .. if there are no new posts that day, check the archives. I bet there is a lot that you haven't read yet....

Yours,

--The Wizard


Puppy Linux, one month later


Well, here I am 3 weeks using Puppy Linux on my 10 year old Gateway laptop. Its a 600MHz, 392MB RAM, 10 GB Hard drive. I have bee enjoying my free open source puppy! Bekow are a couple of screenshots for you. Click on the images for a larger size:

My Puppy Linux JWM desktop
My Puppy Linux JWM desktop
Ain't it a beautiful thing?


It's Grillin' Time In Georgia


Grilling tip

As every Southerner knows, come spring it will be time to get ready for that all-important cooking technique of the south --- outdoor grilling!

I have just found out there are many stores (not just in the South) where you can get a FREE Bar-B-Q grill! In tough times free useful items are very welcome. You can get a free BBQ grill from any of the following stores:

A&P
Albertsons
Costco
Dan's
Food Lion
Fry's
Home Depot
Big Lots
Brookshire's
Lowes
Publix
Safeway
Sam's Club
Tesco
Target
Vons
Trader Joe's
Wal-Mart
Winn-Dixie


Grillin' machine
I especially like the higher rack -- which can be used for keeping things warm!
Just make sure to get a metal one... the plastic ones don't do so well.
Ya'll enjoy now

EARTH HOUR 60 -- TODAY!


Earth Hour 60



WWF's Earth Hour 60

How to Tell If a Person Is a Witch


Bedevere: Why do you think that she is a witch?
Peasant: Well, she turned me into a newt.
[Bedevere gives him a disbelieving look]
Bedevere: A newt?
[Silence]
Peasant: Well, I got better.


Wiccan Pentacle

By David Boston, eHow Editor

Most witches that we will come into contact with these days are Wiccans, people who practice Wicca. Wicca is a religion just like the more common religions that we may be aware of. Trying to tell if someone is a witch or not is a lot like trying to tell if a person is a Christian, Muslim, Hindu or Jew. Depending on how you go about it, determining someone else's religious affiliation can be either very hard or very easy.

Instructions
If You Are on Speaking Terms With the Person

Step 1 Ask outright. If you are too embarrassed to ask her, then you can talk to her casually about some of the following beliefs commonly held by witches and see if she matches the description. Be aware that even if this person isn't a witch, she may think that you are after two or three of these questions.

Step 2 Ask the person if he believes in magic. People who are not witches may very well believe in magic also, and this may seem like a stereotypical witch characteristic, but many witches believe that elements can be manipulated through rituals.

Step 3 Ask the person about her views on justice. If she believes that harm should be brought to those who have harmed others, then she is less likely to be a witch. The Wiccan Rede, in regard to morality, basically states that witches are free to do what they will as long as it doesn't harm anyone.

Step 4 Ask if the person ever feels a tie to nature or the outdoors. If he says that he does feel a connection to nature and the elements, then this is a characteristic that fits well with Wiccan beliefs.

Step 5 Ask if the person believes that religious freedom is important. If the person says yes, then this fits very well with Wiccan beliefs. Not only were witches oppressed for years because of religious intolerance, but many witches tend to believe that religious freedom is so important that they don't even raise their children with Wiccan beliefs, preferring that they come to a conclusion themselves about which religion they would like to follow.

If You Are Not on Speaking Terms With the Person
Step 1 Look for things that witches generally do or say. However, this is by far the most unreliable way to tell, and just because someone shares one or all of these characteristics does not mean that they are a witch.

Step 2 Look to see if the person wears a pentacle around their neck. Much like the crucifix worn by Christians or the Star of David worn by Jews, the pentacle is a common symbol worn by witches. However, much like how people wearing a crucifix can sometimes shoot people, judging someone by their pentacle alone can be deceiving.

Step 3 Listen for the person saying "Blessed Be" as a greeting or farewell to close friends or relatives. This is a common expression of goodwill among witches.

Step 4 Keep an eye open to see if the person is overly enthusiastic about celebrating on Groundhog's Day (not for Groundhog's Day). In fact, that goes the same for any overly enthusiastic celebrating on the beginnings of all of the other seasons, the summer and winter solstices, and the autumn and spring equinoxes as well.

