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Thursday, April 26, 2018

The Greatest J-O-K-E-S in the World!


WHY PARENTS DRINK
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "ME."



TA TA, DADDY
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"


THE STUPID TEACHER
It was the first day of school, and the kindergarten teacher was standing in front of her class. She said to them, “Ok children, before we get started, I want to make sure none of you think you are dumb. Because none of you are. If you think you are stupid, please stand up.” She waited for a couple of minutes, but no one stood up. One boy stood up and the teacher asked, “Now Bobby, do you really think you are stupid?”

Bobby answered, “Well, no ma’am. But I didn’t want you to be the only one standing.”


SPAGHETTI
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife."Honey,"she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."

Silly Animal Poses, not ready for the camera

from ViralNova.com
Mr. Ed was a social pariah before he was famous.
Tonight, I'll steal your 3 day-old garbage. Eeexxxxcellent.
This is why donkeys don't get dates.
For some reason, no one visits Leo at the zoo.
Falling in love can look spectacularly awkward.
I can has... tongue?
ERMAGHERD, HERMANS.
OMGWHAT?
click here for more!

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

TWO OLD GUYS DANCING

We all know Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly were great dancers but they weren't the only ones.

Here are James Cagney and Bob Hope at a Friar's Club Meeting in 1955, back when actors were real performers; Hope was 52 and Cagney was 56.

This looks like it's from a movie, not a routine from a Friar's Club meeting. Doesn't take away from it though! For the young folks, here is something you’ve probably never seen before and, unfortunately, you may never see again.

For us older folks, this is the best of the best, and we had it for many years! This is a side of these two entertainers you hardly ever saw, but it shows you their enormous talent.

Bob Hope, the best of comedians, and James Cagney, mostly cast as the bad guy, a gangster in the movies.



Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can't change.
Life's too short to be anything... but happy.

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN...?

Do you remember?
All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?

It took five minutes for the TV warm up?

Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school?

Nobody owned a purebred dog?

When a quarter was a decent allowance?

You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?

Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces??

All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels?

You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time? And you didn't pay for air? And, you got trading stamps to boot?

Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?

It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents?

They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. . . and they did? When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady?

No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?

Lying on your back in the grass with your friends? and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a... "?

Playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?

Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?

And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace? Share it with the children of today?

When being sent to the principal's office was nothingcompared to the fate that awaited the student at home?

Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.? Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! ? But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.

Send this post on to someone who can still remember Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy, Howdy Dowdy and the Peanut Gallery, the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows,Nellie Bell,Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk . .as well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.

Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that"?

And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too young to care.

How many of these do you remember? Candy cigarettes . Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.

Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes.

Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum.

Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers.

Newsreels before the movie.?

P.F. Fliers.?

Telephone numbers with a word prefix...(Raymond 4-601). Party lines.

Peashooters.

Howdy Dowdy.

Hi-Fi's & 45 RPM records.

78 RPM records!

Green Stamps.

Mimeograph paper.? (killed a few brain cells sniffing that purple ink!)(ditto machine)

The Fort Apache Play Set.

Do you remember a time when...?

Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"?

"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?

Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening?

It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"?

Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot?

Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?

"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense?

Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team??

War was a card game?

Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?

Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?

If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!!

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Moses Supposes - Singin' in the Rain

They don't make em like this anymore...

A Dark Brown Dog

by Stephen Crane

A Dark-Brown dog and the accompanying illustrations were published in Cosmopolitan, March 1901. The story was probably written in the summer of 1893.

A Child was standing on a street-corner. He leaned with one shoulder against a high board-fence and swayed the other to and fro, the while kicking carelessly at the gravel.

Sunshine beat upon the cobbles, and a lazy summer wind raised yellow dust which trailed in clouds down the avenue. Clattering trucks moved with indistinctness through it. The child stood dreamily gazing.

After a time, a little dark-brown dog came trotting with an intent air down the sidewalk. A short rope was dragging from his neck. Occasionally he trod upon the end of it and stumbled.

He stopped opposite the child, and the two regarded each other. The dog hesitated for a moment, but presently he made some little advances with his tail. The child put out his hand and called him. In an apologetic manner the dog came close, and the two had an interchange of friendly pattings and waggles. The dog became more enthusiastic with each moment of the interview, until with his gleeful caperings he threatened to overturn the child. Whereupon the child lifted his hand and struck the dog a blow upon the head.

