The two old boys were rocking back and forth on the front porch of the Happy Trails Gay Senior home. They had been together for more than 50 years, and now they enjoying their golden years at the retirement centre.
Slowly they rocked, in rhythm as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.
Suddenly Bruce stopped, grabbed his cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit Mort across the shins.
Poor old Mort's eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, "What'd you do that fer?"
"That's fer fifty years of bad sex," Bruce said.
Mort just nodded his head, saying nothing.
Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly Mort stopped, and picked up his cane.
He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit Bruce across the shins.
As soon as Bruce's eyes quit watering and he could speak he asked, "What was that fer?"
"That," said Mort, as he began to rock again, "is fer knowin' the difference."
Saturday, May 22, 2004
The two old boys were rocking back and forth on the front porch of the Happy Trails Gay Senior home. They had been together for more than 50 years, and now they enjoying their golden years at the retirement centre.
Coaster Does Up To 4 1/2 Gs
Thrill-seeking students went out Friday trying to set a new world record in Surrey, England riding a roller coaster naked.
Braving cold weather and pouring rain, 82 students took their clothes off and boarded one of England's toughest coasters.
It was a successful attempt to set the first world record for the largest number of people to ride a roller coaster naked.
The Nemesis Inferno ride is one of the fastest in the United Kingdom.
It includes several 360-degree turns along a 799-yard course and gravitational pulls up to 4½ times the level normally felt on earth.
Staff at the Thorpe Park theme park organized the event to coincide with the park's 25-year anniversary.
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
By now you're probably thinking gasoline priced at $.80 a litre is super cheap. We all know that we're being screwed by the oil companies. Does everyone remember how they drove up the prices way past a dollar and got the gas prices to where they wanted them, claiming there was a shortage of oil. Well, there isn't any shortage - the oil is more abundant than it was 35 years ago when the price of a litre of gas was 29 cents!!!
Now that the oil companies and the OPEC nations have conditioned us to think that the cost of a litre of gas is CHEAP at $0.78-$0.85, we need to take aggressive action to teach them that BUYERS control the marketplace....not sellers. With the price of gasoline going up more each day, we consumers need to take action. The only way we are going to see the price of gas come down is if we hit someone in the pocketbook by not purchasing their gas! And we can do that WITHOUT hurting ourselves. How? Since we all rely on our cars, we can't just stop buying gas. But we CAN have an impact on gas prices if we all act together to force a price war.
For the rest of this year, DON'T purchase ANY gasoline from the two biggest companies (which are now one), PETRO CANADA and SHELL. If they are not selling any gas, they will be inclined to reduce their prices. If they reduce their prices, the other companies will have to follow suit. But to have an impact, we need to reach literally millions of PETRO CANADA and SHELL buyers. Its really simple to do!!
I am posting this note as I believe it will reach more than if I email 10 people as I get more than 30 hits in a day. Please feel free to pass on my blog address: http://bbogdan.blogspot.com . If each of you send it to at least ten more (50 x 10 = 500) ... and those 500 send it to at least ten more (500 x 10 = 5,000)...and so on, by the time the message reaches the sixth generation of people, we will have reached over THREE MILLION consumers! If those three million get excited and pass this on to ten friends each, then 30 million people will have been contacted!
Please send this to 10 people.
How long would all that take? If each of you sends this email out to ten people within one day of receipt, all MILLIONS of people could conceivably be contacted within the next 8 days!!! Acting together we can make a difference. If this makes sense to you, please pass this message on.
PLEASE HOLD OUT UNTIL THEY LOWER THEIR PRICES TO THE $0.64 OR LESS RANGE AND KEEP THEM DOWN. THIS CAN REALLY WORK BUT WE NEED TO WORK TOGETHER!!!!!!!
Thursday, May 06, 2004
BONNET - Pullenob und knucklechopper
BREATHALYSER - Die puffintem fur pistenarsen
CLUTCH - Die kuplink mit sclippen und schaken
CYCLIST - Der pedalpushink pillloken
ESTATE CAR - Der bagerroom fur shaggininauto
EXHAUST - Spitzenpoppen bangentuben
FOOTBRAKE - Der edbangeronvindschreen stoppenquick
GEAR LEVER - Biggensticken fur kangaroojumpen
HEADLIGHTS - Das dippendontdazzelubastad
HIGHWAY CODE - Der wipen fur arsen
INDICATORS - Die plinken tickentocken
JUGGERNAUT - Der fukkengretten trukken
LEARNER - Die twaten mit elplatz
NEAR ACCIDENT - Der fukken nearen schittenselfen
PARKING METER - Der tennerpinscher und klockenwerr
PUNCTURE - Die phlatt mit bludyfukken
SEATBELTS - Der klunkenklicker frauleintrapper
SKID - Der bannanan waltzen
SPEEDOMETER - Das Egoboozta mit Digitsundneedle
TYRES - Flattenfahrts
WINDSCREEN WIPER - Der flippenflappen muckenschpredder
Almost 1.5 million Windows customers downloaded a cleanup tool for the Sasser Internet worm in the first two days after Microsoft Corp. began offering the tool on Sunday, according to a Microsoft spokesperson. The number of downloads is one indication of the number of Windows computers infected with Sasser and it is bigger than most estimates from computer security companies. Still, the total number of infected Windows systems could be even higher, especially when infections on computer networks are taken into account, the spokesperson said.
