Friday, April 30, 2004
So, here are 100 reasons to be gay. How many can you own up to?
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." "Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."
"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon sign, Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' can't stay on the church roof."
* Thanks Chort!
This one is for all who:
a) have kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) know a kid!
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
*Thanks Pammy =)
If its under warranty, let them do it.
Attempting to troubleshoot your own computer can be a real nightmare. After awhile, you feel like trading your screwdriver for a sledge hammer. I know. I've been there. Before trying to troubleshoot, you must keep a few things in mind:
Beta software: Remember that this software is beta because it still has bugs. Some problems may be the result of this.
Jerry-Rigging: If you have built some strange setup on your computer to "make due", this could result in a problem.(i.e., short cables, missing screws)
Viruses: Scan for viruses. Some of them can do some nasty things.
Here is a list of the current troubleshooting articles:
Check this one thing first
by Justin Shin 8/2/2003
A problem/solution type article for some common networking problems.
by David Risley 4/22/2003
by David Risley 3/30/2001
Some basic steps you should take before contacting any tech support.
by David Risley 3/23/2001
A look at some of the common Windows errors and what they mean.
Thursday, April 29, 2004
(Ottawa) The Canadian government passed legislation Wednesday to include sexuality in the country's hate-crimes law but the gay politician who introduced the measure was not around to savor the victory.
Physical attacks based on sexuality are already illegal in Canada, but, until now gays were not including in a separate act that protects minorities against "promotion of hate" speech.
That the bill ever made it to the floor of the House of Commons was something of a miracle. The legislation was not proposed by the government, but came as a Private Members Bill by New Democrat Svend Robinson. That it was passed by the Commons was considered nothing short of a miracle.
But, Robinson remained in seclusion Wednesday following his announcement he would not seek re-election after a shoplifting scandal involving an expensive engagement ring he wanted to give his longtime boyfriend.
The Senate Wednesday gave final approval to the measure. Throughout its march toward passage the legislation was the subject of heated debate in Parliament and the focus of intense criticism and lobbying by conservative religious groups that maintained it would prevent them from preaching homosexuality is wrong.
The Canadian Association of Chiefs of Police and the Canadian Professional Police Association supported the bill.
Under the new law people who incite violence against gays and lesbians would be subject to fines or imprisonment.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer : Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer : Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer : The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions, correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting! This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.
(No doubt Anderson were at the meeting with the other crocodiles -- The Wizard)
Above: Hanks welcomes the emir of Qatar, Sheikh Hamad al-Thani, to the Oval Office.
"We're thrilled to have Tom sitting at the president's desk this week," White House press secretary Scott McClellan said Tuesday. "It's truly an honor that this beloved star and two-time Oscar winner took time from his busy schedule to guest-lead the nation. It's been a lot of fun so far, and we have even more great meetings lined up for the next couple days, so make sure to check the news."
It's the first guest-president gig for Hanks, who took the reins Monday, but McClellan said the actor's political inexperience is not a liability. Citing Hanks' "amiable yet commanding presence" and "seamless interfacing with diverse policymakers and diplomats," McClellan characterized the Hollywood insider as a "born leader."
"Some guest presidents breeze into a cabinet meeting or state dinner thinking they can get by on star power—and generally, they can," McClellan said. "But Tom's unique, low-key, everyman persona sets him apart from the others. It endears him to everyone he meets, from the high-level diplomat to the Minority Whip."
Jill: There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.
John: Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous.
Jill: I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.
John: You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?
Jill: In the pool.
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
As Friends prepares to wrap-up and head into permanent reruns the show's writers are heading to court amid claims they questioned David Schwimmer's sexuality.
According to the New York Post, former writing assistant Amaani Lyle is suing the show and its writers for sexual harassment.
Lyle claims that the male writers routinely made disparaging sex and sexuality jokes, implying at one time that Schwimmer, who plays Ross, could be gay and on another occasion joked about turning Matt LeBlanc’s character Joey into a serial rapist.
The writers named in the lawsuit have all strongly denied the claims. Any talk of sex was necessary to the plot of the sometimes-raunchy comedy, their lawyer Adam Levin, told the paper.
He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little boy.
So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the snow, laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it."
"What's it called? Eve asked.
"Brains" God said.
KANSAS CITY, MO—Republican lawmakers and conservative religious groups blasted the National Endowment For The Arts & Crafts Tuesday, claiming that the organization has allocated federal funds for "obscene crafts."
The $15,000 grant in question was awarded last October to Detroit arts & craftsman Albert Kahle, 39, for a nine-foot macramé penis titled "Father (By Mother)," which is currently part of the Macramazement! exhibit at the prestigious National Gallery Of Arts & Crafts in Kansas City, MO.