This thing seemed to overpower and astonish the little dark-brown dog, and wounded him to the heart. He sank down in despair at the child's feet. When the blow was repeated, together with an admonition in childish sentences, he turned over upon his back, and held his paws in a peculiar manner. At the same time with his ears and his eyes he offered a small prayer to the child.

Presently he struggled to his feet and started after the child.He looked so comical on his back, and holding his paws

peculiarly, that the child was greatly amused and gave him little taps repeatedly, to keep him so. But the little dark-brown dog took this chastisement in the most serious way, and no doubt considered that he had committed some grave crime, for he wriggled contritely and showed his repentance in every way that was in his power. He pleaded with the child and petitioned him, and offered more prayers.

At last the child grew weary of this amusement and turned toward home. The dog was praying at the time. He lay on his back and turned his eyes upon the retreating form.

Presently he struggled to his feet and started after the child. The latter wandered in a perfunctory way toward his home, stopping at times to investigate various matters. During one of these pauses he discovered the little dark-brown dog who was following him with the air of a footpad.

The child beat his pursuer with a small stick he had found. The dog lay down and prayed until the child had finished, and resumed his journey. Then he scrambled erect and took up the pursuit again.

On the way to his home the child turned many times and beat the dog, proclaiming with childish gestures that he held him in contempt as an unimportant dog, with no value save for a moment. For being this quality of animal the dog apologized and eloquently expressed regret, but he continued stealthily to follow the child. His manner grew so very guilty that he slunk like an assassin.

When the child reached his door-step, the dog was industriously ambling a few yards in the rear. He became so agitated with shame when he again confronted the child that he forgot the dragging rope. He tripped upon it and fell forward.

The child sat down on the step and the two had another interview. During it the dog greatly exerted himself to please the child. He performed a few gambols with such abandon that the child suddenly saw him to be a valuable thing. He made a swift, avaricious charge and seized the rope.

He dragged his captive into a hall and up many long stairways in a dark tenement. The dog made willing efforts, but he could not hobble very skillfully up the stairs because he was very small and soft, and at last the pace of the engrossed child grew so energetic that the dog became panic-stricken. In his mind he was being dragged toward a grim unknown. His eyes grew wild with the terror of it. He began to wiggle his head frantically and to brace his legs.

The child redoubled his exertions. They had a battle on the stairs. The child was victorious because he was completely absorbed in his purpose, and because the dog was very small. He dragged his acquirement to the door of his home, and finally with triumph across the threshold.

Presently he struggled to his feet and started after the child.No one was in. The child sat down on the floor and made overtures to the dog. These the dog
instantly accepted. He beamed with affection upon his new friend. In a short time they were firm and abiding comrades.

When the child's family appeared, they made a great row. The dog was examined and commented upon and called names. Scorn was leveled at him from all eyes, so that he became much embarrassed and drooped like a scorched plant. But the child went sturdily to the center of the floor, and, at the top of his voice, championed the dog. It happened that he was roaring protestations, with his arms clasped about the dog's neck, when the father of the family came in from work.

The parent demanded to know what the blazes they were making the kid howl for. It was explained in many words that the infernal kid wanted to introduce a disreputable dog into the family.

A family council was held. On this depended the dog's fate, but he in no way heeded, being busily engaged in chewing the end of the child's dress.

The affair was quickly ended. The father of the family, it appears, was in a particularly savage temper that evening, and when he perceived that it would amaze and anger everybody if such a dog were allowed to remain, he decided that it should be so. The child, crying softly, took his friend off to a retired part of the room to hobnob with him, while the father quelled a fierce rebellion of his wife. So it came to pass that the dog was a member of the household.

He and the child were associated together at all times save when the child slept. The child became a guardian and a friend. If the large folk kicked the dog and threw things at him, the child made loud and violent objections. Once when the child had run, protesting loudly, with tears raining down his face and his arms outstretched, to protect his friend, he had been struck in the head with a very large saucepan from the hand of his father, enraged at some seeming lack of courtesy in the dog. Ever after, the family were careful how they threw things at the dog. Moreover, the latter grew very skilful in avoiding missiles and feet. In a small room containing a stove, a table, a bureau and some chairs, he would display strategic ability of a high order, dodging, feinting and scuttling about among the furniture. He could force three or four people armed with brooms, sticks and handfuls of coal, to use all their ingenuity to get in a blow. And even when they did, it was seldom that they could do him a serious injury or leave any imprint.