Sasser appeared on Friday and exploits a recently disclosed hole in a component of Windows called the Local Security Authority Subsystem Service, or LSASS. Microsoft released a software patch, MS04-011, on April 13 that plugs the LSASS hole. Sasser had spawned at least four variants, labeled A, B, C and D, as of Tuesday. The worm is similar to an earlier worm, Blaster, because users do not need to receive an e-mail message or open a file to be infected. Instead, just having a vulnerable Windows machine connected to the Internet via communications port number 445 is enough to catch Sasser.
After appearing Friday, the worm spread quickly around the world. Early estimates by the SANS Institute's Internet Storm Center (ISC) put the total number of infected system in the "hundreds of thousands."
As it did with the Blaster worm, Microsoft began offering the Sasser removal tool from its Web site shortly after the worm appeared. The tool, which can be downloaded or run from a Web browser, scans computers for telltale signs of Sasser and then allows the user to remove the worm.
(See: http://www.microsoft.com/security/incident/sasser.asp )
You can find security update 835732 here.
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
7. So that-with a little help from Muzak-you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your already exaggerated resume.
8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.
10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
11. No one steals your chair.
Actual amout of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons
Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200
Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000
Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons
Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons
Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour
Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour
These facts are brought to you by:
Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7
Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150
Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches
Average length when erect: 5.1
Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch
Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches
Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale)
Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop: 10 feet
Most arousing time of day/season for a man: early morning/fall
Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start excercising, lose weight.
Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole grains, and wheat germ
Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%
Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%
Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%
Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2weeks
Average # of erections per day for a man: 11
Average # of erections during the night: 9
Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches
The human equalivent: 26 miles (a marathon distance)
Time it takes the sperm: 2.5 seconds
Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours
Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation)
Shelf life of a hostess twinkie: 7 years
Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100
Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm
Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm
Thickness of plastic wrap: .0127 mm
# of times condoms are thicker that plastic wrap: almost 6
In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet.
Some say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a buttery or fishy taste.
Dairy products can create a foul taste.
The taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest.
ACIDIC FRUITS AND ALCOHOL (EXCEPT PROCESSED LIQUORS) GIVE IT A PLEASANT AND SUGARY TASTE.
Examples: oranges, mangos, kiwi, lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt Blue, Honey Brown
Drinking a Corona with lime is double the fun.
Odors that increase blood flow to the penis:lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie. (Happy Thanksgiving!)
Yes, the penis does shrink in the shower.
It is common for men to wake up with "morning wood," a name for an a.m. erection.
Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will explode if he doesn't have sex, is totally false.
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I ve got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
Williams schmoozes with Winnipeg Junior Achievement grads
By KATIE CHALMERS -- Winnipeg Sun
WINNIPEG -- It was a graduation to remember.
About 80 high school students celebrating the end of their Junior Achievement program at the Fort Garry Hotel Thursday night got a surprise visit from Robin Williams.
The Oscar-winning actor, now in Winnipeg for the filming of The Big White -- co-starring Oscar winner Holly Hunter, Woody Harrelson and Giovanni Ribisi -- was spotted alone in the hotel lounge by the program's event planner about 9:30 p.m. Valerie Betker said she approached Williams and asked if he'd go upstairs and say a quick hello to the kids. He ended up spending half an hour signing autographs and even broke into an impression of Mrs. Doubtfire.
"They just couldn't believe it. They just went wild when they saw him," Betker said. "He was so gracious. He was so real."
Betker and her husband were marking their 37th wedding anniversary that night so the couple figured they would stop by the hotel lounge for a celebratory drink. But Betker's celebrity encounter quickly sent her back up to the ballroom, a Hollywood star at her side.
Williams' extensive movie resume includes Good Will Hunting, Awakenings, Good Morning, Vietnam and Dead Poets Society.
