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Sunday, November 19, 2017

IF...

If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.

If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.

If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once.

If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.

If something is confidential, it will be left in the photocopy machine.

If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.

If 'success' consisted simply of not taking chances, then 'glory' would be at the disposal of the most mediocre talent.

If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions are not likely to be very good.

If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero.

If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists, the event will take place, usually during a demonstration.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

If there isn't a law, there will be.

If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of 10 - it will.

If there is light at the end of the tunnel...order more tunnel.

If things were left to chance, they would be better.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

If you aim for the stars but only make it to the moon, remember there are people who have not yet made it to the moon.

If you are already in a hole, stop digging.

If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.

If you are coasting, you're going downhill.

If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.

If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line.

If you are worried about being crazy, don't be overly concerned. If you were, you would think you were sane.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them. - Harry S. Truman

If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

If you cannot fix it, feature it.

If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights.

If you cannot measure output, then you measure input.

If you cannot hope for order, withdraw from the chaos with style.

If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.

If you did what you always did, you'll get what you always got.

If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.

If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.

If you do not care where you are, then you aren't lost.

If you do not change direction, you are likely to end up where you are headed.

If you do not know what you're doing, do it neatly.

If you do not like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.

If you do not understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.

If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.

If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it. If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is.

If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.

If you have got them by the testicles, their hearts and minds will follow.

If somebody’s got you by the balls, you’re in a perfect position to piss on them.

If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.

If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.

If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know.

If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.

If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.

If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a prophet.

If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you.

If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break.

If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, you better wear work shoes.

If you put it off long enough, it might go away.

If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life.

If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, promptly develops.

If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.

If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line.

If you think that OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you're in trouble.

If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.

If you throw something away, you will need it the next day.

If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.

If you understand it, it is obsolete.

TO ALL MY INTELLIGENT READERS

See if you can figure out what these words have in common.

1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess


Are you peeking or have you already given up? Give it another try....

Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer. This is so cool.....

No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters....







Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out? No? Then send to more people and stump them as well. Then, you'll feel better too.

How to identify a "Mad" cow...

This is a PowerPoint presentation. ~800KB

Click here

Crazy Pole Dancer!

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Malcolm Young, AC/DC guitarist and co-founder, dead at 64

from CBSNews via deathbeeper.com

NEW YORK -- Malcolm Young, the rhythm guitarist and guiding force behind the bawdy hard rock band AC/DC who helped create such head-banging anthems as "Highway to Hell," ''Hells Bells" and "Back in Black," has died. He was 64.

Click here for a news video from CBS.com

"With enormous dedication and commitment he was the driving force behind the band," the band said on its website. "As a guitarist, songwriter and visionary he was a perfectionist and a unique man. He always stuck to his guns and did and said exactly what he wanted."

Young founded the Australian rock band with his brother Angus in 1973. He was the group's rhythm guitarist until 2014, when the band announced he was taking a leave of absence for health reasons. It was later revealed he had been diagnosed for dementia.

The family put out a statement posted on the band's website calling Young a "visionary who inspired many."

Today it is with deep heartfelt sadness that AC/DC has to announce the passing of Malcolm Young.

Malcolm, along with Angus, was the founder and creator of AC/DC.
Malcolm Young, AC/DC guitarist and co-founder, dead at 64
With enormous dedication and commitment he was the driving force behind the band.

As a guitarist, songwriter and visionary he was a perfectionist and a unique man....

more

Some old, some new.... Possible Mergers to come

1. Xerox and Wurlitzer:
Joining forces to make reproductive organs.

2. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers:
New company expected to be called Fairwell Honeychild.

3. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler:
New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.

4. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush Co. and W. R. Grace Co.
New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

5. 3M & Goodyear:
To be known as: Mmm-Good.

6. John Deere & Abitibi-Price:
New company will surely become Deere Abi.

7. Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil:
Combining forces to become Honey, I'm Home.

8. Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining:
To now become Mine, All Mine

9. 3M, J.C. Penney, Canadian Opera Company:
New company slated to be called 3 Penney Opera

10. Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants:
Will be known from now on as Poupon Pants

11. Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women:
Joining forces to become Knott NOW!

12. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining:
What else but Zip Audi Do-Da

A dream is a wish your heart makes

My wishes for you....
A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you will lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbows will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're feeling small
Alone in the night you whisper
Thinking no one can hear you at all
You wake with the morning sunlight
To find fortune that is smiling on you
Don't let your heart be filled with sorrow
For all you know, tomorrow
The dream that you wish will come true

A dream is a wish your heart makes...

A dream is a wish your heart makes...

You wake with the morning sunlight
To find fortune that is smiling on you
Don't let your heart be filled with sorrow
For all you know, tomorrow
The dream that you wish will come true

No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true

Ⓒ Disney

ARE YOU TOO OLD TO DRIVE THIS CAR?

Presenting the New Mercedes Benz SCL600

***Note: This is a concept car only, May never hit production.***

(Click on the pictures for a larger version!)



Mercedes Benz SCL600


Pretty, isn't it?

Mercedes Benz SCL600
Mercedes Benz SCL600

So?

What's different about this car?


Not this....

Mercedes Benz SCL600

Not this...

Mercedes Benz SCL600


Well????

Here is the real difference:

Mercedes Benz SCL600

WHOA !

No Steering Wheel

No Pedals either

Mercedes Benz SCL600



You drive this car with a joystick

Do you think that you

Can drive with a joystick?

Your kids and grandkids can!



The influence of video games in our lives

Has really arrived, wouldn't you say?

But there is more !


The SCARY THOUGHT is:

NOW a 3-YEAR-OLD can STEAL your car

"AND DRIVE IT BETTER THAN YOU CAN !"

Fortunes

A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancee free.
A beautiful woman will enrich your life soon.
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
A bureaucrat is a politician with tenure.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A company is known by the men it keeps.
A dead man cannot bite.
A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
A fool and his honey are soon parted.
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
A gift of flour will soon be made to you.
A gift of flowers will soon be made to you.
A girl's best friend is her mutter.
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet.
A good memory does not equal pale ink.
A good reputation is more valuable than money.
A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl doesn't lose her confidence.

Friday, November 17, 2017

Hymn to Friday

Fun little guesstimate game



Click above to try your luck. The Wizard scored 28.41.
Put your score in the comments!

The Philosophy of Ambiguity

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

The Gospel According To Maxine

Click here
Click above

You Know You're Old When...


Old Man


- When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

- When your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.

- When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.

- When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

- When your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

- Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

- When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

- You know you're getting old when your semi-annual erection becomes an annual semi-erection!

- You and your teeth don't sleep together.

- Your back goes out, but you stay home.

- You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.

- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

- Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

- Happy hour is a nap.

- When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.

- Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

- Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.

- The pharmacist has become you new best friend.

- It takes twice as long to look half as good.

- The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

- You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.

- You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.

- You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

- You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.

- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

- You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.

- You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

- You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.

- Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.

- Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.

- You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.

- Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.

- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

- It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

- If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.

- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

- Your eyes won't get much worse.

- Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.

- Things you buy now won't wear out.

- No one expects you to run into a burning building.

- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

- You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

- You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."

- Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a bikini.

- You start video taping daytime game shows.

- You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.

- At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

- Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

- Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

- It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

- You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

- You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

- You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

- You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

- You look both ways before crossing a room.

- You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

- You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.

- You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.

- Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

- Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

- The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.

- All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.

- The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.

- You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

- Your back goes out more than you do.

- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

- You are proud of your lawn mower.

- Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.

- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

- You sing along with the elevator music.

- You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

- Neighbors borrow your tools.

- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

- You have a dream about prunes.

- You send money to PBS.

- The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

- You take a metal detector to the beach.

- You wear black socks with sandals.

- You know what the word "equity" means.

- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

- Your ears are hairier than your head.

- You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

- You got cable for the weather channel.

- You can go bowling without drinking.

- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

- Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

- You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

- Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

- Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.

- Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.

- You look forward to a dull evening.

- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

- You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

- You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.

- You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.

- You don't remember being absent minded.

- "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.

- Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

- Tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Romanian villagers decry police investigation into vampire slaying


By MATTHEW SCHOFIELD

Knight Ridder Newspapers


MAROTINU DE SUS, Romania - Before Toma Petre's relatives pulled his body from the grave, ripped out his heart, burned it to ashes, mixed it with water and drank it, he hadn't been in the news much.

That's often the way here with vampires. Quiet lives, active deaths.

Villagers here aren't up in arms about the undead - they're pretty common - but they are outraged that the police are involved in a simple vampire slaying. After all, vampire slaying is an accepted, though hidden, bit of national heritage, even if illegal.

"What did we do?" pleaded Flora Marinescu, Petre's sister and the wife of the man accused of re-killing him. "If they're right, he was already dead. If we're right, we killed a vampire and saved three lives. ... Is that so wrong?"

Yes, according to the Romanian State Police. Its view, expressed by Constantin Ghindeano, the chief agent for the region, is that vampires aren't real, and dead bodies in graves aren't to be dug out and killed again, even by relatives.

He doesn't really have much more to say on this case, other than noting that Petre had been removed from his grave, his heart had been cut out and it was presumed to have been consumed by his relatives. Ghindeano added that police were expanding the investigation, which began in mid-January, to include the after-deaths of others in area.

"The investigation is ongoing, and we expect to file charges later," he said, referring to possible charges of disturbing the peace of the dead, which could carry a three-year jail term. "We are determining whether this was an isolated case or whether there is a pattern in the village."

Romania has been filled with news of the vampire-slaying investigation, and villagers admit there's a pattern, but they argue that that's the reason these matters shouldn't make it to court. There's too much of it going on, and too few complain about the practice.

Vampire slaying is a custom that's been passed down from mother to daughter, father to son, for generations beyond memory, not just in this tiny village of 300 huts astride a dirt cart path about 100 miles southwest of Bucharest, but in scores of villages throughout southern Romania.

Little has changed since the days that Turkish invaders rolled through 500 years ago, seeking the mineral riches of Transylvania just to the north. By day, the people are Roman Catholics. At night, they fear the strigoi, or vampires.

On a recent afternoon, the village's single store, which also serves as its lone bar, was filled with men drinking hard, as they explained the vampire facts to a stranger. Most had at least one vampire in their family histories, and many were related to vampire victims. Most had learned to kill a vampire while still children.

Theirs is not a Hollywood tale, and they laugh at Hollywood conventions: that vampires can be warded off by crosses or cloves of garlic, or that they can't be seen in mirrors. Utter nonsense. Vampires were once Catholics, were they not? And if a vampire can be seen, the mirror can see him. And why would you wear garlic around your neck? Are you adding taste?

No, vampires are humans who have died, commonly babies before baptism or people unfortunate enough to have black cats jump over their coffins. Vampires occur everywhere, but in busy cities no one notices, the men said.

Vampires are obvious when dug up because while they will have been laid to rest on their backs, arms folded neatly across their chests, they will be found on their sides or even their stomachs. They will not have decomposed. Beards will have continued to grow. Their arms will be at their sides, as if they are clawing out of their coffins. And they will have blood - sometimes dried, sometimes fresh - around their mouths.

But the biggest tip-off that a vampire is near is his or her family, for vampires always prey on their families. If family members fall ill after a death, odds are a vampire is draining their blood at night, looking for company.

"That's the problem with vampires," said Doru Morinescu, a 30-year-old shepherd who, like many in the village, has a family connection to the current case. "They'd be all right if you could set them after your enemies. But they only kill loved ones. I can understand why, but they have to be stopped."

Ion Balasa, 64, explained that there are two ways to stop a vampire, but only one after he or she has risen to feed.

"Before the burial, you can insert a long sewing needle, just into the bellybutton," he said. "That will stop them from becoming a vampire."