But when the child was present, these scenes did not occur. It came to be recognized that if the dog was molested, the child would burst into sobs, and as the child, when started, was very riotous and practically unquenchable, the dog had therein a safeguard.

However, the child could not always be near. At night, when he was asleep, his dark-brown friend would raise from some black corner a wild, wailful cry, a song of infinite lowliness and despair, that would go shuddering and sobbing among the buildings of the block and cause people to swear. At these times the singer would often be chased all over the kitchen and hit with a great variety of articles.

Sometimes, too, the child himself used to beat the dog, although it is not known that he ever had what could be truly called a just cause. The dog always accepted these thrashings with an air of admitted guilt. He was too much of a dog to try to look to be a martyr or to plot revenge. He received the blows with deep humility, and furthermore he forgave his friend the moment the child had finished, and was ready to caress the child's hand with his little red tongue.

When misfortune came upon the child, and his troubles overwhelmed him, he would often crawl under the table and lay his small distressed head on the dog's back. The dog was ever sympathetic. It is not to be supposed that at such times he took occasion to refer to the unjust beatings his friend, when provoked, had administered to him.

He did not achieve any notable degree of intimacy with the other members of the family. He had no confidence in them, and the fear that he would express at their casual approach often exasperated them exceedingly. They used to gain a certain satisfaction in underfeeding him, but finally his friend the child grew to watch the matter with some care, and when he forgot it, the dog was often successful in secret for himself.

So the dog prospered. He developed a large bark, which came wondrously from such a small rug of a dog. He ceased to howl persistently at night. Sometimes, indeed, in his sleep, he would utter little yells, as from pain, but that occurred, no doubt, when in his dreams he encountered huge flaming dogs who threatened him direfully.

His devotion to the child grew until it was a sublime thing. He wagged at his approach; he sank down in despair at his departure. He could detect the sound of the child's step among all the noises of the neighborhood. It was like a calling voice to him.

The scene of their companionship was a kingdom governed by this terrible potentate, the child; but neither criticism nor rebellion ever lived for an instant in the heart of the one subject. Down in the mystic, hidden fields of his little dog-soul bloomed flowers of love and fidelity and perfect faith.

The child was in the habit of going on many expeditions to observe strange things in the vicinity. On these occasions his friend usually jogged aimfully along behind. Perhaps, though, he went ahead. This necessitated his turning around every quarter-minute to make sure the child was coming. He was filled with a large idea of the importance of these journeys. He would carry himself with such an air! He was proud to be the retainer of so great a monarch.

One day, however, the father of the family got quite exceptionally drunk. He came home and held carnival with the cooking utensils, the furniture and his wife. He was in the midst of this recreation when the child, followed by the dark-brown dog, entered the room. They were returning from their voyages.

He was the picture of a little dark-brown dog en route to a friend.The child's practised eye
instantly noted his father's state. He dived under the table, where experience had taught him was a rather safe place. The dog, lacking skill in such matters, was, of course, unaware of the true condition of affairs. He looked with interested eyes at his friend's sudden dive. He interpreted it to mean: Joyous gambol. He started to patter across the floor to join him. He was the picture of a little dark-brown dog en route to a friend.

The head of the family saw him at this moment. He gave a huge howl of joy, and knocked the dog down with a heavy coffee-pot. The dog, yelling in supreme astonishment and fear, writhed to his feet and ran for cover. The man kicked out with a ponderous foot. It caused the dog to swerve as if caught in a tide. A second blow of the coffee-pot laid him upon the floor.

Here the child, uttering loud cries, came valiantly forth like a knight. The father of the family paid no attention to these calls of the child, but advanced with glee upon the dog. Upon being knocked down twice in swift succession, the latter apparently gave up all hope of escape. He rolled over on his back and held his paws in a peculiar manner. At the same time with his eyes and his ears he offered up a small prayer.

But the father was in a mood for having fun, and it occurred to him that it would be a fine thing to throw the dog out of the window. So he reached down and grabbing the animal by a leg, lifted him, squirming, up. He swung him two or three times hilariously about his head, and then flung him with great accuracy through the window.