"'Father (By Mother)' is neither art nor craft," House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-TX) said. "It's trash. The fact that American taxpayers are paying for this kind of lewd handiwork is outrageous."
The macramé-work phallus comprises three discrete elements: testicles, shaft, and head. The testicles are knotted in Double Alternating Lark's Head style and decorated with black maple beads. The shaft of the penis, knotted of Tammy's Hemp Cord in flesh tone, is embellished with subtle strands of Half-Knot sinnet cord in light blue and Amy's Cord in pale lavender. The head, the most detailed portion of the work, is embellished with a spray of silver glitter.
Click here for more...
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they wouldn't tell anyone about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives went on and on about her youthful look.
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
The Earth Woman goes with the Martian guy and when they are naked the Woman looks to Martian's Penis and is 1 inch long and not very thick.. She says" You know I do not think will work!
He said: why?
She: Well is not long enough..
Now the Martian guy is starts hitting his forhead and guess what? His penis was growing in length with half of inch for every hit of his forhead until it reaches 12 inches..
She:Wow you see is good but still kind of thin..
Him: Starts now to pull his ears...and evey time he pulls his ears his penis was growing in diameter of 1/4of inch..
She was very pleased...
Next day she asked her Earth man how it was..
He said: well was fine but I have a headache and my ears are hurting because I do not know WHY, but the Martian woman was keep pulling my ears and hitting my forhead...
I received an unsolicted email this morning. I do not have any Quest software... so I did some digging before I clicked on the link...
Now, though Quest has been aquired by Aelita, this particular email appears bogus, so I did not go to the website or click on the links in the email.
This was because even though the "end" transmission of going to the website MAY take me to Aelita.com, In between it looks to me like a spammer, or virus writer would hijack my click and take me to a webpage that they have made up to fool people and collect personal information. ("Can you say identity theft? Sure. I knew you could!"), Or take you to a page of their design and load a worm on your computer just by opening the webpage.
Or am I just being paranold? You decide. I have never gotten a virus or trojan on my computer. Ever. Better safe than sorry, I always say....
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of bird-strike to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA responded with a one-line memo:
"Thaw the chicken."
Monday, April 26, 2004
A couple of things I should let you know... Most often, when I post a link I have it spawn in a new browser window... This is to facilitate the navigation of 'OZ'. If you click on a link and it doesn't work, check your POP-UP blocker. If you have the Google Toolbar, its as simple as clicking the "Allow pop-ups on this site". If the toolbar just says 'X# blocked' then push that button and it will allow pop ups on 'OZ' only. It will NOT affect other sites. If you have other pop up blocking software, and you are unable to click on the links, please refer to the software's documentation.
Also, I have added the ability for you to make comments and give me feedback on each separate post. I welcome comments always, and you don't even have to put down your real name or even enter an email address... The Wizard is just happy that people are reading 'OZ' and is always looking for suggestions, topics to post etc. Tell me you like it-- tell me you hate it! Doesn't matter, and I could use the criticism. I have regular readers and would definitely appreciate the feedback!
Lastly, I have changed a few things on my blog layout. If you have not refreshed my page recently, please do so now (hold down the 'Shift' Key and press at the top of your browser), and you will be treated to a wonderful jazz rendition of "Over The Rainbow", plus some new graphics! Thank You!
My ABSOLUTE favourite burger!
Miami—Burger King Corp. "brought back" co-founder Dave Edgerton, 76, to help improve the Whopper so that it "tastes more like the original," according to USA Today. Upgrades reportedly include a larger bun, fresher lettuce, thicker tomato slices, coarser ground beef and the elimination of "artificial mayo," which will be replaced by real mayonnaise.
USA Today did not detail the terms of Edgerton's return to the burger chain, but said he would be helping the company's CEO Brad Blum and corporate chef Peter Gibbons.
The Whopper improvements apparently will be in units later this summer. -Nation's Restaurant News
The chemical has all the firefighting properties of water, yet it will not cause the damage to items that is usually associated with water.
As part of a demonstration, Pelton submerged several items into a tank of Sapphire that was on the Good Morning America set. Books did not get wet. Electronics were not be destroyed. Items that were submerged in the liquid were dried in a matter of seconds, and showed no ill effects according to Charles Gibson, Diane Sawyer and other members of the Good Morning America staff who saw items plunged into it.
Charles Gibson/Good Morning America: "It looks like water, but it's not."
The Ansul Sapphire Fire Suppression System would automatically spray the chemical out of a building's sprinkler system when a fire is detected.
