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Sunday, December 31, 2006

I went to a party


I went to a party,

And remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom
So I had a sprite instead.



I felt proud of myself,
The way you said I would,
That I didn't drink and drive,
Though some friends said I should.



I made a healthy choice,
And your advice to me was right,
The party finally ended,
And the kids drove out of sight.



I got into my car,
Sure to get home in one piece,
I never knew what was coming,
Mom Something I expected least.



Now I'm lying on the pavement,
And I hear the policeman say,
The kid that caused this wreck was drunk,
Mom, his voice seems far away.



My own blood's all around me,
As I try hard not to cry.
I can hear the paramedic say,
This girl is going to die.



I'm sure the guy had no idea,
While he was flying high,
Because he chose to drink and drive,
Now I would have to die.



So why do people do it, Mom
Knowing that it ruins lives?
And now the pain is cutting me,
Like a hundred stabbing knives.



Tell sister not to be afraid, Mom
Tell daddy to be brave,
And when I go to heaven,
Put "Mommy 's Girl" on my grave.


Someone should have taught him,
That it's wrong to drink and drive.
Maybe if his parents had, I'd still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter, Mom



I'm getting really scared.
These are my final moments,
And I'm so unprepared.



I wish that you could hold me Mom,
As I lie here and die.
I wish that I could say, "I love you, Mom!"



So I love you and good-bye.



Click here to go to the MADD Homepage

Click above



LIVE!

Choices Choices Choices

Young people have so many choices facing them.

Stay at home or move out, what career to choose, a serious relationship or a casual one and the list goes on. But one of the most serious choices they frequently make is whether or not to drink and then drive.

SGI - Take Care Out ThereSGI’s newest advertising campaign - being launched this holiday weekend - will focus on making the choice to live! With an original soundtrack, composed by former Watchmen lead singer Danny Greaves, we hope to capture the attention of young men aged 19 to 24.

Quicktime Ad
Windows Media Ad


Have a Safe and Happy New Year!
Have a Safe and Happy New Year!

The Wizard's Top 5 Predictions For 2007

The Wizard 1. A famous star (Rhymes with Porge Looney), loved by women the world over will finally come out of the closet and declare himself to be gay. This might be forced due to him performing a lewd act in public. (Ok, So Wish-Full Thinking!)

2. Leonardo D'Caprio will be kidnapped by Michael Jackson and forced to recreate his role as Luke Brower on Growing Pains.

3. France will annoy much of the rest of the world and due to being ignored and political sanctions, is forced to sell the Eiffel Tower to Las Vegas.

4. The cellular phone experiences a breakthrough in development, allowing the user to implant it in their ass.. something we have all wanted to do to those who use it in annoying situations.

5. The War in Iraq will be over when George W goes over as a suicide bomber as recommended by the Republican National Committee, and succeeds with no other casualties.

The Wizard's Picks For Top 5 Weird News Stories For 2006


Reward Offerred For Return Of LingLing's Head

1) World's Tallest Man Saves Dolphins
2) Man Kills Deer with Seven "Legs"
3) Dead Cows Placed in Trees to Ward Off Crows
4) 200 Clowns Parade to Honor Virgin of Guadalupe
5) Man Pulls 7-foot Python from Toilet


The Guy's Guide To Underwear


Which ones does The Wizard wear? The World may never know.... or care!

Click here for larger picture

Click Above For Larger Picture. If you use Internet Explorer then you will have to click on the new image and zoom in

Navy Carrier Squadron "Pump It"


Saturday, December 30, 2006

The Love Doctor

The Love DoctorDear Love Doctor,

Help! My boyfriend has suddenly decided that he wants to change sex. I like men. I won’t be attracted to him. He has already begun to wear women's clothes and I don't know what to make of it all.

How do I manage this one. He says that he’s thought about it carefully and knows that he can rely on me to support him – but he can’t. I'm just not into women.

Signed,

In2Men

Dear In2,

If he says he’s thought about it carefully then you have to take his word for this. You need to be truthful though and tell him that this will cause problems both for you personally and the two of you as a couple.

There are all sorts of reasons why people consider gender-reassignment, almost all of them valid.

If your boyfriend were born a woman in a male body then you need to support his understanding of this even if you can't continue a romantic affair.

The bond you have as two people is surely stronger than the sexual bond alone. If it isn't your relationship was doomed anyway.

If he has not already started a counseling program encourage him to do so. There are a great many excellent therapists who are gay positive and a number who have had extensive experience in working with the transgendered.

It may well help the two of you to go along together.

And, remember even if you lose a lover, you need not lose a friend.

The Love Doctor

TRUE or FALSE?


True or False?


A cockroach can withstand ten times more radiation than a human being.





FALSE! It can stand 80 times more! According to an experiment performed by the Virginia Polytechnic Institute, it took 67,500 rems to kill an American cockroach—(90,000-105,000 to kill German cockroaches)—while the lethal human dose of radiation is 800 rems.

American Cockroach

More Pate Please!

Saddam Hussein Executed


Saddam Hussein (CBS/AP) Former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein was executed by hanging after three years in U.S. custody, CBS News has confirmed. He died before dawn Saturday in Iraq, which was just before 10 p.m. Friday EST.

Saddam was convicted of murder in the killings of 148 Shiite Muslims from an Iraqi town where assassins tried to kill Saddam in 1982.

In Baghdad's Shiite enclave of Sadr City, people danced in the streets while others fired guns in the air to celebrate the former dictator's death. The government did not impose a round-the-clock curfew as it did last month when Saddam was convicted to thwart any surge in retaliatory violence.

It was a grim end for the 69-year-old leader who had vexed three U.S. presidents. Despite his ouster, Washington, its allies and the new Iraqi leaders remain mired in a fight to quell a stubborn insurgency by Saddam loyalists and a vicious sectarian conflict.

CBS News correspondent Randall Pinskton confirmed Saddam's death from his defense attorney. It had been reported by Arab television stations in Iraq.

On his last night alive, Saddam sat alone on death row with his Koran, the Muslim holy book, Pinkston reports. As his time waned, Saddam received two of his half brothers in his cell and was said to have given them his personal belongings and a copy of his will.

The Pentagon said that U.S. fighting forces in Iraq are ready for any escalation of violence there.

"U.S. forces in Iraq are obviously at a high state of alert anytime because of the environment that they operate in and because of the current security situation," said spokesman Bryan Whitman.

A statement from President Bush issued by the White House Friday night acknowledged Saddam's execution, calling it "the kind of justice he denied the victims of his brutal regime."

"Bringing Saddam Hussein to justice will not end the violence in Iraq, but it is anSaddam Hussein important milestone on Iraq's course to becoming a democracy that can govern, sustain, and defend itself, and be an ally in the War on Terror," the statement said.