The soaring dog created a surprise in the block. A woman watering plants in an opposite window gave an involuntary shout and dropped a flower-pot. A man in another window leaned perilously out to watch the flight of the dog. A woman, who had been hanging out clothes in a yard, began to caper wildly. Her mouth was filled with clothes-pins, but her arms gave vent to a sort of exclamation. In appearance she was like a gagged prisoner. Children ran whooping.

The dark-brown body crashed in a heap on the roof of a shed five stories below. From thence it rolled to the pavement of an alleyway.
The child in the room far above burst into a long, dirgelike cry, and toddled hastily out of the room. It took him a long time to reach the alley, because his size compelled him to go downstairs backward, one step at a time, and holding with both hands to the step above....they found him seated by the body of his dark-brown friend. When they came for him later, they found him seated by 
the body of his dark-brownfriend.

Twelve Strange But True Stories

by Will and Guy

1) A widow from Croatia has submitted to the Guinness Book of Records a pickled cucumber. She claims it is the oldest in the world and was pickled by her mother-in-law on the birth of her late husband in 1930.

Sadly the cucumber survived longer than her husband.

There is an urban myth that the holder of the equivalent English record is a Yorkshire man called Mr Wally Gherkin.

2) A friend of Will's named Thomas Irwin, once owned a dog and a cat and they were named Kate and Sidney Pie. When Tom visited the veterinary clinic the receptionist thought his name must be Mr Pie.

3) One of the British national daily newspapers has been asking for comments about: 'what it means to be British'. Here is a comment from a chap in Switzerland who lived in Britain for 12 years.

'Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV; and the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.'

4) The West Sussex, England, Fire Brigade were invited to a local Primary School to talk to the children about fire safety in the home. One of the firemen let off a smoke alarm, which made its customary high-pitched noise. The 6 year olds were asked
what the noise represented. A little boy's hand went up and he answered, 'That's mummy cooking dinner.'

5) In Budapest, early in January 2006, firemen were needed to lift a 50 stone woman from her home so that she could attend hospital.

They need to remove a window and break down the wall so that the bed could be strapped to a forklift truck. This took 13 firemen 5 hours.

The unnamed woman is now in hospital on a weight loss programme.

6) In Eliat, Israel, at the turn of the year 2006, an English woman married a dolphin in a ceremony where she wore a white dress and a pink tiara.

She had been visiting Cindy, the dolphin for some 15 years. The woman dived in with Cindy and she gave him a hug and told the dolphin that she loved him.

7) It is reported that among the items left behind at Osama bin Laden's headquarters in Afghanistan were 27 issues of Mad Magazine. Al Qaeda members have admitted that bin Laden is an avid reader.

8) In 1843, a Parisian street mime artiste got stuck in his imaginary box and consequently died of starvation. [This sounds like an April Fool's Day joke to me or at least a spoof says Will.]

9) Did you know? It is impossible to lick your elbow.

10) An Anglican monk has become the first person to travel around all 25 EU [European Union] countries by public transport. Brother Michael Bartlett, 64, covered 10,000 miles with a Eurolines coach pass.

Brother Michael, from Sandy, in Bedfordshire, UK, began his marathon journey in Malta and finished in Dublin to establish the record.

He now holds 20 different bizarre travel records including the most flights in 24 hours at 42.

11) A form of sanitation in New York City was maintained in the 1840's that included the use of thousands of pigs, which roamed the street and ate all the garbage.

12) Marcel Berlins the, Lawyer and Guardian journalist, has recently recounted how much time he has saved in his life by ignoring anything to do with the books and films of JRR Tolkien and JK Rowling.

On hearing mention of anything to do with Hobbits or Harry Potter, Berlins claims to, '....switch off and go into a catatonic state, only to emerge when the subject was changed.'

In this way he has, (by the end of 2005), saved a whole year in time: his problem, ......is: what to do with it?

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

humandescent - animal morphs

An artist who moprphs animals together to create new and improved animals! Click on one of the images below to see more of his work!
 Click here to see more art
Pencat
Pencat

The Extreme Minuet: World's Fastest Orchestra

What is a fact about Canada that most people don't know?

Canadaian Apology
(Not true)
by Steven Haddock, 3rd generation (or so) Canadian & lifelong resident; political science major

That it was incredibly lucky that British Columbia is part of Canada today.