But once they've become vampires, all that's left is to dig them up, use a curved haying sickle to remove the heart, burn the heart to ashes on an iron plate, then have the ill relatives drink the ashes mixed with water.

"The heart of a vampire, while you burn it, will squeak like a mouse and try to escape," Balasa said. "It's best to take a wooden stake and pin it to the pan, so it won't get away."

Which is exactly what happened with Petre, according to Gheorghe Marinescu, a cheery, aging vampire slayer who was Petre's brother-in-law.

Marinescu's story goes like this: After Petre died, Marinescu's son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter fell ill. Marinescu knew the cause was his dead brother-in-law. So he had to go out to the cemetery.

The first time, he was frightened, so he had a little graveside drink, for courage. He ended up with a little too much courage and couldn't use the shovel. So the next night he returned, and with a proper amount of courage, was successful.

Marinescu said he found Petre on his side, his mouth bloody. His heart squeaked and jumped as it was burned. When it was mixed with water and taken to those who were sick, it worked.

His wife, Petre's sister, interrupted his story with a broom, swinging it at him and a stranger. She was worried that he would incur the wrath of the police, who would jail him.

But then his son Costel called what happened next a miracle. After weeks in bed, Costel got up to walk. His head wasn't pounding. His chest wasn't aching. His stomach felt fine.

"We were all saved," he said. "We had been saved from a vampire."

But how could he be sure his illness came from a vampire?

"What other explanation is possible?" he asked.

Riddle


Schwarzenegger has a big one -
Michael J. Fox has a small one -
Madonna doesn't have one -
The Pope has one but doesn't use his -
Clinton uses his all the time -
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one -
Liberace never used his on women -
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his -
Cher claims that she took on 3 -
We never saw Lucy use Desi's -
What is it?


Click here to find out.

Help Desk


This is a true story from a word processor program company's helpline, in the days before Windows. It was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department, and the helpdesk employee was fired as a result.

"Computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with your program."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank. It won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in the program, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's the sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light on it that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"..... Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"...... OK, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh, huh. Well, can you see if it is."
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No, why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power ... A power failure? Aha, OK, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them. Unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store where you bought it."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too smart to own a computer."

A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' mess saying:


Hospital Angels

"Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous."

Underneath, a nurse had written: "The last five are pretty risky, too."

Aha! That's Why!


There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Canada.

Well, there's a very simple answer...... Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alberta. All our dipsticks are in Ottawa.

What a Wanker!

Wait a sec Offisheur, I wanu fishih ma brewskie, eh?

The Breakdown


Three engineers are riding in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly the car stalls and stops by the side of the road. The three engineers look at each other with bewilderment, wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer, not knowing much about mechanics, suggests, "Let's strip down the electronics of the car and try to trace where a fault might have occurred."

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about electronics, suggests, "Maybe the fuel has become emulsified and is causing a blockage somewhere in the system."

The Microsoft engineer suggests, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it will work."


Insurance Claims


The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words. The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing can be highly entertaining.

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong driveway and collided with a tree I don't have."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"I noticed smoke rising from under the bonnet. Realizing the car was on fire, I pulled over, took out my dog, and smothered it with a blanket."

"The driver in front of me hit a pedestrian. He got up from where he lay, so I hit him again."


Eternity


Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get
there, St. Peter says,

"We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they
try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter
chains them together and says

"Your punishment for stepping on a duck is! ... to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along
comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another
extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment
as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for
all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She
manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes
on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them
together without saying a word. The woman remarks,

"I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says,

"I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Watch your cell phone...


FAYETTEVILLE, ARK - A football fan with a cellular phone in his pocket equipped with one-touch buttons called the 911 emergency number 35 times by standing up and sitting down while cheering. Police eventually traced it to Razorback Stadium where the man was held for questioning and scolded..

*Warped Newz

Burger King Asks Co-founder to Improve Whopper


My ABSOLUTE favourite burger!