"I told him it would be a grad to remember, even if he just stuck his head in and said hello. He said he could do that and chatted all the way," Betker said. Williams, who appeared shy at first, told Betker he hadn't slept for hours, yet he managed to transform himself into the off-the-wall personality his fans recognize the moment he stepped off the elevator. "He was so very tired but he was willing to give his time to the kids. They were just thrilled," she said. "He's a real performer. He turned on the charm."
Clamoring for their cameras, the students were quick to steal a pose with Williams, who is expected to be filming in the city until May 18. Student Kyle Gray, 17, said he was floored when a staff member cleared a path through the crowd, announcing Williams was there.
"He got swarmed by everyone," Gray said. "Everybody started shrieking," Patrick Smith, 18, added. When a student asked Williams to sign his program, the actor initially declined, saying he would have to sign everyone's copy, Gray said.
"Then he said, 'Oh, what the hell,' took 20 or 30 other programs and started to sign them," Gray recalled. "He's a really nice guy. He's cool, really energetic." Williams thanked the group for the invitation, said good night and hopped back into the elevator. "It was a really neat experience, almost surreal," Betker said.
Border Crossing Guards
A hand is a hand, or so I thought....
Drug Metrics 101
Use Yer Eyes, Man!
Dozens Tossed Into Texas Lake As Party Boat Overturns
AUSTIN, Texas -- All the passengers of a party barge that overturned in a Texas lake have been accounted for.
The barge turned over and sank Sunday in Lake Travis, where the water is at least 50 feet deep.
There were 60 people on the boat -- two received minor injuries.
Witnesses told authorities all the people on the boat moved to one side as it approached a lakeside park called Hippie Hollow. It has the only public nude beach in Texas.
The Austin American-Statesman reports in its online edition that the barge flipped over during Splash Day, a semiannual event hosted by the gay and lesbian communities.
"At Arm's Length"
A Hastings man is appealing for the return of his prosthetic arm which was stolen during a scuffle in the city at the weekend.
Senior Sergeant Greg Bradshaw said a skirmish broke out in Market Street between two people on Friday. One of the combatants had a prosthetic arm which was torn loose in the scuffle. Instead of leaving it behind, the second man then ran off with it.
"He'd like it back," remarked cops.
Monday, May 03, 2004
HENDERSON, Texas (AP) -- A man set up a bubble bath for his wife, complete with candles and music, then tried to electrocute her by pushing a radio into the tub, authorities say.
William Joseph Wolfe, a 34-year-old emergency room nurse, was arrested Thursday on charges of attempted murder and freed on $40,000 bail.
"It's the kind of case you would expect to see on a 'Columbo' episode," said Police Chief Randy Freeman.
Teresa Wolfe told police her husband had moved the radio from its usual place in the bathroom to a bench near the bathtub, with an extension cord running into another room.
She said she caught the radio before it hit the water and threw it out of the way. She said she later discovered that he had visited Web sites on their home computer dealing with bathtub electrocution.
According to authorities, Wolfe bought a life insurance policy on his wife five months ago.
He could get up to 20 years in prison.
LOS ANGELES - A month after stalled contract renewal talks led the voices of "The Simpsons" to stop work, both the actors and Fox are getting more "D'oh!" Terms of the deal were not announced for the actors who provide the voices for Homer and Marge Simpson and other characters on the long-running animated series.
"We couldn't be happier to have reached a multiyear deal with the enormously talented cast of 'The Simpsons,'" series producer 20th Century Fox Television said Friday in a statement. A spokesman representing the cast said they had no immediate comment. Despite speculation the dispute would shorten the 2004-05 season, the studio said it was optimistic that all 22 planned episodes could be finished.
The loss of even a few episodes of "The Simpsons," a bulwark of Fox TV's schedule, would be financially painful for the network. Each cast member was seeking about $360,000 an episode, or $8 million for the 22-episode, 2004-05 season, the trade paper Daily Variety reported previously. The actors were earning $125,000 an episode. The contract dispute involves Dan Castellaneta (Homer); Julie Kavner (news) (Marge); Hank Azaria (news) (Moe, Apu and others); Harry Shearer (news) (Mr. Burns and others); Yeardley Smith (news) (Lisa) and Nancy Cartwright (Bart), the paper said.
The actors' previous deal, which covered seasons 13, 14 and 15, was reached without complication. In 1998, however, the cast — except for Kavner, who had a previous deal in effect — sought significant pay increases. At that time, the performers made $30,000 an episode from a show that has proved a huge international moneymaker.