CBS News national security correspondent David Martin reports that until being turned over to Iraqi control, Saddam remained in a jail cell in U.S. custody. The U.S. military had been prepared since early Friday morning to hand over Saddam to the Iraqi government, which wanted to execute the deposed dictator as soon as possible.

--more--


*CBS News.com

I Dare Ya!


Don't Click On This!

Click Above.

Joke of the Day


Joke of the Day - Click here

Click Above.

Disney Trivia


Goofy

What character did Disney add to "Alice in Wonderland" that wasn't in Lewis Carroll's original novel?







Goofy Disney added a character to "Alice in Wonderland" that wasn't in Lewis Carroll's original novel -- the Door Knob.



DoorKnob from Alice in Wonderland

A Prairie Tale


Truck Got Stuck

The Chev got stuck and the Ford got stuck
got the Chev unstuck when the Dodge showed up
But the Dodge got stuck in the tractor rut,
Which eventually pulled out the Ford
With some difficulty

Stuck Truck
Well more rain than we'd seen for a thousand years
Caused financial joys and biblical fears
It caused some smiles it caused some tears
But more to the point of our story
For The first time in the collective memory,
That old brown prairie that had been so dry for so long was very muddy
Boggy and sticky
We'd pull one truck out and get another stuck in
And motors would roar and tires would spin
We'd sink right down, down to the diff,
and we'd all take turns and do it again
Till no one could move, we'd call one more friend,
Come on out here, we need you, bring your truck

Stuck Truck
The Chev got stuck and the Ford got stuck
got the Chev unstuck when the Dodge showed up
But the Dodge got stuck in the tractor rut
Which eventually pulled out the Ford
And the Dodge

They got me stuck in the mud, so they couldn't rehearse
And Chavase too has missed his work
Richie, he now fears the worst, he stood up his ex wife she called him a jerk
Course Holman didn't have nothing better do to, 'cept ranch.

The Chev got stuck and the Ford got stuck
got the Chev unstuck when the Dodge showed up
But the Dodge got stuck in the tractor rut
Which eventually pulled out the Ford

Well it was truck after truck, we all got stuck
'cept the big old four by hutterite truck
We all thought 'lord are we in luck!
But he wouldn't come anywhere near us,
Mighty neighborly, mighty neighborly.

Stuck Truck
So we used a lot of our backs, a little of our brains
We jacked up the jacks, and snugged up the chains,
We all did our very best to refrain from shovelin.
We put what timber we had, underneath the wheels
And we was all out of sand, but managed to steal
Two sacks of the best modern canola seed you ever did see,
That 'oughta give us some traction

The Chev got stuck and the Ford got stuck
got the Chev unstuck when the Dodge showed up
But the Dodge got stuck in the tractor rut
Which eventually pulled out the Ford

We spilled genetically modified canola seed
That was genetically modified for controlling the weeds
And for big old yields and margarine oil, raised hell all over
that native prairie soil
Agriculture Canada is definitely gonna be looking for us

Performed by Corb Lund

20 ways to keep Windows XP fresh


XP vs. Vista

Vista may be on the way, but XP hasn't outlived its usefulness. These tips will help you keep the older operating system vibrant.

Microsoft's new Windows Vista operating system is almost here, but do you really need it? If you don't yet feel the need to invest in a new OS, or if your hardware doesn't meet Vista standards, you'll find that a regular maintenance regimen--along with an occasional check up--will keep XP rolling along for years to come. In fact, a few simple tweaks can tip the scales in favour of keeping XP around while early-adoption pioneers work the bugs out of Vista. (For more on Vista, check out The Ultimate Vista FAQ.)

These 20 tips will keep your XP system lean and mean by tuning its performance, minimizing some of its bells and whistles and tweaking the six-year-old OS to bring it up to speed with more recent applications, such as media playback and wireless networking.

GO!

PC World Canada


*Thanks, Ken!

Friday, December 29, 2006

Grandma's Hands


Grandma's Hands

Grandma is some Seventy Seven plus years, sat feebly on the patio bench. She didn't move, just sat with her head down staring at her hands. When I sat down beside her she didn't acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat I wondered if she was ok.

Finally, not really wanting to disturb her but wanting to check on her at the same time, I asked her if she was ok.

She raised her head and looked at me and smiled. Yes, I'm fine, thank you for asking, she said in a clear strong voice.

I didn't mean to disturb you, grandma, but you were just sitting here staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were ok.

Have you ever looked at your hands, she asked. I mean really looked at your hands?
I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them over, palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never really looked at my hands, as I tried to figure out the point she was making.

Grandma smiled and related this story:

Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have served you well throughout your years. These hands, though wrinkled, shriveled and weak have been the tools I have used all my life to reach out and grab and embrace life. They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor. They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back. As a child my mother taught me to fold them in prayer. They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots.

They dried the tears of my children and caressed the love of my life. They held my young husband and wiped my tears when he went off to war.

They have been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent. They were firm yet gentle when I held my newborn son. Decorated with my wedding band, they showed the world that I was married and loved someone special. They replied to the letters written home and trembled and shook when I buried my parents and spouse and watched as my daughter walked down the aisle.

Yet, they were strong and sure when I grabbed my child and jerked her away from danger when a car was going too fast, and they clasped my children lovingly for stitches, broken bones, and measles. They have held children, consoled neighbors, and shook in anger when I didn't understand. They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the rest of my body, and those of my family. From the day a new baby was born, to the day I washed my first love's body and prepared him for his final viewing.

They have been sticky, wet, bent, broken, dried, and raw.

To this day when not much of anything else of me works real well, these hands hold me up, lay me down, and continue to fold in prayer. These hands are the mark of where I've been and the richness of my life.

But more importantly it will be these hands that God will reach out and take when He leads me home. And with my hands He will lift me to His side and there I will use these hands to touch the face of Christ - God Bless Grandma.

*Thanks, Andy

Face-A-Day


Face-A-Day

How to identify a Canadian Driver!


Winter!1. - One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL

2. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO

3. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA

4. - Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: SASKATOON, but driving in TORONTO

5. - Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY

6. - One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER

7. - One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: RED DEER

8. - Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: PRINCE GEORGE

9. - Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield driving 40 km/hr on Hwy 1 in the left lane with the left blinker on: VICTORIA

10. - One ski-doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski-doo mitt scrapper in hand out front window scrapping frost, Guess Who on 8 track playing Share The Land, hockey equipment smelling up car interior, waiting at lights for snow removal equipment to finish clearing intersection: WINNIPEG!