Miami—Burger King Corp. "brought back" co-founder Dave Edgerton, 76, to help improve the Whopper so that it "tastes more like the original," according to USA Today. Upgrades reportedly include a larger bun, fresher lettuce, thicker tomato slices, coarser ground beef and the elimination of "artificial mayo," which will be replaced by real mayonnaise.

USA Today did not detail the terms of Edgerton's return to the burger chain, but said he would be helping the company's CEO Brad Blum and corporate chef Peter Gibbons.

The Whopper improvements apparently will be in units later this summer. -Nation's Restaurant News

NASA ingenuity


Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of bird-strike to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA responded with a one-line memo:

"Thaw the chicken."


A good example of an attempt to get a worm installed....

I received an unsolicted email this morning. I do not have any Quest software... so I did some digging before I clicked on the link...

Now, though Quest has been aquired by Aelita, this particular email appears bogus, so I did not go to the website or click on the links in the email.

This was because even though the "end" transmission of going to the website MAY take me to Aelita.com, In between it looks to me like a spammer, or virus writer would hijack my click and take me to a webpage that they have made up to fool people and collect personal information. ("Can you say identity theft? Sure. I knew you could!"), Or take you to a page of their design and load a worm on your computer just by opening the webpage.

Or am I just being paranold? You decide. I have never gotten a virus or trojan on my computer. Ever. Better safe than sorry, I always say....

Skin Transplant Surgery


A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they wouldn't tell anyone about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives went on and on about her youthful look.

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Speaking of Penises...

National Endowment For The Arts & Crafts Criticized For Funding Giant Macramé Penis

KANSAS CITY, MO—Republican lawmakers and conservative religious groups blasted the National Endowment For The Arts & Crafts Tuesday, claiming that the organization has allocated federal funds for "obscene crafts."

The Dreaded Macramé Penis!


The $15,000 grant in question was awarded last October to Detroit arts & craftsman Albert Kahle, 39, for a nine-foot macramé penis titled "Father (By Mother)," which is currently part of the Macramazement! exhibit at the prestigious National Gallery Of Arts & Crafts in Kansas City, MO.

"'Father (By Mother)' is neither art nor craft," House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-TX) said. "It's trash. The fact that American taxpayers are paying for this kind of lewd handiwork is outrageous."

The macramé-work phallus comprises three discrete elements: testicles, shaft, and head. The testicles are knotted in Double Alternating Lark's Head style and decorated with black maple beads. The shaft of the penis, knotted of Tammy's Hemp Cord in flesh tone, is embellished with subtle strands of Half-Knot sinnet cord in light blue and Amy's Cord in pale lavender. The head, the most detailed portion of the work, is embellished with a spray of silver glitter.

Appearances Can Be Deceiving


One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.

When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you."

She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything."

The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."

She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."

Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I'm single and I'm Catholic!"

The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley."

The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.

The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"

He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm Jewish!"

The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party!"


The Blonde (Sorry!)


A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said: "We were the first in space."
The American said: "So, we were the first on the Moon."
The Blonde said: "So what, we're going to be the first to land on the sun."

The Russian and American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you'll burn up!" said the Russian.

The Blonde replied: "We're not stupid you know. We're going to land at night."


Quote Of The Day


"He who laughs, lasts."
-- Mary Poole

Adam and Eve


The Creation of Adam


Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.

He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little boy.

So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the snow, laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it."

"What's it called? Eve asked.

"Brains" God said.
*Thanks, Pam

Mass Confusion!

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." "Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon sign, Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' can't stay on the church roof."

* Thanks Chort!

True...True...


THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer! Isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
Sorry I'm being such a jackass.


Quoth the Twain-Man...


All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
--Samuel Clemens (1835 - 1910), Letter to Mrs Foote, Dec. 2, 1887

Potential vs. Reality


A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we're living with two whores."

You Can Be A Poet


And Not Even No-It! Go to: WriteExpress Online Rhyming Dictionary.

WARPED NEWZ

- weird people make weird news!

And you thought you were mentally deranged

CROWN POINT, INDIANA -- police have reopened a case of a man who died from 32 hammer blows to his head. The cause of death had been ruled a suicide. The County coroner's opinion stated that a man simply could not remain conscious long enough to hit himself in the head 32 times. (Editor's note - gee ya think?)