The grand jury indictment said Jackson conspired with "other uncharged co-conspirators and co-conspirators," but the judge ordered that the parts of the indictment identifying them be removed before it was publicly released. The defense and prosecutors declined to say Friday who else may be arrested.
"We have a lot to say and we're going to do our talking in court," Jackson attorney Steve Cochran said.
Sunday, May 02, 2004
Randel Metzinger prides himself on being different.
Randel Metzinger wears a pink duct tape suit that he made for his school prom. "Even at school, I try not to have myself classified as anything,'' Randel said. "That just makes me stand out of the crowd and be my own person.''
Randel certainly stood out of the crowd at the Pine Forest High School prom. It's hard not to stand out when you're wearing a hot pink suit emblazoned with black flames at the sleeves and cuffs. It also helps if that suit happens to be made of duct tape.
Randel wore that get-up to the prom, which was held April 24. He doesn't regret his choice of attire a bit, even if it was a little hot under all that sticky tape. Randel, said his mother, Marian Metzinger, is "very artistic.'' He plays more than 10 instruments, including trombone, trumpet, keyboards and guitar.
So when it came time to decide what to wear to the prom, it wasn't surprising that Randel decided to get creative. The duct tape idea had actually been in Randel's head for years. When he was in the eighth or ninth grade, Randel and a friend came across a Web site for a duct tape manufacturer.
The site offered a scholarship to the student who created the most inventive duct tape suit. The idea, well, stuck with Randel. When prom time rolled around, Randel revived the idea of the duct tape suit. "It was just one of those things - 'It would be cool to do this,''' Randel said. "I'll pretty much do anything for a laugh.''
Randel had the full support of his mother, who marvels at her son's creativity. "I told him, 'rock on,''' Marian Metzinger said. Randel used the lining of an old thrift store suit. He had to order the duct tape online - you won't find hot pink duct tape at most Home Depots. It took two layers of tape to get the effect Randel wanted. He used seven rolls of pink tape and two rolls of black for the flame designs on the jacket sleeves and pants cuffs.
To complete the outfit, Randel wore a black shirt and a pair of hot pink duct-taped loafers.
The result was a blindingly bright suit that you could envision Elvis Presley wearing in the 1950s - if Elvis had a thing for duct tape. Needless to say, Randel's duct tape suit got lots of stares at the prom. "Surprisingly, I heard no negative comments, at least to my face,'' Randel said. "None of them were that surprised, because they know me. They expect me to do something different, they're just not sure what.''
Saturday, May 01, 2004
Lets face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
But when I wind up this poem
(Dick Van Dyke and Mary Tyler Moore)
The Petries' Manhattan home - where they've lived for 20 years, according to the special - is a far cry from the modest, but comfortable home they inhabited in New Rochelle on the old "Dick Van Dyke Show," which ran for five seasons on CBS (1961-66).
University of Colorado
Boulder, Colorado USA 80023
Men's restroom, ground floor
(And underneath it)
Very nice Albert, next time show your work
Written on the side of a stall, Albert Einstein's famous equation.
The Writings on the Stall!
Entries posted on this site don't necessarily reflect the beliefs of its The Wizard.
ST. JEROME, Quebec -- He assumed it was an airbag -- but it turned out to be the body of a teenager he had hit with his car.
A Canadian man who drove around with an 18-year-old's body lodged in his windshield after hitting him has been sentenced to 3.5 years in prison.
Gilles Francoeur pleaded guilty last year to leaving the scene of an accident in Quebec. The man said at a sentencing hearing that he felt an impact while driving home. He said his windshield broke and he saw something on the passenger seat -- but assumed it was the airbag that deployed.
He said it was only after he went home and then out again that he realized a dead body was stuck in the windshield.
Woman who used fake baby in bank robbery pleads guilty
MINNEAPOLIS - A Minneapolis woman who pretended to be carrying a baby before she held up a bank pleaded guilty Thursday to robbing two banks.
Saundra Lee Coleman, 41, pleaded guilty in U.S. District Court to two counts of bank robbery in a Feb. 20 robbery of a TCF Bank in St. Paul and a March 4 robbery of a TCF Bank in Roseville.
In the February heist, prosecutors said Coleman walked into the bank carrying what appeared to be a child wrapped in blankets and demanded money from the teller. It became apparent the pink and blue blankets weren't covering a baby when the woman started shoving the money into them, the FBI said. No sound came from the bundle. Coleman was arrested a few days after the Roseville robbery. She faces as many as 20 years in prison and a $250,000 fine on each count when she is sentenced by Chief Judge James Rosenbaum. A sentencing date has not been set.