It's 1857. The Hudson's Bay Company controls the land east of the Rocky Mountains. There is a British colony on Vancouver Island. However, what's now British Columbia wasn't under the control of anyone. Sure, there was a border agreement between Britain and the United States where the British gave up their claims on Washington and Oregon, but the status of the land north of the 49th parallel is still in question. The very real problem is that the area is largely unexplored and, apart from the First Nations, largely uninhabited by Brits or Americans. Both sides have fir trading posts on the Pacific coast, and the HBC administers them, but unlike the other side of the Rockies, the HBC has no land rights over the British Pacific.

Then, the apocalypse that changed everything - the 1857 Fraser River Gold Rush.

Tens of thousands of Europeans flooded into the interior, clashing with the First Nations as they went. Most of them were Americans. Although there was technically a "border" and technically you weren't allowed to cross it except by stopping in Victoria first, this was largely ignored.

Read more at Quora

Gross out picture of the day

YOU LOST AT LIMP BISCUIT!!!!!

Monday, April 23, 2018

Jenny Craig for men


A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up..

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

Signs

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************


On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
*************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up."
**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully We'll wait."
**************************

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************

And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**************************

And the best one for last............
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

Infomercial HELL


Click here to go to Infomercial Hell

Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners


In a Hurry

A husband and wife entered the dentist's room. He said, "I want a tooth pulled. We are in a hurry - so no Novocain or gas. Just pull the tooth out."

You are a brave man,” said the dentist. "Now show me the tooth"
"Open your mouth,” said the man to his wife "and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
HYUK!

Playroom Drama
Hearing a scream from the playroom, the mother rushed in and found her infant daughter pulling the hair of her four-year-old bother.

After separating them, the mother said to her son, “Don’t be upset with your sister, honey. She didn’t know she was hurting you.”

No sooner had the mother returned to he chores than she heard more screaming. This time she rushed in and found the baby crying. “Now what happened?” she asked.

“Nothing,” said the boy, “except that now she knows.”

HYUK!


Drink Til She's Hot
A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out.

Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy, "Excuse me, but I noticed that every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket."

The guy slurs, "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good."
HYUK!

Customer Needs
A customer at a counter of a garden ornament shop said to the cashier, “Give me four of those pinwheels, two of those pink flamingos, two of those sunflowers, and one of those bent-over grandmas in bloomers.”

The cashier replied “that’ll be eight dollars for the pinwheels, ten for the flamingos, six for the sunflowers, and an apology for my wife!”
HYUK!

A Worn Out Lamp
Once there was this young who discovered a treasure trove.

Amongst the old and valuable things he noticed a worn out lamp.

He rubbed the lamp and out came the genie.

"Yes master, express your wish", the genie howled.

The man said, "Genie get me a grand villa where I can live happily ever after with my girlfriend".

The genie looked at the man and said, "Well, if I could make a villa like that, then why the hell do you suppose I live in this stuffy worn out lamp?"

HYUK!

Hunters Safety
Two avid hunters take a hunter's safety class in which they learn that the universal signal for an emergency is three shots in the air.

Sure enough, on their next hunting trip the two men get lost.

One says to the other, "What shall we do?"

The other says, I know fire three shots in the air and someone may come to find us.

He fires off three shots, and they wait two hours. No sign of help.

What shall we do? Fire off three more shots. So he does. Three hours later there is no response and it is getting dark. The one says "Shall we try again?"

The other says, "I guess not... I only have two arrows left...
HYUK!

The Pearly Gates
There is a knock on the pearly gates.

Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there.

Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears.

A moment later there’s another knock.

Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again.

“Hey, are you playing games with me?” Saint Peter calls after him, rather annoyed.

“No” the man’s distant voice replies anxiously. “They are trying to resuscitate me.”
HYUK!

Wooo Wooo
A tourist and his trail guide were walking along a path when all of a sudden the guide runs up the hillside to a cave, yells "Wooo wooo," listens for a moment, and goes charging into the cave, stripping off his clothes on the run.

He returns in about 15 minutes.

The same scenario occurs again, after which the tourist asks about this strange behavior.

The guide explains that if one of the young ladies of his town is in an amorous mood, she goes into a dark cave.

If she hears "Wooo wooo," she responds "Wooo wooo" to signal that she is ready and willing.