PALM SPRINGS, CALIFORNIA - When Jesus returns he'll have more than enough mad money for a new Ferrari or nice place to call home. That's because Ernest Digweed, who died sixteen years ago, left his entire estate to Jesus Christ, the Jesus Christ. The State Trustee Office was instructed to invest his money in government bonds, guaranteeing Jesus a total yield of $615,820 by the end of the century. Digweed's heirs are contesting the will, and have offered an unusual solution: an insurance policy in the same amount payable to Jesus upon his return. Since then, another problem has cropped up. Two individuals, each claiming to be Jesus have filed claims for the money...

UTICA, NY - Dayle Nisi was hospitalized after going skinny dipping at a nearby lake. In a fresh water version of Jaws, a giant snapping turtle used part of Nisi's anatomy as a meal. Nasi later stated, "I felt this excruciating pain in my groin and when I got my bearings, I realized a turtle had bitten my testicles and swam away with them. It's not a nice feeling, I'll tell you that." (future Darwin award hopeful)

*Warped NEWZ

New Stealth Fighter!



New Stealth Fighter!


What do those beeps mean?


One question I am frequently asked is: "What do those beeps my computer makes, when it is starting up, mean?" The answer to that question is both simple and complicated at the same time.

Those beeps are called the BIOS beep code. It is an audible code that may beep in a specific pattern to indicate what the problem may be with the system. When the computer system is starting to boot up it performs a "Power On Self Test" or the "POST." At the completion of the POST if there are no problems detected there is usually a short beep and the operating system is loaded.

During the POST, if there is a problem starting the system there may be a visual error message on the display as well describing the problem. If the problem is happening before the video is initialized than the BIOS will play audible beeps to let you know there is a problem. The beep codes can be difficult to determine what they mean. You need to listen carefully for the beeps to determine what the pattern may be.

AMI and Award are the most common BIOS' at this time. They are writing the BIOS for most motherboard manufacturers as well as custom BIOS' for the majority of computer manufacturers. Below is a list of some of the most common AMI and Award BIOS beep codes. Depending on the type of BIOS you have or the brand of your computer there may be different beep patterns.

However, manufacturers of motherboards and the BIOS companies usually have copies of the code for your specific motherboard and BIOS.

Click here for the explanations of both BIOS codes.

The Irishman


An Irishman moves to the USA & finally attends his first baseball game. The first batter approached the batters' box, took a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run".

The next batter hits a single & the Irishman listened as the crowd again cheered "RUN, RUN"!!

The Irishman enjoyed the game & began screaming with the fans. The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started his slow trot to first base.

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye lazy bastard, run!" The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down. A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained "He can't run -- he's got four balls."

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, lad."

*Thanks, Vlad!

Improvement


Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.
After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "No".

"Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?"

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.

*Askmen.com

Quoth The 'Wilde' One...


"The highest, as the lowest, form of criticism is a mode of autobiography."
--Oscar Wilde

Thieves dump moody alligator


Zoo officials say thieves who stole an alligator called Mr Cranky Pants released him again after discovering how moody he can get.

The four-year-old alligator was snatched from a reptile park north of Sydney over the weekend, but was later spotted in a nearby creek.

Al Mucci, of the Australian Reptile Park in Somersby, said: "Mr Cranky Pants is a cranky pants, he gets moody and so they probably messed with the wrong alligator and dumped him."

The culprits had scaled two barbed-wire fences and climbed into an alligator pit to steal Mr Cranky Pants.

It is the third time an alligator has been stolen from the park in the past two years. Mr Cranky Pants will now undergo a quick medical check before he is reunited with his family.

Mucci said: "He looks relieved to be back. You can tell with alligators by their eyes whether they're stressed or not stressed, and he looks glad to be back."

*Ananova

Robber tries to claim witness reward


A man who robbed a petrol station in Norway disguised as a ninja has been arrested after coming forward as a witness in a bid to claim a reward.