*Thanks Allen

Now we have it from the Pope himself - 22 Dec 2006


Pope BennyROME (Reuters) - Pope Benedict spoke out on Friday against legal recognition for unmarried couples and "dismal theories" on the rights of gays to marry which he said stripped men and women of their innate sexual identity.

"I cannot hide my concern about legislation on de facto couples," the Pope said in a Christmas address to the Rome clergy, weighing into a raging debate in Italy over what legal rights should be given to unmarried and gay couples.

Tensions have been rising in recent months between the Vatican and left-wing parties in Prime Minister Romano Prodi's ruling coalition, which has pledged to grant some kind of legal recognition to unmarried couples.

Some centre-left politicians have scorned the Vatican for speaking out against the initiative, but the Pope said the Church had the right to be heard.

"If they say the Church shouldn't interfere in these matters, then we can only reply: should mankind perhaps not interest us?" he said.

The Pope said granting legal recognition to unwed couples was a threat to traditional marriage, which required a higher level of commitment.

But he saved his strongest words for those who suggest gay couples should be put on the same level as a husband and wife.

"This tacitly accredits those dismal theories that strip all relevance from the masculinity and femininity of the human being as though it were a purely biological issue," the Pope said.

Theories "according to which man should be able to decide autonomously what he is and what he isn't," end up with mankind destroying its own identity, he said.

Two parliamentarians in the ruling coalition this week outraged fellow lawmakers by placing four dolls representing homosexual couples near the baby Jesus in the official nativity scene in Italy's parliament.

They said their gesture was to promote legal recognition for unmarried couples and the legalization of gay marriage.


*Thanks, Chort

Holiday Goodies Pack On The Pounds


(Miami, Florida) (Associated Press) Oh, those holiday pitfalls: a martini and a handful of Chex mix at the office party, Grandma's fruitcake, the plate of gingerbread cookies from your neighbor. Eating all those goodies will definitely cost you.

To burn off the calories in one gingerbread cookie, you will have to swim 18 minutes. The martini and party mix will take 47 minutes on the bike.

And the fruitcake? Take an 84-minute walk.

And now the stuffing...Those are the calculations in a new book that lists the calorie content of 7,500 foods and tells you just how long it will take to work it off.

"Most of us have no idea what a calorie is worth," said Charles Stuart Platkin, author of "The Diet Detective's Count Down" and other books.

Platkin, a Miami-based public health advocate, spent nearly a year compiling the list, which includes fast-food dishes, popular restaurant menu fare and most grocery items. The exercise calculations are for a 155-pound person; add time if you're lighter, subtract time if you're heavier.

Some of the numbers are downright depressing.

A half-pound of prime rib will cost you 230 minutes of yoga. A Starbucks Caramel Macchiato is 38 minutes on the bike - add 81 minutes if you grab a piece of coffee cake. You'll have to walk 173 minutes to burn off a Whopper from Burger King.

Platkin, 44, said it is like money: Once diners know a food's caloric value, they can weigh in their mind whether it is "splurge worthy."

Some of the biggest food rip-offs include crackers, at 12 to 20 calories apiece, and premium ice creams, Platkin said. It will take 72 minutes to walk off a half-cup of Ben and Jerry's Butter Pecan, versus 31 minutes for Edy's Slow Churned Light version of the same flavor. Predictably, fruits and veggies provided the best bargains.

The holidays are one of the trickiest seasons for dieters. Research shows people tend to gain just under a pound during the holidays. It only takes an extra hundred calories a day (five Ritz crackers) over the holiday season to gain a pound. And they don't typically lose it by spring.

"People tend to relax their guard and let themselves go during the holidays. And there's also more food around so we also consume more," said Platkin, who became his own diet detective after losing 50 pounds 14 years ago.

The book could come in especially handy for nibblers.

"Nibblers tend to be worse estimators because they feel like they're not eating anything - a few fries, a bit of cookie. But they add up to be significant calories," said Platkin, a certified trainer who is finishing up his Ph.D. in public health.

Most Americans underestimate how much they're actually eating by as much as 40 percent, he said.

Experts said the book's premise could encourage or discourage dieters, depending on the reader.

"For some people that's really a helpful thing. It really shows them it takes a fair amount of physical activity," said Jeanne Goldberg of the Friedman School of Nutrition at Tufts University.

On the flip side, she said, the numbers might seem so daunting that others skip exercising altogether.

Platkin said the book is not designed for people to look up every morsel they consume in a day. But it does provide a frame of reference.

Even if dieters don't end up doing the exercises, they will probably think twice before eating that slice of pumpkin pie. (An 81-minute walk).


*by Kelli Kennedy

The Love Doctor (Special Edition)

The Love DoctorHe Loves Me ... He Loves Me Not

Pulling the petals off a flower always seemed a dubious yet slightly whimsical way to determine if he truly loved the one he was with.

I've taken the idea and expanded on it a bit. See how many of which petals below apply to your situation to determine his TRUE feelings! It may be an eye-opener.

He loves me ... He is interested in my life
He wants to know how things are going at work, he encourages me to take the promotion even though it means longer hours and less time with him for a while. He always asks about my pets. He keeps up with my class schedule.

He makes tentative dates ... He loves me not
He makes open ended plans and then changes or cancels them if he gets a last minute invite from one of his buddies.

He loves me ... He shares my favorite pastimes
He attends various functions with me happily, even if he hates hates it, because it's something I want to do.

When I'm sick, he vanishes ... He loves me not
The fact that I'VE spent Saturday afternoon taking his dog to the vet because HE'S down with something escapes him. When we talk about fair play, he's talking about stuff I hate.

He loves me ... He calls me frequently
Sometimes it's to check on me. Sometimes it's to chat about our work, our friends, our lives, or world events. Sometimes it's just to say "Hi. I miss you." But he always calls to let me know he's thinking of me.

He ignores the future ... He loves me not
He never mentions the future beyond our next date. And when I mention a future together, he usually begins to stutter. Could it be that I don't figure in his plans for the future?!

He loves me ... He brags about me to his family & friends
His family and friends are always mentioning something wonderful he had to say about me, my job, my accomplishments, my talents, my friendship.

He says he wants me all for himself ... He loves me not
He's keeping our relationship a secret. He didn't take me to the company Christmas party. We don't spend any time with his friends. I haven't even met his family (and I suspect they don't even know I exist).

He loves me ... He tries to be nice to my family & friends
He may not like them one bit but he is willing to be nice to my family and friends simply because he wants to keep the peace and, of course, he wants to please me. (He really is a doll!!)

Life with him is a roller coaster ... He loves me not
I never know whether he'll surprise me at my door with pink champagne and white roses or cancel a date at the last minute for no good reason.