Step 5 Look for a copy of the "Book of Shadows" either with the person, or if you somehow get a chance to walk into the house of this person (party, book club, house meeting), in their book collection.

*eHow.com

Bare-Foot Running Shoes

Bare-Foot Running Shoes
Question: What’s the single best designed piece of running equipment?

Answer: It’s a pair of gear you already own—your bare feet.
Most running shoes, it turns out, do more harm than good. The problem is that these shoes are designed to “protect” your feet in a way that they weren’t meant to be. When encased in an excessively built-up running shoe the muscles, tendons and ligaments of your lower extremities will atrophy. That’s because your shoes are doing the work that your legs and feet should be doing.

The other problem with running shoes is that they encourage you to run with the wrong form. Your body is designed to run on the ball and forefront of your feet. Try going for a run barefoot and you’ll experience this yourself—your heels will barely touch the ground. In contrast, most running shoes will cause you to land on your heels in a way that won’t only slow you down but will inevitably lead to knee and back pain.
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Friday, March 25, 2011

My Dear Sirs;


My Dear Sirs;

In reply to your request to send a check, I wish to inform you that the present condition of my bank account makes it almost impossible. My shattered financial condition is due to federal laws, state laws, county laws, city laws, corporation laws, liquor laws, mother-in-laws, brother-in-laws, sister-in-laws, outlaws, and blue laws.

Through these laws I am compelled to pay a business tax, amusement tax, head tax, school tax, gas tax, light tax, sales tax, liquor tax, carpet tax, income tax, food tax, furniture tax, and excise tax, even my brains are taxed.

I am required to get a business license, car license, hunting and fishing license, truck license, not to mention a marriage license, and a dog license.

I am also required to contribute to every society and organization which the genius of man is capable to bringing to life. To the women’s relief, unemployed relief, and gold diggers relief; also to every hospital and charitable institution in the city including the black cross, the blue cross, the purple cross, and the double cross.

For my own safety I am required to carry a life insurance, property insurance, liability insurance, burglar insurance, accident insurance, business insurance, earthquake insurance, tornado insurance, unemployment insurance, old age and fire insurance.

My business is so governed that it is no easy matter for me to find out who owns it. I am inspected, suspected, disrespected, rejected, dejected, examined, informed, required, summoned, commanded, and compelled, until I’ve provided an in-exhaustible supply of money for every known need of the human race.

Simply because I refuse to donate to something-or other I am boycotted, talked about, lied about, held up, held down, and robbed until I am almost ruined. I can tell you honestly that except for the miracle that happened I could not enclose this check. The wolf that comes to many doors these days just had pups in my kitchen. I sold them and … here is your money!