No one knows who is who and everyone is happy.

The tourist is amazed and asks if he might partake in this local custom at the next cave.

The guide doesn’t see any problem with this.

At the next cave the tourist runs to the entrance and calls out "Wooo wooo."

To his delight, he hears a sonorous and enticing "Wooo wooo" sung back to him from the recesses of the cave.

He takes off his clothes, rushes headlong into the cave, and gets run over by a train.
HYUK!

Accounting Position
A company is interviewing applicants for an accountancy position, and the three finalists have been chosen.

The first one is called in, and asked, "What is two plus two?"

She answers, "Four," and is asked to leave.

The second finalist is called in, and asked the same question, "What is two plus two?"

He also answers, "Four," and is also asked to leave.

The third and final applicant is called in, and yet again asked, "What is two plus two?"

He answers, "What do you want it to be?"
HYUK!

Hike In The Woods
Mike, Jack, and Gary go for a hike in the woods.

They are out about an hour enjoying the sights when they come around a sharp bend in the trail and spot a bear just in front of them feeding off some vegetation next to the trail.

The bear lets out a menacing growl when it notices the hikers.

Mike says "jump up and down, make some noise to scare it away".

Jack says “that won't work, we need to play dead".

They both ask Gary “what do we do?"

There is no reply. Turning around they see Gary far down the trail behind them.
HYUK!

Dinner Time!
It was dinner time on a British Airways flight from London to New York.

As the flight attendant moved down the plane, she asked one of the passengers: “Would you like dinner?”

“What are my choices?” asked the passenger.

“Yes or No,” replied the attendant.
HYUK!

Deer Hunting
A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day.

That night, one hunter retuned alone, staggering under an eight-point buck.

“Where is Mike?” asked another hunter.

“He fainted a couple of miles up the trail,” Mike’s partner answered.

“You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?”

“A tough call,” said the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Mike.”
HYUK!

Pop The Question
Frank was madly in love with Susan, but couldn’t get up enough courage to pop the question face to face.

Finally he decided to ask her on the telephone.

“Darling! He blurted out, “Will you marry me?”

“Of course, I will, you silly boy,” she replied, “Who’s speaking?”
HYUK!

A Clever Riddle..
A man left home one morning.

He turned right and ran straight ahead.

Then he turned left.

After awhile, he turned left again, running faster than ever.

Then he turned left once more and decided to go home.

In the distance he could see two masked men waiting for him.

Who were they?

The umpire and the catcher, it was a baseball game!
clapping

Sunday, April 22, 2018

Loving wife

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: ‘Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain…do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!’

His wife responds: ‘He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.’

Do you find him punny?

10 Ways To Love

10 Ways To Love

The Love Doctor

The Love Doctor On my website travels I have come across a great example of the stages of a relationship. Read on and enjoy.

Why do some relationships break up and others last a lifetime?
One reason is that relationships go through 5 predictable relationship stages, each building on the last.


By understanding the 5 stages of a relationship, you can be better prepared to navigate through each stage successfully and not get “stuck” in any of them.


Here are the 5 stages of a relationship (as identified by Dr. Susan Campbell during a study of hundreds of couples):


1. The Romance Stage
2. The Power Struggle Stage
3. The Stability Stage
4. The Commitment Stage
5. The Co-Creation or Bliss Stage


I’d spend more time on the first two stages, because those are the relationship stages that most couples never get past.


Click here to read all about each stage.

The Love Doctor

--Send your questions about love to "The Love Doctor" directly from 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow! I have added an email link that goes direct to The Love Doctor - this will enable quicker responses from him. You can do this by clicking on his picture in the sidebar and put your question in the email. This will ensure that The Love Doctor gets your question. The Love Doctor forwards his replies to me for posting consideration. Note: Due to the high volume of letters that The Love Doctor receives, not all letters will be posted on 'OZ' - but the Love Doctor will reply to every email. (so he says)

Saturday, April 21, 2018

The Chameleon

The Chameleon fail
Get it? LOL!

IF's, WHY's, TRUTH's and PHILOSOPHY

1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.....

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, "IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE."

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD "LISP" TO HAVE "S" IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

Names, Names, Names

Interesting look at names, yours and mine and thousands of others, presented in a unique way.

Totally cool! (and amazingly accurate!)

Click here.

Two ears... One Mouth...