He loves me ... He never stops romancing me
His schedule is really busy but he always makes time for "us". If I had a hard week, he will cancel his plans and spend the time giving me a relaxing evening and a long backrub. He occasionally gives me a present or card to remind me that I'm special to him.

He's still putting notches in his headboard ... He loves me not
He wants to continue sowing his wild oats. What am I doing with this jerk? Am I completely stupid?!

He loves me ... He says so, in so many ways
His every thought and action says how much he loves me, but best of all, he tells me often just so there is no doubt!

The Love Doctor

*by Chuck Winston, 365Gay.com

Elf Yourself!


Elf Yourself - Click Here

Click Above.

Yes, That is The Wizard....

Jeff Foxworthy on Saskatchewan :


If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by ...........you may live in Saskatchewan.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May ......you may live in Saskatchewan.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year ..........you may live inSaskatchewan.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead ........you may live in Saskatchewan.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time .......you may live in Saskatchewan.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number....... you may live in Saskatchewan.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Saskatchewanian when:

1. "Vacation" means going South past Regina for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and then back again.
5. You can drive 110 kph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
6. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
7. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
8. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
9. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
10. Down South to you means Estevan ...
11. Your 1st of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
12. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
13. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
14. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Saskatchewan friends!


*Thanks, Daryn

Thursday, December 28, 2006

LOVE DRESS


A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.

She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing ?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

*Thanks, Andy!

TRUE or FALSE?


True or False?


The top flight speed of a dragonfly is 10 mph.





FALSE! Though dragonflies rarely cruise at a constant speed, and most fly at top speeds of 19 to 38 mph, their maximum velocity is estimated to be as high as 60 mph. Larger dragonflies fly faster than smaller ones, powered by their two sets of powerful wings. The dragonfly’s thorax contains muscles that allow each wing to be controlled separately.


Dragon Fly

Riddle Me This!


What are these?


What is this?
Riddle me this! -Answer. Click here

Click above for the answer.

Legendary Singer James Brown Dies at 73


By GREG BLUESTEIN

James BrownATLANTA (AP) - James Brown, the dynamic, pompadoured "Godfather of Soul," whose rasping vocals and revolutionary rhythms made him a founder of rap, funk and disco as well, died early Monday, his agent said. He was 73.

Brown was hospitalized with pneumonia at Emory Crawford Long Hospital on Sunday and died around 1:45 a.m. Monday, said his agent, Frank Copsidas of Intrigue Music. Longtime friend Charles Bobbit was by his side, he said.

Copsidas said the cause of death was uncertain. "We really don't know at this point what he died of," he said.

Pete Allman, a radio personality in Las Vegas who had been friends with Brown for 15 years, credited Brown with jump-starting his career and motivating him personally and professionally.

"He was a very positive person. There was no question he was the hardest working man in show business," Allman said. "I remember Mr. Brown as someone who always motivated me, got me reading the Bible."

Along with Elvis Presley, Bob Dylan and a handful of others, Brown was one of the James Brownmajor musical influences of the past 50 years. At least one generation idolized him, and sometimes openly copied him. His rapid-footed dancing inspired Mick Jagger and Michael Jackson among others. Songs such as David Bowie's "Fame," Prince's "Kiss," George Clinton's "Atomic Dog" and Sly and the Family Stone's "Sing a Simple Song" were clearly based on Brown's rhythms and vocal style.

If Brown's claim to the invention of soul can be challenged by fans of Ray Charles and Sam Cooke, then his rights to the genres of rap, disco and funk are beyond question. He was to rhythm and dance music what Dylan was to lyrics: the unchallenged popular innovator.

"James presented obviously the best grooves," rapper Chuck D of Public Enemy once told The Associated Press. "To this day, there has been no one near as funky. No one's coming even close."

His hit singles include such classics as "Out of Sight,""(Get Up I Feel Like Being a) Sex Machine,""I Got You (I Feel Good)" and "Say It Out Loud - I'm Black and I'm Proud," a landmark 1968 statement of racial pride.

"I clearly remember we were calling ourselves colored, and after the song, we were calling ourselves black," Brown said in a 2003 Associated Press interview. "The song showed even people to that day that lyrics and music and a song can change society."

He won a Grammy award for lifetime achievement in 1992, as well as Grammys in 1965 for "Papa's Got a Brand New Bag" (best R&B recording) and for "Living In America" in 1987 (best R&B vocal performance, male.) He was one of the initial artists inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1986, along with Presley, Chuck Berry and other founding fathers.

He triumphed despite an often unhappy personal life. Brown, who lived in Beech Island near the Georgia line, spent more than two years in a South Carolina prison for aggravated assault and failing to stop for a police officer. After his release on in 1991, Brown said he wanted to "try to straighten out" rock music.

From the 1950s, when Brown had his first R&B hit, "Please, Please, Please" in 1956, through the mid-1970s, Brown went on a frenzy of cross-country tours, concerts and new songs. He earned the nickname "The Hardest Working Man in Show Business."

With his tight pants, shimmering feet, eye makeup and outrageous hair, Brown set the stage for younger stars such as Michael Jackson and Prince.

In 1986, he was inducted in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. And rap stars of recent years overwhelmingly have borrowed his lyrics with a digital technique called sampling.

Brown's work has been replayed by the Fat Boys, Ice-T, Public Enemy and a host of other rappers. "The music out there is only as good as my last record," Brown joked in a 1989 interview with Rolling Stone magazine.

James Brown"Disco is James Brown, hip-hop is James Brown, rap is James Brown; you know what I'm saying? You hear all the rappers, 90 percent of their music is me," he told the AP in 2003.

Born in poverty in Barnwell, S.C., in 1933, he was abandoned as a 4-year-old to the care of relatives and friends and grew up on the streets of Augusta, Ga., in an "ill-repute area," as he once called it. There he learned to wheel and deal.

"I wanted to be somebody," Brown said.

By the eighth grade in 1949, Brown had served 3 1/2 years in Alto Reform School near Toccoa, Ga., for breaking into cars.

While there, he met Bobby Byrd, whose family took Brown into their home. Byrd also took Brown into his group, the Gospel Starlighters. Soon they changed their name to the Famous Flames and their style to hard R&B.

In January 1956, King Records of Cincinnati signed the group, and four months later "Please, Please, Please" was in the R&B Top Ten.

While most of Brown's life was glitz and glitter, he was plagued with charges of abusing drugs and alcohol and of hitting his third wife, Adrienne.

In September 1988, Brown, high on PCP and carrying a shotgun, entered an insurance seminar next to his Augusta office. Police said he asked seminar participants if they were using his private restroom.

Police chased Brown for a half-hour from Augusta into South Carolina and back to Georgia. The chase ended when police shot out the tires of his truck.