Household Hints


Star! Take your bananas apart when you get home from the store. If you leave them connected at the stem, they ripen faster.
Store your opened chunks of cheese in aluminum foil. It will stay fresh much longer and not mold!
Star! Peppers with 3 bumps on the bottom are sweeter and better for eating.
Peppers with 4 bumps on the bottom are firmer and better for cooking.
Star! Add a teaspoon of water when frying ground beef. It will help pull the grease away from the meat while cooking.
Star! To really make scrambled eggs or omelets rich add a couple of spoonfuls of sour cream, cream cheese, or heavy cream; then beat them. ?
Star! Add garlic immediately to a recipe if you want a light taste of garlic and at the end of the recipe if your want a stronger taste of garlic.
Star! Reheat Pizza
Heat leftover pizza in a nonstick skillet on top of the stove; set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza. I saw this on the food channel and it really works.
Star! Easy Deviled Eggs
Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal; mash till they are all broken up Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy; squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done – easy clean up.
Star! Reheating refrigerated bread
To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave next to a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster.
Star! Newspaper weeds away
Start putting torn newspaper in your plants, work the nutrients in your soil. Wet newspapers, put layers around the plants, overlapping as you go; cover with mulch and forget about weeds. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic; they will not get through wet newspapers.
Star! Broken Glass
Use a wet cotton ball or Q-tip to pick up the small shards of glass you can’t see easily.
Star! Flexible vacuum
To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings.
Star! Reducing Static Cling
Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and … ta da! … static is gone.
Star! Measuring Cups
Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill with hot water.
Dump out the hot water, but don’t dry cup. Next, add your ingredient (peanut butter, honey, etc.) and watch how easily it comes right out. ?
Star! Foggy Windshield?
Hate foggy windshields? Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car When the windows fog, rub with the eraser! Works better than a cloth! ?
Star! Reopening envelope
If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two. Viola! It unseals easily.
Star! Conditioner
Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It’s cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It’s also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn’t like when you tried it in your hair.
Star! Goodbye Fruit Flies
To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass, fill it 1/2 with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dish washing liquid; mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever!
Star! Get Rid of Ants
Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, take it ‘home,’ can’t digest it so it kills them. It may take a week or so, especially if it rains, but it works and you don’t have the worry about pets or small children being harmed!
Star! INFO ABOUT CLOTHES DRYERS
The heating unit went out on my dryer! The gentleman that fixes things around the house for us told us that he wanted to show us something and he went over to the dryer and pulled out the lint filter. It was clean. (I always clean the lint from the filter after every load of clothes.) He took the filter over to the sink and ran hot water over it. The lint filter is made of a mesh material . I’m sure you know what your dryer’s lint filter looks like. Well …. the hot water just sat on top of the mesh! It didn’t go through it at all! He told us that dryer sheets cause a film over that mesh – that’s what burns out the heating unit.
You can’t SEE the film, but it’s there. It’s what is in the dryer sheets to make your clothes soft and static free. You know how they can feel waxy when you take them out of the box … well this stuff builds up on your clothes and on your lint screen. This is also what causes dryer units to potentially burn your house down with it! He said the best way to keep your dryer working for a very long time (and to keep your electric bill lower) is to take that filter out and wash it with hot soapy water and an old toothbrush at least every six months.
He said that increases the life of the dryer at least twice as long! How about that!?!
Learn something new everyday! I certainly didn’t know dryer sheets would do that. So, I thought I’d share!
Note: I went to my dryer and tested my screen by running water on it. The water ran through a little bit but mostly collected all the water in the mesh screen. I washed it with warm soapy water and a nylon brush and I had it done in 30 seconds. Then when I rinsed it … the water ran right thru the screen! There wasn’t any puddling at all! That repairman knew what he was talking about!


Relaxing and addictive art display


Silk was created by Yuri Vishnevsky as an experiment in generative art. He is currently working on his degree in Computer Science and Linguistics.

For fun, he dabbles in mathematics, art, and piano.

The wonderful Silk wallpapers were designed by the inimitable Anand Sharma.

http://weavesilk.com/


*Thanks, Ernie

Baby Emerson


Thursday, March 24, 2011

HYUK!


3 old men
Three old pilots are walking on the ramp. First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?”

Second says, “No, its Thursday!”

Third one says, “So am I. Lest go get a beer.”


HYUK!


It's a story about the love of....Snow...


*December 8 6:00 PM*

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!



*December 9*

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!

Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.

This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!



*December 12*

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.



*December 14*

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.



*December 15*

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.



*December 16*

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell.. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.



*December 17*

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.



*December 20*

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.

Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.



*December 22*

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying..



*December 23*

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!!

Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.



*December 24*

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.



*December 25*

Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in.

The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow!

Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch 'It's A Wonderful Life' one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.





*December 26*

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.

She's really getting on my nerves.



*December 27*

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.



*December 28*

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!



*December 29*

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?



*December 30*

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother.

Nine more inches predicted.



*December 31*

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.



*January 8*

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

*Thanks, Ernie

The Cat


We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.

So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out!

She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs a threw her out into the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening.


*Thanks, Ernie

R.I.P. Liz


Liz Taylor

Elizabeth Rosemond "Liz" Taylor,
(February 27, 1932 – March 23, 2011)

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

A horse's tail


Pony Express
A Horse's Tail...

Does the statement, "Because we've always done it that way..." ring any bells...?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse's ass came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story...

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important.

Horse's ass