Aftenposten, quoting Norwegian newspaper Agderposten, says he only netted a few pounds from a knife-point robbery in Arendal before escaping on a bike.

He decided to to supplement the cash by ringing up the newspaper and asking for a tip-off fee.

The man is said to have told reporters: "I saw a man run into the station. He had a ninja-like hood, was carrying a knife and had a sword sticking up from the back of his trousers."

He gave his name and telephone number before going to police to testify as a witness - where he was recognised by a customer at the petrol station and arrested.

*Ananova

Gambler gets his life back with single spin


A man who risked everything he owned on a single spin of the roulette wheel has left Las Vegas victorious.

Ashley Revell, 32, from Kent, sold all of his possessions to raise cash for the one-off bet.

He raised about £80,000 from car boot sales and auctions before heading for Vegas to put the lot on red.

When the ball finally settled on red 7 he punched the air with delight at the Plaza Hotel and Casino. The result means he pockets around £135,000 rather than returning home empty-handed.

He said: "That was just the most amazing experience I have ever had in my life. The first thing I am going to do is buy some new clothes, some sunglasses, obviously!

"It was just wicked, I mean it was just...I can't describe my feelings going through that. It has just been a complete sort of rollercoaster ride. First it's on, then it's off.

"I just wanted to get the bet over with, and know either way. Obviously, I was feeling lucky, but I just didn't know.

"Really all I am going to do now is chill out, my family are here, my friends are here, so just spend some time with them.

"The main thing I have learned from all this it wasn't really about the money, it's easy for me to say now I have won of course, but it is important my family and my friends were there to back me up; and if they weren't there I wouldn't have risked everything."

He said before the big gamble it was the "purest bet you can do". He added: "I'm not married and I haven't got kids. It's almost like my last chance to go mad. It is just a matter of me saying 'red' or 'black' and that will change the future."

*Ananova

From The Mouth Of Guinan...


"If you vacuumed the rug in the Oval Office... You would come up with enough DNA to start a whole new civilization."

--Whoopi Goldberg, 2004

Disney Trivia

Are you up to it?? Kiddies... get out your pencils and papers...

Q1. What singer performed classic Disney love song duets with Celine Dion and Regina Belle?

Q2. "Bella Notte (This Is the Night)" was the love song from what classic Disney animated film?

Q3. What love song from a Disney film won the Academy Award® for Best Original Song for 1999?

Q4. One man wrote the music for two classic, Academy Award-winning love songs for Disney films in the 1990s. Can you name him and the two songs that won?

Q5. The Academy Award-nominated love song "Candle on the Water" was performed by what artist in what film?

Q6. The song "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" was used twice in the film "The Lion King," in two different versions. Who sang the song each time?

Q7. Mickey expressed his affection for Minnie in the song "Minnie’s Yoo Hoo," which was used as a theme song for the original "Mickey Mouse Club." In what animated short did the song first appear?

Q8. The Academy Award-nominated song "When She Loved Me" is from what Disney film?

Q9. A song simply titled "Love" is from what classic Disney animated film?

Q10. Which animated feature had its key love song, "If I Never Knew You," cut after preview screenings?

Q11. What love song from a Disney film captured the Grammy award in 1994 for Best Pop Male Performance?

Q12. The history of honors for love songs from Disney films goes way back. The song "Lavender Blue" from the film "So Dear to My Heart" was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Song for what year?

Q13. The song "Beauty and the Beast" from "Beauty and the Beast" won two Grammy Awards in 1992. Can you name the categories in which it won?

Q14. What love song from a Disney film won the coveted Song of the Year Grammy in 1993?

Click on the mouse ears for the answers...

Click here for the answers

Hot Site of the week...

Human Descent -- Puppies with beaks, fashion models with extra lips, and birds with bear bottoms are among the images to be anticipated and enjoyed in this amazing, imaginative gallery of funny pictures. See hundreds of animals and humans in evolution gone wild!
Click here to visit Human Descent
Click above to visit. It is so cool!