Brown received a six-year prison sentence. He spent 15 months in a South Carolina prison and 10 months in a work release program before being paroled in February 1991. In 2003, the South Carolina parole board granted him a pardon for his crimes in that state.

Soon after his release, Brown was on stage again with an audience that included millions of cable television viewers nationwide who watched the three-hour, pay-per-view concert at Wiltern Theatre in Los Angeles.

Adrienne Brown died in 1996 in Los Angeles at age 47. She took PCP and several prescription drugs while she had a bad heart and was weak from cosmetic surgery two days earlier, the coroner said.

More recently, he married his fourth wife, Tomi Raye Hynie, one of his backup singers. The couple had a son, James Jr.

Two years later, Brown spent a week in a private Columbia hospital, recovering from what his agent said was dependency on painkillers. Brown's attorney, Albert "Buddy" Dallas, said singer was exhausted from six years of road shows.


Former President Ford dead at 93


Gerald FordLOS ANGELES - Gerald R. Ford, who picked up the pieces of Richard Nixon's scandal-shattered White House as the 38th and only unelected president in America's history, has died, his wife, Betty, said Tuesday. He was 93.

Ford had battled pneumonia in January 2006 and underwent two heart treatments — including an angioplasty — in August at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn.

He was the longest living president, followed by Ronald Reagan, who also died at 93. Ford had been living at his desert home in Rancho Mirage, Calif., about 130 miles east of Los Angeles.

Ford was an accidental president, Nixon's hand-picked successor, a man of much political experience who had never run on a national ticket. He was as open and straight-forward as Nixon was tightly-controlled and conspiratorial.


The Wiz On The Street


President Gerald Ford, America's 38th President, died Tuesday at the age of 93 at his desert home in California. So the Wizard hit the streets again, asking, "What do you think?"

Leslie DraytonLeslie Drayton,
Housepainter
"Whomever it is we're talking about will live on — as long as we keep him in our memories."

Andrew WoolfolkAndrew Woolfolk,
Systems Analyst
"Every time you wrote the man's obituary, he'd pull through another few years. Then you'd have to go and update it. Classic Ford."

Sherry ScottSherry Scott,
Surveyor
"When they're carrying him out in the coffin, in front of the press, I think it would be funny if they 'accidentally' drop him down the stairs."


*The Onion

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

GUESS THE CHRISTMAS SONG (see answers below):


1. Bleached Yule

2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration

3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors

4. Righteous Darkness

5. Arrival Time: 2400 hrs -- Weather: Cloudless

6. Loyal Followers Advance

7. Far Off in a Feeder

8. Array the Corridor

9. Bantam Male Percussionist

10. Monarchial Triad

11. Nocturnal Noiselessness

12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers

13. Red Man En Route to Borough

14. Frozen Precipitation Commence

15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle

16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Probiscis

17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant

18. Delight for this Planet

19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings

20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals








FROSTY






Answers:



1. White Christmas

2. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire

3. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth

4. O Holy Night

5. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear

6. O Come, All Ye Faithful

7. Away in a Manger

8. Deck the Hall

9. Little Drummer Boy

10. We Three Kings

11. Silent Night

12. God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen

13. Santa Claus is Coming to Town

14. Let it Snow

15. Go, Tell It on the Mountain

16. Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer

17. What Child is This?

18. Joy to the World

19. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing

20. The Twelve Days of Christmas


TROY - The Latest Strip


Click Above Then choose 'Current Strip'

Click Above Then choose 'Current Strip'.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Some People Know More Stupid People Than Most...


Stupid People


My sister is a very intelligent woman when it comes to "book smarts," but a little naive in the ways of the real world. She used to work as a waitress, which I won't knock, because it IS a hard job. But when the cooks told her to go to the basement (restaurant had no basement) to get the dehydrated water, she searched for the basement entrance for an hour before realizing she'd been the butt of a joke. Another time, one of the salad girls had been busy, so my sister decided to make the salad herself. Just as she was carrying it to the customer, the salad girl grabbed her and said "what are you doing?" My sister said "well, she asked for the dressing on the side." You guessed it- she had put a little salad in the middle of the plate and poured dressing around the edges!

I was on my way to work early one morning. Having stayed up late with friends at a club, I wasn't feeling too hot! I decided to get some coffee from McDonald's and pulled into the drive through. I sat behind a car for a long time before I had noticed it had its window shade up! As I patiently continued to wait,I began to wonder how on earth this person was able to drive with this shade on.

It was quite some time before I realized I had pulled up behind a parked car!!!!!!!

One day I was working in the office at my college. I was asked to phone a list of 20 students and tell them that their exam for that Friday had been cancelled. So after I got to about the 10th person I realized that this was one of my classes. I went to lectures during the week and on Friday went to take my exam. But I saw no-one from my class there. Confused, I went to the office to find out what was going on, only to be told that the exam had been cancelled. The sweet little old receptionist told me that a young girl who sometimes worked in the office had phoned everyone. Perhaps, thought the little old lady, the girl who helped out had tried to reach me but hadn't gotten through. I felt so stupid since I was the one who phoned everyone. One of my prouder blonde moments.

One time I went to Taco Bell, and the front window of our car was broken so my mom made me order the food from the back seat. I ordered just fine, then the lady asked if I wanted any sauce. I said, "Just ketchup please." Oh Man! She looked at me so funny. THAT was embarrassing.

I have a friend who's really stupid. Over the summer I dyed my hair red and I didn't tell anyone about it. So one day, she phoned me to go do something, and when I saw her she said, "Oh, you dyed your hair!'" Then she asked me what colour.

I have a friend, Brandy, who was told if you gargle paroxide it will make your teeth whiter. When she did it her gums also turned white. Being the bright blonde that she is, she panicked and ate a piece of red candy to turn her gums back pink. Needless to say her newly whitened teeth were also red.

During a daily Biology class, we were discussing how DNA is made by taking enzymes from eaten food and using the enzymes to build the DNA. ANYWAY, my teacher said "Now, when I eat the carrot, the enzymes from the carrot help to build strands of DNA." And this girl in the front row asks without a hitch "So then is DNA made of carrots?"

One time I was playing around in the kitchen when I decided it would be a good a idea to try and scare my dog with our black and decker dough mixer. So I put it on turbo speed and aimed it at the dog who started to run away. To prove to the dog that it was harmless I attempted to stop the blades with my hand. My fingers got bent back to my wrist before the mixer gave up and I had to turn it off and run it back manually to pull my fingers out.

I went to Sixflags one time, and while going in, I noticed a hotdog stand! Instead of looking where I was going, I kept my head trained onto the stand in the hopes that my mom would buy me one. Because she didn't notice me, I decided to say "Mmmmmm, hotdogs" just like Homer Simpson would, but right after I said this, I crashed into the knee high brick wall. After falling over into the garden on the other side of the wall, I yelled out, "Owwwwww, my knees!" Everyone heard this and stared at me. Anyway, I hurt my knees and I didn't even get a hotdog.