Dave Pelton/Tyco Fire and Security: "This material would protect various artifacts, collections. You could use it in museums, libraries, places of cultural property."
There was a substance that had similar properties produced in the past, but that fire suppression liquid was damaging the ozone layer. The new substance by Tyco is supposed to be environmentally safe.
(© 2004 by WPVI-TV 6 and ABC News. All rights reserved.)
Sunday, April 25, 2004
FAYETTEVILLE, ARK - A football fan with a cellular phone in his pocket equipped with one-touch buttons called the 911 emergency number 35 times by standing up and sitting down while cheering. Police eventually traced it to Razorback Stadium where the man was held for questioning and scolded..
Mark's paintings instantly trigger a warped deja vu. His work recalls a parallel universe of 1950s Golden Books and the whimsy of Lewis Carroll. His cheery bunnies, rendered in the glowing hues of children’s books, are likely to be carving slabs of meat rather than frolicking in the forest. Ryden’s work mingles superb technique with outre images to create a world of strange and disturbing beauty. “At once intriguing and unsettling, baffling and enchanting, [Ryden’s] works ... are subtle amalgams of many sources and influences as wide-ranging as Psychedelic and Vienna School artists Neon Park and Ernst Fuchs, to classical French formalists Ingres and David.” --Rick Gilbert-Panik
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get
there, St. Peter says,
"We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they
try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter
chains them together and says
"Your punishment for stepping on a duck is! ... to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along
comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another
extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment
as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for
all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She
manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes
on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them
together without saying a word. The woman remarks,
"I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says,
"I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words. The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing can be highly entertaining.
"Coming home, I drove into the wrong driveway and collided with a tree I don't have."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
"In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck a pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."
"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."
"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."
"I noticed smoke rising from under the bonnet. Realizing the car was on fire, I pulled over, took out my dog, and smothered it with a blanket."
"The driver in front of me hit a pedestrian. He got up from where he lay, so I hit him again."
The Volvo XC90 made of LEGO bricks was built by LEGO Master Model Builders, members of an elite team of talented artists who design, create and maintain the thousands of LEGO brick models at LEGOLAND California.
"By encouraging safety as a learned behavior at an early age, we all benefit - it's never too early to learn about the rules of the road," said Doolan, (President and CEO of Volvo Cars of North America).
Saturday, April 24, 2004
Three engineers are riding in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly the car stalls and stops by the side of the road. The three engineers look at each other with bewilderment, wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer, not knowing much about mechanics, suggests, "Let's strip down the electronics of the car and try to trace where a fault might have occurred."
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about electronics, suggests, "Maybe the fuel has become emulsified and is causing a blockage somewhere in the system."
The Microsoft engineer suggests, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it will work."
One legend holds that Judy Garland's funeral, held June 27, 1969, in Manhattan, fanned the flames of gay rage. Other versions of the story claim that dozens of sequined drag queens and a mysterious, unidentified butch lesbian were at the forefront of the street rebellion. But a few facts seem certain.
It was often larger than the other identifying triangles so as to allow homosexuals to be avoided and singled out at a distance. Between 10,000 and 600,000 gay men and women died in the Holocaust. In the 1970s, gay liberation groups resurrected the pink triangle as a popular symbol for the gay rights movement.
Not only is the symbol easily recognized, but it draws attention to oppression and persecution -- then and now. Today, for many the pink triangle represents pride, solidarity, and a promise to never allow another Holocaust to happen again.
Friday, April 23, 2004
Being warm and full
Being satiated with the joy
That comes from love
It is the heat of the heart
The smell of warm food for the mind
For the body, for the soul
It is knowing you are wanted
It is knowing the future will be good
It is the eternal state of bliss
Thursday, April 22, 2004
There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Canada.
Well, there's a very simple answer...... Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alberta. All our dipsticks are in Ottawa.
"Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous."
Underneath, a nurse had written: "The last five are pretty risky, too."
This is a true story from a word processor program company's helpline, in the days before Windows. It was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department, and the helpdesk employee was fired as a result.
"Computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with your program."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"It's blank. It won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in the program, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's the sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light on it that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"..... Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"...... OK, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh, huh. Well, can you see if it is."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"No, why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power ... A power failure? Aha, OK, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them. Unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store where you bought it."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too smart to own a computer."
Saturday, April 17, 2004
One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. How come?
2) Manhole Covers
Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?
This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle which can be solved by lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for prospective employees.
3) The Deadly Party
A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?
4) Trouble with Sons
A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so?
5) The Man in the Bar
A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out.
This puzzle has claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its statement, absolutely baffling and yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it out.
Click here for the answers.