Hospital Stay


A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth when a young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet".
Again he struggles to ask, "But nurse, are my testicles black?"

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and say's, " there's nothing wrong with them"!

The man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are... my... test...results...back?

*Thanks, Pammy =)

SHE WAS SOOO blonde...


SHE WAS SOOO blonde....
she thought a quarterback was a refund.
she thought General Motors was in the army.
she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
at the bottom of an application, where it says "sign here", she wrote Sagittarius.

SHE WAS SOOO blonde....
she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
she sent a fax with a stamp on it.
she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
under "education" on a job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."

SHE WAS SOOO blonde....
she tripped over a cordless phone.
she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice because it said "concentrate."
she told me to meet her at the corner of "walk" and "don't walk."
she asked for a price check at the "Everything For A Dollar" Store.
she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

SHE WAS SOOOO blonde....
she studied for a blood test.
she sold her car for gas money.
when she went to the airport and saw a sign that read "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

SHE WAS SOOOOO blonde....
when she heard that 90% of all crimes occurred around home, she moved.
she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
she thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

No offence meant to the blonde women out there.... =)

The Castaway


A man is stranded on a deserted island, all alone for ten years. One day a gorgeous blonde wearing a wet suit and scuba gear arrives at the island. The diver comes up to the chap and says, "How long has it been since you had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" the castaway answers.

The blonde reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of the wetsuit and pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes.

The islander takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! that's good!"

Then the diver asks, "How long has it been since you had a whiskey?"

The man replies, "Ten years!"

The blonde reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a bottle of Irish whisky and gives it to him.

The man takes a long swallow and says, "Wow, that is fantastic!"

Then the hot blonde starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of the wet suit and says to the man, "And how long has it been since you had real fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

Aussie judge forgets he's the "idiot" who bailed serial burglar


An Australian judge who demanded to know the name of the "idiot'' who granted bail to a serial burglar discovered he was talking about himself.

Justice Dean Mildren conceded privately he was the judge who bailed Tristan Ellis last November after apparently forgetting.

Ellis, 18, was granted bail by Justice Mildren on November 25 after breaching a curfew imposed by the judge in April. He was ordered to attend a drug rehabilitation programme in Darwin.

Ellis was facing 28 breaking-and-entering charges, says the Northern Territory News.

On Monday judge Mildren said he was "absolutely staggered'' that Ellis had been given bail three times last year after being arrested for breaking and entering.

"Who is the idiot who did that?'' the judge said.

Ellis faces sentencing in the Northern Territory's Supreme Court on Thursday.

Sex makes you clever

Sex stimulates the brain and makes people more intelligent, according to a top German researcher.

Werner Habermehl, from the Hamburg Medical Research Institute, says that regular sexual intercourse promotes intelligence.

He said that love making not only excited the body but also the brain and the increased amount of adrenaline and cortisol hormones that are produced stimulates the grey matter, reported magazine Unicum Campus.

"Sex makes you more intelligent in that experiences are collected that can be used later on in areas of life not linked to sex," said Habermehl.

He added that the added injection of endorphins and serotonin that resulted from an orgasm strengthened self-confidence - giving the body a mental as well as physical work out.


*Ananova

Quote Of The Day


"Too much caution is bad for you. By avoiding things you fear, you may let yourself in for unhappy consequences. It is usually wiser to stand up to a scary-seeming experience and walk right into it, risking the bruises as hard knocks. You are likely to find it is not as tough as you had thought. Or you may find it plenty tough, but also discover you have what it takes to handle it."

--Norman Vincent Peale


Wrong way driver stops to complain to police


A pensioner spotted driving the wrong way down a motorway stopped when he saw police, to complain that everyone else was heading in the wrong direction.

The 86-year-old granddad from Bern, Switzerland, said he had even flashed his lights at six motorists on the A6 motorway to let them know they were in the wrong.

Officers confiscated the pensioner's car keys and drove him home while a colleague followed in the man's vehicle.

They are now reviewing whether to take his licence from him.