My friend Pico, Jamal and I were riding in Pico's new Ford Explorer. We were on the interstate driving about seventy MPH. Pico's truck sounded funny. Jamal said, "Hey, is your truck OK?" Pico looked at the dash and saw that the automatic gear shift was in 2nd gear. Pico asks, "Hey, it's in '2.' I should pull over at the next exit then shift back to 'D' right?" Jamal and I beat Pico with our hats and I reached over and shifted the selector back to "D."

I hate to tell on myself but.... One night, I was in a friend's 3rd story apartment. We were grilling food on the apartment balcony. We were smart enough to realize that this wasn't a safe action. We decided to go to the park to grill. I had to run to the toilet. After I wrapped up the business, I went and found that my friends were all in the truck ready to go. I decided to jump off of the balcony to get to the car quicker. I fell 3 stories and hit the concrete...a perrrfect cat-like landing on 2 feet. Too bad I broke my ankle and my leg. They rushed me to the hospital. I got fixed up with a cast and pain killers :). We returned to the park. I was on crutches and had to lay on my back and keep my leg elevated. They all teased me well into the night. After the party ended, everyone packed to leave. Everybody said BYE!! One of my friends yelled HEY MOE! We have to do this again sometime!! Yeah right.......

My mom's friend is a teacher at a nearby high school. Well, one day, she assigned her class a paper on World War 2. The day it was due, one boy came in empty handed. The teacher asked him why. He simply replied, "I went to every library I could find, but I found NOTHING on World War 2. I found a lot of books on World War 11, though."

I work in a convenience store. A while ago, a woman came in, grabbed a bottle of soda and a candy bar, and came up to the counter. "That'll be $1.65," I told her. She looked at me kind of strangely for a moment, then picked up the soda and asked, "How much is this?" "A dollar," I said. Then she picked up the candy bar. "And how much is this?" she asked.

I broke my knee and was out of lacrosse for the season. Well the day after one of the games a friend of mine who is on the team walked up to me and asked, "Hey, how many goals did you have yesterday?"

I had an ex-girlfriend who was stupid. One day her stupid things were getting on my nerves and I asked her what her I.Q. was.
She responded "20/20"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have a friend we will call him Maki. I told everyone at the lunch table at school that I aced my social studies test. He said "Did you get an A on it?"

I know someone who lives right down the street. One day she was walking along and struck up a conversation with my Mom. I had nothing to do and was overhearing it. The topic went to dogs. Then she said, "You know, there is this really strange thing that happens every time I drive to school. I pass this street and there is this dead dog. And once I get out of school and pass the street again, someone moved the dog. It's really weird! Every day someone moves this dead dog back and forth!" So, one day, we drove down that street to get to the supermarket, and remembering that conversation looked down the street and saw the dog laying there. The dog wasn't dead, it was sleeping!

My family were on a road trip with our caravan, when one of the wheels fell off. We happened to lose a couple of the nuts before putting it back on, so we stopped at the next service station to try and get some replacements. My father asked the attendant if they had any wheel nuts and she thought for a bit and replied, "No, but we have Nobby's Nuts."

After purchasing our house, my wife and I decided to rip up most of the carpeting in the living room and put down a tile floor. While relating this story to my boss I said, "...it was a long job. There was 300 square feet of floor to cover with 12 inch by 12 inch tiles." He then asked me, "Really! How many tiles did you use?"

My friend Rachel announced she was going to bleach her hair in the summer. My friend Tracey asked, "What color?"

We were listening to a story about my friend's next door neighbor who went to Germany and had a one night stand with a German bloke. When her husband found out they divorced. Tracey suddenly shouted "Oh! Just think! The baby will come out speaking German!"

In one of my high school classes we were going to have a mock trial. The teacher asked who wanted what roles. My friend raised her hand and said, "I'll be the prostituting attorney!"

I worked at a gift store just across a small open area from the world famous Space Needle here in Seattle. Two questions from tourists that never failed to amaze and amuse me were, "Where is the Space Needle?" (Honestly, it only looms 610 feet above your head at this very moment.) and "Is this where I get tickets to the Space Needle?" (No, you get them AT the Space Needle. I was tempted sometimes to send them to some remote corner of the Seattle Center in effort to obtain them. Shame on me.)

I had just gotten my debit-card. I hadn't had a chance to sign it yet and I went into the store. The girl, seeing that it wasn't signed, gave me her pen and asked if I would sign the card. I did. So she proceeds with the purchase, hands me the receipt to sign and then takes the card holds it up next to the receipt and compares the signatures…

My mom took out her old wedding album and built into the binding was a small music box that you had to wind up. Well, over the years a piece had fallen off the winding mechanism but mom had discovered if you put a dime in the slot to turn it, it still worked fine. So we're reading it and my niece (honor student, governor's school, etc.) comes over. My sister says, "Here, this part plays music. Do you have a dime on you?" And my niece says "Do you have to PAY?"

I had just punched in at my place of employment and was putting my things away, when the coworker I take over for came up to me and said, "I can't get the lint thingy back in the dryer right. I think I broke it." I went to see what the problem was. I found that HE, yes it was a male, had put the lint filter in backwards. As I took it back out and proceeded to put it in correctly, he stopped me and said, "Wait, I forgot to put this back in." I turned to see what he was talking about and in his hand was a big wad of lint.

My aunts were driving somewhere one day, and they stopped at a tollbooth. While they were sitting there they saw a part of someone's car rolling down the street, and started laughing. Then they realized that it was a part of their car.

My friend was driving me home from school one day. On the way home I saw a car that looked exactly like my mom's parked on the side of the road. I started laughing at it, and making fun of it because the tires had all busted and there was nothing left but the rim. When I got home she called to tell me that she wouldn't be home for a few hours because the wheels on her car had gotten messed up. I felt so stupid because I had been making fun of my mom's car.

After spending the afternoon snorkeling in St. Croix, I was standing near the dive shop when I overheard the following conversation between 2 middle-aged American ladies. They were watching a bare-footed man trudging (on hot gravel) with an empty scuba air-tank on his back. He was hunched over and grimacing. I presumed his posture and expression was due to the hot gravel on his bare feet. But apparently the ladies didn't see it that way. Lady1: My, those tanks must be awfully heavy! Look how he's walking! Lady2: Oh? Do you suppose that tank is all that heavy? Lady1: Well, I don't know if it's empty or not, but I heard someone say that those things can hold 70 lbs. of air! Lady2: Well that's hard to believe. Looks like they'd drown if they were all that heavy. How can they swim w/ all that weight? Lady1: Oh that's because it's weightless in water. You know everything is much lighter in water. Lady2: I suppose so. You're so smart about these things!

My wife was very excited upon hearing the 1996 Olympics would be held in Atlanta, Ga. Before she began planning the events she wanted to see, she asked me, "Will it be the winter or summer games?"

This is an actual conversation that took place in my educational psychology class (mind you everyone in this class is training to be a teacher). We were learning about the best way to teach kids concepts and the Prof. was using the word "bird." He asked us what characteristics made a bird different from other animals. Obviously people said "feathers, lays eggs, etc." One person said the beak made them different. The prof. asked the class if we all agreed that all birds had to have a beak. Everyone said, "YES" then from the back of the room this girl said "What about ducks? They don't have a beak. They have a bill." The prof. asked, "Aren't a beak and a bill the same thing?" She said "No a beak is used for pecking and a bill is used to sift things." Another student then said, "We know a duck is a bird. It is a biological fact." She replied, "Look, I don't know the biological reasons for it, but I am saying that a duck isn't a bird because it has a bill." The whole class sat there in amazement. Just think SHE could be teaching YOUR kids someday.

To prove just how smart the people who work for McDonalds are I told my brother that I would order a cheeseburger without cheese to find out what the guy would say. He did just what I thought he would do, he called back to the grill for a cheeseburger with no cheese instead of handing me a burger off the warmer. The guy working the grill didn't catch on either, because he wrapped it in a special wrapper instead of suggesting that he give me a regular hamburger.

Back in high school, I had THE stupidest music teacher. I was a brunette, but over Christmas vacation, I dyed my hair red. When I came back to his class after the vacation, he stared at me long and hard, then said "You know, last semester I had a student just like you, only she had brown hair."

Once my aunt had a terrible headache so she took an aspirin and soon felt better. Later that day she was looking for a button that had fallen off her blouse. She didn't find the button but she found an aspirin in her pocket!

I love telling this story because it is about my ex girlfriend. I was at her house for Easter. Her mother was making some cookies. They were "slice and bake" with little rabbits on them. My girlfriend said with an amazed look "Wow the little bunnies go through to the other side" ...(hence, slice and bake cookies)

Once while riding around Myrtle Beach with my parents, I saw a sign that read "Topless Bar." My sister and I, both pre-adolescents, wondered how did the bar-goers keep from getting wet when it rains. The thought occupied my mind for years until someone finally told me what a topless bar was!

I was 18 and in the Air Force, and had just bought my first car. It was at Fairchild AFB, near Spokane, Washington, and the car was a 1955 Oldsmobile. I had paid $50.00 for it. My buddy and I decided to take it for a drive over to Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Nearing the city, we heard a "chop...chop...chop" sound. We parked at a restaurant and shut the car off. Went inside to eat, and then returned to the car. The car would not start. I raised the hood, and my buddy and I, (both of us REALY STUPID!) just stood there looking at the engine, not knowing a thing about cars. A man came up to see if we needed help. He told us that my battery was gone. Apparently, it was not tied or bolted down and it fell into my fan blades. Well, this man put his battery in my car to get it started and then took it out. He told us that when we get back to Spokane, to go buy a battery. Well, we drove all the way back to Spokane, and stopped in a gas station and bought a battery, ($19.95 in 1971). Well, we put that battery in, and as we went around the cloverleaf onramp to get back on the freeway, we heard, "chop..chop..chop."

I drive a city bus for a living. Bus drivers rule is once the door is closed and the bus is moving do not open the door. One night about 10pm I pull into a stop, pick up the people and proceed to pull out. All of a sudden out of the side mirror I see a person running toward the now moving bus. I stopped at a traffic light, the person caught up and passed the bus and ran 2 blocks to the next stop. I pull into the stop and open the door. The person looks up, puts one foot up on the steps, panting out of breath and says to me as he pulls a cigarette, "EXCUSE ME BUT DO YOU HAVE A LIGHT"

One day I took out the vacuum cleaner to vacuum my rugs and saw the bag inside was full. I went to get a new bag and saw I was out of the bags. I decided instead to put a plastic garbage bag into the vacuum cleaner. Being this vacuum cleaner was an upright it was an easy thing to do. When I turned on the vacuum cleaner imagine my surprise when the 30 gallon garbage bag blew up like a huge balloon and my vacuum cleaner danced across the living room rug.

During a hot summer day a woman called up our hospital proclaiming that her daughter had eaten and swallowed some ants on accident. We told her that she would be ok and that they would be dead before they could do any harm. Towards the end of the phone conversation something caught our attention. She said that she gave her daughter some ant poison to kill the ants. We then told her that she better come in right away. Everything ended up ok though, and we all still laugh about it to this day.

One day I was talking to my brother about a girl I know named Heather. I was telling him that I thought that she was cheating on her boyfriend and pregnant with the other guy's child. My brother got this very surprised look on his face and said, "Does Heather know?"

My old roommate had a burned out turn indicator. After telling him about it, he asked, "Do you think it needs more blinker fluid?"

I was with my sister in a restaurant in Ocean City and I was walking to the table. When I glanced to my side I thought that I saw someone with the same shirt on as me, and since I only got a quick glance, I looked the other way and said to my sister, "Hey that girl has my shirt." She replied, "Ummmm, I think that is a mirror..."

One day my sister, mother and I were all in the kitchen. My mother began to make dinner when my sister asked if she wanted some help. My mother of course said; "Yes, you can help by getting the ingredients out." My sister began to get all the ingredients out when my mother asked, "What are the olives for?" My sister replied, "We need olive oil."

Back in my high school days, I had just barely got my new pair of contact lenses. I came home really late from somewhere one night and went to take out my contacts and put them to soak. I didn't bother to turn on the lights. The optical had given me some small sample bottles of lens cleaner and I went to reach for this and put my lenses to soak. It wasn't until the next morning when I put my lenses in that I discovered my mistake. I had grabbed a bottle of Murine eye drops instead of the cleaning solution, and had dyed my contact lenses yellow! Except for the faint yellow tint, I could still see out of them just fine and wore them for 2 weeks until my replacement lenses arrived. Now think about this; my eyes are bright blue. Yellow contact lenses mixed with blue eyes produce the most "glow in the dark", bright GREEN cat eyes that you ever saw! I'd be sitting in class and the teacher would look at me, then look again! When I called different opticals and explained the problem, asking what could be done, nobody believed me. They all were laughing their heads off and a few of them said "no way!" and hung up on me.

A friend and I were house sitting for my dad while he was on vacation. One morning I went to fix breakfast and made pancakes. My friend had just poured syrup all over his pancakes and took several bytes. I asked him how they were and he said, "These are really good!"I sat down to eat, grabbed the syrup bottle and poured some over my pancakes. I took one byte and about gagged and said, "Yuck! These taste horrible!" "Hmm? They taste ok to me.." I grabbed the syrup bottle and looked at the label. In very small writing, my dad had scribbled "vegetable oil" on the bottle. What kind of moron dumps his used cooking oil into a syrup bottle and puts in back in the cupboard with all the other syrup bottles?

I live in Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada and I'm 14 years old. The tourists here can get so stupid because they always ask me what time they turn off the falls. I usually reply back, trying to sound like an idiot too 'about the same time they roll up the side walks. And they look at ME weird!

One day some friends and I went out to get some fruit at a curbside stand. There is a big sign selling plums 4 for a dollar. My buddy picks one up, looks at it and asks the guy, "How much for one?"


My friend Emily and I went to K-Mart. We were walking to the restrooms. I found a motorized cart. I hopped on cart. We went to the undergarments (after the restroom). Next thing I know the wheel on the cart got stuck on a bra rack. Next thing I know bra's are all over me, the cart and the floor. I stood up in shock and did not realize that there were people standing there. Emily shouts out "It's a miracle, you can walk."


My ex-wife once called me at a bar and asked, "Where are you?"

I was working in a large Western National Park and a woman who was a notorious chain smoker came out of her office and lit up a cigarette. I said, "What are you up to?." She took a long drag off of her cigarette and with smoke coming out of her mouth and nose said, "I just came out for a little fresh air"!

I went to McDonalds's the other day, and ordered a cheeseburger with ketchup only, meaning bread, meat, cheese, and ketchup. When I pulled away from the window, I checked the burger to make sure it didn't have anything but ketchup, and there was no cheese on it! I drove around and said to the guy at the window "This doesn't have any cheese."He said "Right, you ordered it with ketchup only."

I was at sleep away camp and there was a really bad storm. Eventually we lost power and most of my friends went scrambling for our flashlights. My best friend at camp (sadly), shouted, "Oh no! Since we don't have electricity our flashlights won't work!" It took awhile, but we managed to explain to her that flashlights run on batteries. I'm still not sure she gets it, but someday she'll understand.

I worked the night shift at a restaurant and every Friday night the same 5 deaf men would come to eat. They usually came very late and often stayed passed closing time. One night when they had stayed well passed closing time, I asked my boss if he could please give them some kind of sign that we would like to close the restaurant so they would leave. He reached up and shut off the music.


* © 1999, Lynn Sebourn

Viagra-CLAUS!


Viagra Claus

Very Punny


Dolphins

A Marine Biologist discovered that he could prolong the life of dolphins almost indefinitely if they were fed on certain rare species of sea-gull. Naturally he decided to feed his own dolphins on this diet.

Unfortunately, he began to run out of supplies from the coast and had to start obtaining his seagulls from an inland lake. This necessitated crossing a national park filled with sleeping lions.

He carefully moved around the lions on tip-toe so as not to wake them ... However a park ranger came along and arrested him for transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.


The King's Pizza

One day (just before Christmas, probably), Good King Wenceslas decided that he was fed up with the food at the palace, so he phoned up his local Italian restaurant for a takeaway pizza.

"Certainly, your Majesty" says the Manager, "Would you like your usual"?
"Yes please," replied the King, "same as always - deep pan, crisp and even"

The Poor Shepherd

There once was a poor shepherd named Yorgi. The only food he had to sustain himself on was the milk he got from the sheep, and it tasted so bad that he could barely drink it. As a result, Yorgi became thin and sickly.

One day, he met his friend Vladimir. Vladimir was a poor shepherd like himself, but he was hearty and healthy. Vladimir told him that he had to live on sheep's milk too, but he let him on a secret: a witch in a nearby village taught him a magic spell that makes sheep's milk taste as sweet as the richest cream. Yorgi begged Vladimir to teach him the spell, which his friend did willingly.

Sure enough, Yorgi's sheep produced the most delicious milk he ever tasted. Yorgi loved it so much, that he drank it by the liter. He milked his sheep so much that they cried out in pain. Yorgi realized that he couldn't make his sheep suffer like that, so he reversed the spell and resigned himself to drinking normal sheep's milk.

Now, there's no ewes crying over spelled milk.

Revenge of the Kangaroos

There are reports of a new problem in Australia. Some of the kangaroos have developed a thirst for revenge against the traffic that keeps knocking them down. Drivers have reported that they'll pass a herd of roos that are hopping along peacefully, but as soon as they've passed them, the roos suddenly change direction, and veer right towards the vehicle. The driver then has to drive as quickly as possible to escape the rampaging marsupials.

Drivers are being urged to keep an eye on their veer-roo mirror at all times.

Sherlock Holmes and the Mysterious Painting

Shelock Holmes and Doctor Watson were doing their usual investigative business one day, when the uncovered an amazing painting. At first glance, it looked like a picture of normal oak tree, in the middle of a wilderness, but if you looked closer, you could see that it was a very surreal painting: The tree's trunk was actually made of fire, and it's branches were made of ice, clouds and earth.

"What is it?" asked Watson in awe.

"It's an element tree, my dear Watson," said Holmes.

Cheese on the Moon

A group of astronaughts are on the moon. They've been mining the surface, and have discovered that it really is made of cheese.

One particular area of cheese that they're quite interested in is a large vein of brie, and they've already been there twice, and collected samples to be returned to mission control.

All of a sudden, the radio crackles into life: "Mission control to cheese-base-one - we need you to get a third load of that brie!"

But the astronaughts are unhappy with the idea. They try to come up with all sorts of excuses why they shouldn't dig any more...

"It'll spoil the environment if we take too much. We don't want to leave this place looking bad.

"After all - have you ever seen such a site in your life as brie mined thrice?"

And now 10 Short ones:

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

WooHOO!

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him -- oh, man, this is so bad, it's good --

a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was The Wizard who posted ten different puns for his readers, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

WooHOO!


31 Signs the computer has taken over your life


animated computer 1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-)

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that CD could refer to investment finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. However, you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better: the track ball or the track pad.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

31. You forward this post to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.

animated computer

SnowBall Fight


I LOVE Snow, I LOVE CHRISTMAS, I LOVE IT ALL!!

SnowBall Fight

5 Days until Christmas!!!!
The Time is coming !!Ho Ho HO

Let it snow!


~You have just been hit with a blogger snow ball!~

Gotcha!


It's the start of.....


Snow Ball Fight 2006 & 2007!!

We do not stop playing because we grow old;
we grow old because we stop playing.


Never Be The First To Get Old!!!!!

ELF


Can't WAIT for Christmas!!